Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2008, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2008-04-22T20:58:48-05:00 2 daily Rant: Person with a wooden leg that lives above me. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/652643356.html I have no idea who you are. I do not know if youre male, female, young, old, black, white, straight, gay, ambidextrous, or a midget. What I do know is this: You are almost certainly obese and have at least one wooden leg. It is likely that I am completely off in my speculation, but at least hear me out. I do have some evidence that would warrant such claims. First of all, if you arent a manatee with at least one wooden appendage, I must assume then, that you do indeed have your feet blocked in cement. At the very least, you have a horrible case of elephantitis of the lower body causing your feet to stomp and drag and cause a great amount of disturbance. Now Ive lived in apartments before, some being quite rowdy seeing as I did attend college for five years. Despite this, you my heavy hooved friend, are one of a kind. At first I thought it might be sex. You know, the old headboard pounding the wall. I would be impressed if that were the case, but I doubt that. The noise moves when you move, so it cant be the headboard. If it were, then I would REALLY be impressed. Hell, you even knocked the light fixture off of the ceiling in my foyer after some intense peg-leg floor pounding. I was picking glass out of my feet for a few weeks after that! Not bad for what could potentially be some afternoon delight. The reason I dont believe you are getting laid is because the noise occurs quite literally at ALL hours of the day. 4AM? You bet. 4PM? Sure shit. 1AM? Of course. 2:47PM? Why not? If I were able to link the noise to a certain time pattern or a certain location, I could be more certain it might be sex, say on a bed with wheels that moves freely about your place with each thrust. (As I type this now, youre making some pretty loud bumps and booms). Maybe you are just a really aggressive masturbator? Lastly, I havent seen a single couple enter this building to confirm that fact that someone might be getting laid. Ive tried to describe the noise you create to many people saying It quite literally sounds like an overweight pirate with one peg leg pacing back and forth only to get strange looks in returnas you can imagine. Skeptical as they may be, their hesitations in believing my claims were put to rest as soon as they visited my apartment. One by one my friends, as well as some family, visited my place all to confirm the noises I reported were indeed, real. Each of them spent a few minutes speculating about what the noise could potentially be. Honestly, the only thing we have all deduced is that you arent having sex. This is undoubtedly, an unfortunate conclusion on your part. Perhaps you are trying to teach yourself how to walk with stilts and you are trying to master the art one leg at a time before attempting both stilts at once. Maybe youre practicing for the Olympics in Chicago in 2016 and have set up some uneven bars and are trying desperately to stick the landing. Whatever youre doing, could you please ease up? I do not enjoy replacing all of my picture frames that have either fallen off my walls or from my shelves. Nor do I enjoy being awaken at all hours of the night only to have to wonder what it is youre really doing up there, whether they be innocent or slightly sexually deviant. My alarm goes off before 6AM due to having one of those job things so a good nights sleep is important. Thanks in advance and if you really are an obese pirate, please dont break into my apartment and steal my bootyor my food. <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-22T20:58:48-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/652643356.html Rant: Person with a wooden leg that lives above me. text I hate all of you http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/649999147.html I don't care what colour you are. I don't care where you're from. I don't care what you do for a living. I don't care what class you are, how you dress, what you smoke or drink or who you know or whom you've fucked. I hate you all. I hate every last living, breathing, snot and feces producing, promiscuously copulating, celebrity obsessed, opinionated one of you. From right here in Toronto right around the planet and back, coast to coast, nationwide and internationally. Every. Single. Last. One. Of. You. Fuck love. Fuck your insipid grasping at some abstract concept of chemical imbalances and reasonless actions, fumbling around in the crowd trying to find some cinematic supposition for real human interaction. Fuck lust, too. Fuck you all, from the lowlife dirtbags that think dropping trou and waving the little soldier in a sloppy arc is a pick-up line to the sniveling of the desperate 'nice guys' who never get the girl due to a total lack of testosterone grown stones. Fuck you all, from the crazy, under dressed sluts that judge a persons character by the price of their shirt, right down to the fat, flabby chicks that think personality is