Well to start with, we are all 6'5" tall, buff from our daily work outs when not on the drilling rig rough-necking for oil or killing bears with our bare hands.
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We all get the PFD which was slightly under $64000 dollars this year, most of us will use it to purchase a new 4x4 fully decked out four door turbo truck, we do this yearly to save wear and tear on the classic 68 Shelby Mustang GT500 we keep polished to a high sheen in the garage, its close to factory specs, and our Fathers purchased it new passing it onto us after being lost at sea on either a whaling, crabbing or Coast Guard rescue voyage. If it was the CG, the rescued survived.
We sit in coffee shops, thoughtfully considering the issues of the day and discussing it with other highly educated men that came up from the lower 48 for a better way of life not afford by big city living. That’s when we are not engaging in other manly activities; waiting for our intellectual equals to arrive from the lower 48 after either a broken marriage to an actor, or just out wondering the world while writing yet another Pulitzer Prize winning novel. Its just luck those women always are perfectly formed, beautiful and willing lovers not seeking anything but the experience. When one does get too close, they run off with out leaving a forwarding address, leaving yet another topic to ponder with our manly friends over a steaming cup of coffee served in a blue porcelain camp mug, in front of a roaring fire.
We all cook with the talent of a New York trained chef, in our million dollar, hand-build cabins fully outfitted with the latest accoutrements from Viking. We heat those homes with wood we chopped ourselves in the massive rock fireplace wedged between the 18' high plate glass windows that frame Denali perfectly. The meat is fresh as are the smoked salmon both of which we hunted down with bow and arrow or simple fly rod, none of that sitting in a tree stand waiting on corn-fed deer to come by.
Usually our friends come up to visit us in the summer and we oblige them by taking them salmon fishing in the most pristine areas imaginable with a 50' custom boat, but hey when your friend is an astronaut, ex-pro football player, or noted political being, nothing is too much for them right? After all they saved our life once in the war, before we saved theirs. His sister is in love with us but just can't make that commitment because saving the rainforest is to important right now, and is conflicted on the right moral choice to make, so we sit and pine for her.
To pass the time during the long winter nights, which are always back lit by the Aurora Borealis we carve intricate items to give away at Christmas to the little orphan native kid down the street, you know the street wise one always getting into trouble, so being the good mentor we are we watch his back and take care of his family after all the village elder has made us an honorary member of the tribe so we don’t want this wise man to look down on us.
Our dogs are our constant companions, and even though they have heavy fur coats they never shed or leave our side to run after all the moose that walk through the streets daily, along side the raccoons’, friendly bears and wise eagles that are tame because of our bringing them back to full health after many months of hand feeding and nursing the wound they got from some ill-witted hunter thinking it would attack him while flying around 500' in the air.
Well I hope that helped you out a bit to see what a real Alaskan man is all about, I would continue on but I need to load up the snow machines in the back of my cheery red Beaver float plane to help out our researcher buddies up in the Bush, then off to the gold mine.
That and we drink lots of beer and smoke lots of pot.
- this is in or around The Great White North, of course
- no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests