best of craigslist > asheville > Take advantage of my new lowered standards!
Originally Posted: 2009-08-03 5:54pm

Take advantage of my new lowered standards!

Are you tired of all those other men who expect an emotional connection? Are you fed up with wasting all your precious time building a rapport before he gives in and sleeps with you? Well, listen up, because I have got a deal for you! For the next 60 minutes, I'll be offering a complete package—that's my full attention, conversation, and uninterrupted alcohol-facilitated sexual contact followed by a late-night cab ride to my place at no cost to you—in exchange for only two drinks and an inquiry into how my night is going. This is the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have your lazy eye and bad breath ignored that you can't afford to miss!

Act now to take full advantage of this poor lighting and a temporary lapse in judgment!

I've slashed my hopes for finding Ms. Right and adjusted my height, weight, and personal-hygiene requirements to their most pathetically flexible yet. This is the drop in self- respect you've been waiting for, so why not pull up a bar stool and tell me about your latest shopping excursion? For a limited time, I will even pretend I find this subject matter positively riveting!

It takes absolutely no sincerity to get started, and if you are not completely satisfied with how sexually promiscuous I seem in the first 15 minutes, I'll throw in a misleading and clearly desperate suggestion of bisexuality—absolutely free!

But wait, there's more! You'll also receive a lifetime's supply of low self-esteem compensated for with disproportionate displays of affection just for trying!

How on earth can I offer my still-attractive 28-year-old frame and college education at these low, low standards, you ask? I'll tell you how: by cutting out the unnecessary criteria standing between you and that feeling- me-up-next-to-the-jukebox opportunity you've been hoping for all night. I'm standing by to take your leering glances, and I've reduced my needs to levels unheard-of for anyone under the age of 50! Now there's nothing keeping you from enjoying what literally hundreds of women could also enjoy if they try a moment before you do.

I've got a surplus of romantic disappointments, so all remaining shreds of dignity must go!

Now, I know some men might try to get you to buy into pointless, time-consuming schemes like discussing the music playing in the bar or your respective STD statuses, but not me a half hour before closing time at Jack of the Wood! I recently found out my ex-girlfriend is getting married, and I'm transferring that hopelessness directly on to you—the good people who haven't left with someone else yet. Hairy thighs?? One-bedroom apartment with dad? No hablas inglés? If you've got a minute to speak to me and a pulse, let's make a deal and get me inside you immediately.

I'm practically giving myself away!

How much would you give for this unique opportunity to have such awkward, emotionally deficient, anonymous sex with me that I'll begin to regret it as it's happening? Fifteen minutes of your time? Twenty minutes? Twenty-five minutes?

Whatever's better for you. I just want to get this over with.

  • Location: Asheville
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

post id: 1304135466

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