enough. Fuck you drivers, for thinking that a yellow light is a sign that says 'step on the gas'. Fuck you wheelmen and women that think it's okay to sit in a left hand turn in the middle of morning traffic, even though there is a protected left in the intersections before and after where you need to make your turn. Fuck you too cyclists - you're not exempt from the traffic laws just because your peddling, you miserable spandex covered neon reflective fucks. Fuck you too, pedestrians. Use the fucking crosswalk if you don't want to get hit, and use it before the little countdown clock says '3'. You don't have enough goddamn time to lope across four lanes of traffic. Fuck you chick on your cellphone. Fuck you attitude packed minimum-wager that makes my coffee. Fuck you cops that spend all their time handing out speeding tickets. Fuck you douche bag doing ten over the limit in the passing lane on the highway. Fuck you lady using exact change at the counter at the grocery store. Fuck you kids having a conversation in the doorway. And fuck you also for not getting the fuck out of your designated handicapped seat when a pregnant or elderly person gets on the fucking bus. Fuck taxes. Fuck welfare. Fuck the whole selfish, over politicized and party driven government system. I'm sick and fucking tired of policies and new laws with seven hundred bylaws that nobody but you and your cabinet reads. Fuck you councilors and your stupid 'district improvement' plans. Fuck you unions, for asking for so much and giving nothing more that what you already give. Fuck the whole process that allows people who are supposed to be working for us work for interests that only benefit the next campaign. Fuck your short-sightedness, your rush to the bandwagons, and your incessant arguing over fuck all. Fuck the parties, fuck the conventions, and fuck your campaigns. Do some real fucking work for a change. Fuck you bottles of water. You're water. You're not worth two fucking dollars. Fuck you trendsetters, fuck you fashionistas. Fuck your little dogs and and your idiotic outfits. Fuck your high heels in the snow. Fuck your five dollar coffees and your fifteen dollar veggie burgers. Fuck your health kick, your diet or your fucking new interest in kickboxing or sushi. Fuck your culture. Fuck your race. Fuck your sense of entitlement. Fuck your sense of uniqueness. Fuck you all for the belief that you have something unique and interesting to contribute. Fuck you for filling the internet with your useless garbage. Fuck your blogs, your wikis, your forums. Fuck your name calling. And most of all, fuck whatever you believe. It's all wrong. Fuck it. Fuck your complaints. Fuck your addictions. Fuck your dependencies. Fuck your pain. Fuck your tears. Fuck selling whatever it is you sell. Fuck your manipulation of others. Fuck movies. Fuck fucking. Fuck everything you own. Fuck your allergies. Fuck your stupid commons sense. Fuck your spelling and fuck your lack of education, or your ignorance, whatever is applicable. I don't give a fuck. Shut the fuck up and just get on with it. <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-20T23:50:32-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/649999147.html I hate all of you text who put the dead bird in my mailbox? - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/649331801.html a) how did you get into my mailbox in the first place, it is locked b) did you kill the bird c) it died horribly, that much was clear d) you're psycho e) do I know you f) if I do know you I don't want to know you g) if I don't know you, what did I do to inspire you to put a dead bird in my mailbox h) I don't know how to disinfect a mailbox from a dead bird, I'm worried about diseases and have used five different kinds of cleaner but still feel like the bird's still in there still and like my bills and my catalogues and my coupons have dead bird on them i) it was a hummingbird, I looked it up - they don't even live in New York - this is so f*ing psycho, I can't believe this j) are you the mailman? k) I'm always nice to the mailman l) the super didn't care when I told him what happened m) the neighbors didn't care either n) do you have some kind of problem with birds o) don't put anything else in my mailbox p) unless it's an apology q) no, I take that back, I don't even want an apology r) what am I supposed to do with this bird - it's in bubblewrap in a bag in a shoebox in the freezer right now - am I supposed to bury it - where? how? in a construction site where they've jackhammered through the concrete - where is a person supposed to bury things in this city? s) I could drop it in the Gowanus canal, but that seems undignified t) I could drop it in the ocean, but the ocean is so big and it is such a small bird u) I could drop it in the toilet but it would probably get stuck v) I hear this whirring around my ears every time I go to the mailbox and I'm pretty sure it's ghost bird, and I'm all "it wasn't me that killed you, bird!" but still the whirring doesn't go away until I get to the stairwell w) am I supposed to eat it - maybe you were trying to feed me - don't you know I'm a vegetarian x) if this was Ricky, I'm gonna beat your ass, mama told you stop bothering the zoo y) if this was Gina, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, how many times I gotta say I'm sorry z) I could drop it off the roof, maybe it will reincarnate while falling and I can start reading my mail again <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: crown heights <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-20T12:56:46-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/649331801.html who put the dead bird in my mailbox? - w4m text in case you have/lifted my yellow track bike..... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/646663801.html To whomever currently has my beloved fixed gear, you made a really sweet score, but there are some repairs and upgrades you might want to make note of. I know that I was foolish and absent-minded to leave it accidentally unlocked outside the Mt. Sun in Boulder on Sunday, April 6, but now that you've given it a new home, let's talk wrenches: The frame is new, but all the other parts on it I've collected over the years, mostly bought from dear friends and my favorite shops. The rear wheel could use truing, but the old school Mavic CXP30s do hold up well. Rest assured, though, because I did just replace the bearings in the Phil Wood track hub. I even splurged on the ones rated for submersible marine applications so they'll last for years to come.... even if you ride year-round like I do. The Cinelli criterium drop bars are a little bent from when I was working in Denver a few years back and some imbicile in an SUV pulled front-first into a parallel spot and pinched me into a parked car. Despite the bend, they still seem to handle fine. Could use new tape, though. The drive-train is pretty shot. I've used that Race Face chainring for well over 2 years (I bought it from my old messenger shop in Chicago) and it probably has at least 25,000 miles on it. Pretty worn, as is the rear cog. I'd been meaning to replace the whole lot, but had been saving up a little extra cash to drop on real track cranks (you'll find that the FSA 110BCD cranks make it hard to find suitable chainrings.) Good idea to throw a fresh chain on while you're at it! The plastic molding on under the seat is cracked and getting worse. Again, something I'd been wanting to upgrade with a more ergo-friendly design. What else..... Oh yeah, the rear tire is fairly worn, so you'll probably see a flat pretty soon. When you do, you'll clearly notice that I'm pretty OCD about patching tubes, and the rear tube had exactly 20 patches on it last time I checked. (I was hoping to best my P.R. of 22 patches on a single tube. Hope you keep the dream alive!) In case you decided the color wasn't for you, rest assured that the bright yellow powder coat will make a great primer/base for a custom rattle can job. No rust ever! And I also personally sprayed the insides of all the tubes with WD40 to prevent internal corrosion. That's right, this will last you forever. The Wound Up carbon fork is sturdy; no issues there besides finding outdated parts compatible with the 1" threaded setup. The vintage Campy Chorus headset was a gift from my boss, and although the races are a little pitted, it should hold up ok with occasional maintenance. There's a bit of play in the cartridge bearings in the front Miche Pista hub, but not a huge deal. If you get a hold of me, I can give you the new set of bearings I have here at home. I just didn't get around to installing them yet. Anyway, if you would rather have me do the mechanical work, I'm well qualified and would love to get my bike back. Seriously, no questions asked. Or if you know someone who has it, let me know, and no big deal. I'd just like to see my bike again!!! <img src=646663801.1.jpg> <img src=646663801.2.jpg> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: wish I knew :( <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-18T00:27:54-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/646663801.html in case you have/lifted my yellow track bike..... text PINK PLASTIC LAWN FLAMINGOS http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cos/646113248.html three pink plastic lawn flamingos, the momma, the daddy and two babies. in good shape except the momma has a bullet hole. will trade for a good dog or weed eater, will also consider any kind of alcohol as long as it ain't been opened up. <img src=646113248.jpg> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: falcon <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-17T14:31:39-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cos/646113248.html PINK PLASTIC LAWN FLAMINGOS text Ibanker seeking romance http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/646020922.html Hello, ABOUT YOU: You are a young and good-looking girl. The parental abuse that you incurred as a child has left you emotionally distant and sexually repressed. You are able to sustain months (years?) of loneliness because you shudder at the thought of human interaction. You have a constant feeling of inadequacy leading to excessive hours on the elliptical machine (and, accordingly, a nicely toned bum). I might do stuff to you while you are sleeping at 4AM (when I finally get home from the office), but, other than that, our sex-life will be nonexistent. Naive girls who have been in long-distance relationships and have had their hearts broken by guys who perpetually cheated are more than welcome to email me; I promise that I'm different. ABOUT ME: I am a first year analyst at a bulge-bracket investment bank; this means that I'm either Jewish, Asian, or from old-money (and, therefore, connected up the wazoo). Given that this post is (hopefully) grammatically correct, coherently legible, and satirically palatable, I'd like to think that I got into banking based on merits associated with my intelligence; therefore, I'm probably not from old money and am not connected up the wazoo (sorry). I got into banking as a result of an overwhelming abundance of insecurities. I went to a top-tiered and prestigious undergraduate university, yet, have always felt inferior to the Harvardites and Princetonians that surround me. I'm likely either short and socially outcasted (with excellent kung-fu skills) or schnoz-nosed and unable to date, as every girl I meet in Manhattan is a UES slut that reminds me of my mother. I go to the gym every morning, as my unnecessarily ambitious and secretively compensating type-A personality forces me to always strive for the best. That, and also the endorphins released from the exercise keep me elated enough to prevent attempting suicide for at least 24 hours. I approach dating as I do anything else; as a strict meritocracy where I compete to win. At bars, I won't tell girls that I'm a banker; I feel that it would be unfair to take a girl home by playing the pity card ("Oh, you work in banking? I feel so bad for you. Fine, I guess I'll sleep with you."). I'll likely say that I'm a math teacher at the Dalton School (my Jewish/Asian heritage helps me here) so that girls realize that I'm piss-poor (as are all my other analyst buddies, despite what we tell our family and friends back home) but have Epstein potential. My interests include playing brickbreaker on my blackberry, romantic dinners expensed to my firm, and finding novel ways to entertain myself during late-night hours (posting personal ads on Craigslist at 3AM - FUN; getting head from you while you hide under my desk - PROBABLY FUNNER). If you fit my description (and God help you if you do...) feel free to email me. Pictures of boobs (yours or random ones you find on the internet) would be helpful to include in the email. As I'm posting this with my work email address, I'm hoping to get lucky enough that some back-office rat finds the inappropriate content during a routine inbox sweep, so that I can finally be liberated from this relentless world of superficial elitism. I'm talking about the old-money guys. <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-17T15:20:45-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/646020922.html Ibanker seeking romance text the people at second cup are like so rude http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mon/645458908.html To that girl who works at the Second Cup: This has been eating me, it just really hurt my feelings and I need to get it off my chest okay? You were like, totally mean to me. I was talking to my bf alright? I like him better than you, I'd rather talk to him than you, so next time could you just wait for me to hang up? Really, the line behind me isn't that long. You didn't have to look so bitchy, I was almost done, I mean, I was holding up my finger, that usually means wait! But you just went on to that next guy, so, like, I hung up for nothing? Anyway when you finally got around to me it was like you didn't even want to take my order. I was nice, okay? I know what I want is complicated, so I said it real slow so understand. It's a grande vanilla latte with two and a half pumps of the SUGAR-FREE syrup. And skim milk. But I want it extra hot, okay? To like 182.5 degrees. And no foam, I don't like foam, it's too much like when I used to eat my bubble bath as a kid. And, you know, the least you could do is double cup it, you know? A latte that hot could hurt me, I have sensitive hands. Maybe you should, like, memorize this so that next time when I come in you recognize me and you know what I want right away. Yeah, whatever, you serve hundreds of people every day blah blah blah. I'm the orange spray tanned one with a purse I could fit a Doberman in. Oh and I'm usually wearing Uggs, they're just so comfy and stylish, you know? You should totally try to learn your customers' orders, it makes us happy. So anyway, when you finally got my order right I asked you for an apple baba, not so hard. My phone rang while you went to get a plate, it was really important so I took it. Anyway my bf was RIGHT in the middle of telling me how cute I am when you TOTALLY interrupted to take my money. Like, was I not obviously in the middle of something? You'd think you could take a hint, like, if you tell me my total and I don't answer you'd just wait like any polite person, but no, you like basically yelled it at me, it was so embarrassing. I wasn't about to hang up again, okay? You're not the only one that exists! So fine, I'll give you your stupid money, you're lucky I have exact change, even if I have to dig for it a bit in my enormous purse. I'm doing you a favor get over it. But, like, it's hard to count change and talk on the phone at the same time, you know? Really, if I wasn't on the phone I could count like a normal person, but give me a sec, I'm multitasking, the people behind me get it, we've all had to before. Tip? No, sorry, Daddy doesn't like me spending my allowance on things I don't need. Anyway, you and your friend who makes the drinks were really bitchy. I was just asking her to make sure it was sugar-free, alright? Geez, you'd think I insulted your moms or something. Have a nice day yourself. When I come back tomorrow to spend four hours on Facebook I'm totally not going to be as nice as I was today. <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: near school <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-17T05:05:28-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mon/645458908.html the people at second cup are like so rude text A Sodding Good Time http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/644579316.html You need sod? Take one piece or twenty. Fill in those trouble spots on your lawn We know you have plenty. For all 100+ golfers, Carry a few in your bag. Laying some new carpet? Try this verdant shag! An excellent costume for your kid's school play. Thinning on top? Makes a stylish toupee... There's no end of mirth you can have with this earth. Come pick up some today on 9th and Killingsworth! <img src=644579316.1.jpg> <img src=644579316.2.jpg> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: 9th and Killingsworth <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-16T10:21:50-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/644579316.html A Sodding Good Time text For SaleOne (1) Wife, slightly used, 1964 Model http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/641609489.html Needs muffler, as it is currently VERY LOUD. Intake valve is stuck in the open position. Rear end needs major overhaul. A crack there has grown monstrously large. Needs re-wiringMany wires are currently crossed. Lots of little dings in the body, which have been covered up with too much paint in a failed effort at camouflaging them. Needs re-upholsteringCarpet has turned a dingy gray. Needs front-end work--Tits are too close to the ground, and knees are too far apart. May not pass emissions test, as it currently produces foul clouds of malodorous gases on a regular basis, Heater works great. Hot air is never in short supply.. Asking $500 or trade for 1984 model. <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-14T02:09:06-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/641609489.html For SaleOne (1) Wife, slightly used, 1964 Model text To the stupid bitches at Walmart that assumed I stole their phone http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/prv/640933911.html You know who you are. You and your skanky friend entered the ladies room at Walmart, apparently looking for a cellphone you lost because you're a moron. I washed my hands, and upon exiting the restroom I said, "Excuse me," since you clearly had no intention of moving your fat ass out of the doorway. I proceeded to look at some shirts in the womens' department, when suddenly you two white trash tramps came RIGHT over and stood oh, maybe, 3 feet away from me, glaring. The porkier one of you two (the one with the mustache) then took out your cellphone and obviously dialed the lost one's number in hopes that suddenly my bag would ring your familiar ringtone- probably Shakira or Lil Kim. I couldn't believe you had the audacity to be such stupid hos. Not only did you make no attempt to be discreet, but you were blatantly rude and insulting. Why the fuck would I want your cellphone? I'm all set with 19yr old punks calling me for blowjobs. I also don't have any interest in receiving phone calls from probation officers or Planned Parenthood. If I did find a cheap-ass phone probably in a pink case, covered in stickers- there's a damn good chance I'd return it to the "Lost And Found," assuming I'd even give a shit enough to do that. I'm sure that's a far-fetched concept to you, considering if it were the other way around, you'd probably pawn a lost phone as fast as you'd jerk off a homeless guy that offered you a cigarette. Next time you immediately jump to conclusions because of your own stupidity, go back and check the aisle with vaginal cream and douches first; you probably left your phone there. You must have found it shortly after, because you were no longer up my ass, skanking up my personal space. Either that, or the dollar store was having one hell of a sale that you couldn't pass up. Screw you both. <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Newport, RI <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-13T14:47:53-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/prv/640933911.html To the stupid bitches at Walmart that assumed I stole their phone text Things my father taught me http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/640786074.html The measurement of my finger from the tip to the first joint is 1 inch...depth for planting peas. The measurement to the second joint is 2 inches...depth for corn. Return borrowed things in better shape than when you borrowed them. There are two types of trouble...one is the trouble you knowingly walk into, the other is trouble that just happens...it's important to know the difference. Walk softly but carry a big stick. if you have to use said stick, make sure who you use it on, doesn't get up. Grits is good. Foul language is a sign of a limited vocabulary Orion, the Big and Little Dippers. Everyone is a friend until proven otherwise. Licorice ferns, huckleberries, nettles, sword ferns. Tabasco won't kill you even if you eat it by the spoonfull. Don't watch the clock when you're at work. Fish can see you if you look over the side of the boat. Fish can hear you if you talk to loud. Respect the elders. Never go to bed angry. That which does not kill you will hurt like the dickens, but it will make you stronger. Family is the most important thing on earth. How to play the guitar, spoons, mouth harp, and water filled bottles. The true meaning of "Self Made Man" If you don't know something, go to the library and learn it. The phrases "I don't know", "I forgot", or "I tried (and failed)" are excuses. There is a difference between an excuse and a reason, know the difference. Take care of your apperance...even if it is just a t-shirt and jeans. The world can change everything about you, except your point of view...unless you allow it to. David L. McDonald born 1936-passed 2008 precious father beloved husband A right good fellow. <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: everywhere <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-13T09:33:08-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/640786074.html Things my father taught me text No taxation without representation http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/639254501.html "No taxation without representation" What do I get for my federal taxes? Our public schools are failing, Social Security is insolvent, Medicare & Medicaid are run by a corrupt government that uses taxpayer money to overpay the corporations that run it. Our military is in shambles, our economy is on the brink of complete collapse and all our leaders can think of to do in order to solve the problem is to use our tax dollars to bail out the mistakes of corporations while Americans end up homeless and broke. And stuck with the bill. Do people understand how much money we have spent in Iraq? Seriously really, get a grip and really GET how much money has gone down the hole? And even if they do, do they realize that the Iraq bill, from a dollar perspective, HASN'T COME DUE YET??? The shit going on with the economy right now has NOTHING to do with the THREE FUCKING TRILLION DOLLARS that this clusterfuck in Iraq will eventually cost us. $3,000,000,000,000 / 300,000,000 = $10,000/ea. That means that RIGHT NOW, without ANY interest, each and every American in this country is in for $10 fucking K. On top of our current federal and state income tax burden. Now, I pay for electricity. I pay for internet. I pay for television and I pay for my phone. The tax I pay at the pump covers most of the cash either state or federal government spend on shit like road repairs, but whatever. I pay for the gas to heat my home and cook my food. I pay a shitload at the hospital and even pay tax on some of that shit. I pay sales tax. I even pay retail tax, even though the corporations pass ALL their taxes on to me when I buy their shit. So what the fuck do I get? A military that is now broken. An infrastructure that is crumbling. A justice system that favors their own, the rich and the politicians, and if to add insult to injury, herd me like a fucking piece of cattle and actually go out of their way to find a reason to make me pay them for some bullshit slight. So what the hell is a rational guy supposed to do? What did our forefathers do, when faced with this kind of bogus farce of representation, when bullied into paying for something they don't even want or need? When a man with a checkbook has greater sway than a million voices, OR EVEN ONE FUCKING VOICE, then hasn't our grievance become that of the founders of this country?  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: The People <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-11T22:33:16-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/639254501.html No taxation without representation text FREE: Giant Lawn Ornament http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/prv/632786911.html FREE: BACKHOE ATTACHMENT I have 1 free backhoe attachment. Approx wt. 1000-1500lbs. It has been sitting in my yard for the last 4 years. It came from someone else's yard for 8 years prior. Time for it to go. Be the envy of your neighborhood with this in your yard. Put it out on the front lawn, that way everyone will see it. Your neighbors will be envious, and you will be proud. THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF USES FOR THIS ATTACHMENT: Have a neighbor who pisses you off?, Put it on the property boundry, that way he will have to look at this every day. Need a place to tie the dog to for the day? He'll never move this thing. When you have your 4th of July BBQ, This is a great conversation starter. You can brag how you will strip it, paint it, and how well this thing will work after you put all that work into it. A lovely place to hang your tarp! Makes a unique cooler for that 4th of July party or trellis for those rambling briars. Bragging rights - yup, worth mentioning twice. F.A.Q. Q: Can u load this on my trailer? A: No my wife is a wimp. It will have to be partially dismantled. I have a loader that can lift approx 500-700 lbs. Q: Can u hold this for a couple of months till I decide I don't want it? A: NO; 1st person to arrive gets it. Q; Do u think my wife will be pissed if I came home with this? A: No The only thing about this that will upset your wife, is that she did not find it first, that way she could surprise you. Q: Would you be able to deliver this fine piece of equipment? A: SURE; why not, if you like, I can also dismantle it, strip the paint off it, repaint it, lubricate it, deliver it, reassemble it, and make sure it is in fine working condition, all for a GEE, THANKS ALOT MAN. In closing, this is free, you need to move it, it needs alot of work, it does have a value, but not to me. (THIS IS NOT FOR THE FEINT OF HEART, IF YOU ARE NOT SURE ABOUT THIS, NOT SURE IF YOU CAN FIX THIS, OR NOT SURE YOU HAVE THE TIME FOR THIS, DON'T BOTHER) THIS COULD END UP BEING A GIANT LAWN ORNAMENT IN YOUR YARD. We've enjoyed it - now it's your turn. <img src=632786911.1.jpg> <img src=632786911.2.jpg> <img src=632786911.3.jpg> <img src=632786911.4.jpg> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Foster, RI <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-06T19:59:27-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/prv/632786911.html FREE: Giant Lawn Ornament text Nonfuncnional Organic lawn mower http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/flg/631354274.html Free to a needy yard, one, two year old grumpy, mean and annoying so called minature goat, needs work, It won't eat weeds but will eat your shrubs and flowers,Is anti-social, which means that he does nothing but scream at you every time you go outside. The only time he's friendly is when your feeding him. He bullies his brother around. Really isn't too smart, he gets his head stuck in my fence almost on a daily bais, which has to be cut to remove him. The reason I'm getting rid of him is because after two years of trying, I realized I'm not a tree hugger and would rather mow my weeds than wait for the stupid goat to eat them. Now that you know what to expect from him, and your still interested keep in mind that I will not give him to someone just to make tacos out of. I want him to go somewhere to be a companion to a horse, or someone thats willing to put in the time to make him tame & friendly. He is cut so the billy goat thing isn't an issue. Below are a couple of pic's including his head stuck,and a pic of his replacement. Thanks, Steve (928)###-#### <img src=631354274.1.jpg> <img src=631354274.2.jpg> <img src=631354274.3.jpg> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: fernwood <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-05T10:52:40-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/flg/631354274.html Nonfuncnional Organic lawn mower text Want your ex-boyfriend back? [Unfortunately] I can help. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/630019049.html So, I've recently come to the realization that I possess a remarkable skill. I have the ability to reconnect women with ex-boyfriends that broke up with them. Now, some of you might be saying "Hey, that's pretty cool! How do you do that? I could make millions, or at least I could use that to trick women into sleeping with me!". Let me tell you, it sucks! The last three "girlfriends" I've had have all had their ex-boyfriends contact them shortly after starting to date me! It took about a month and a half after we began dating for the first girl's ex to reconnect with her. And I really liked her (and he is an abusive asshole, she deserves so much better). Man did that suck. With the second girl, it took about three and a half weeks for her guy to come back (he was supposed to have left the freaking country!). I really liked her too. The third girl, it took her ex literally two days to contact her after our first date (and they had been apart for over five years!). So, I appear to be getting better at this. Not only can I get you your boyfriend back within a few days, I can bring him back from incredibly unlikely circumstances. Have you been pining over an ex? Want him to give you a call? Perhaps he moved to Russia 12 years ago, got married, has 7 children, and you haven't heard from him since. No problem! One dinner and a movie with me and he'll likely be waiting on your doorstep when I drop you off. Now, I haven't had a chance to properly test this, but I suspect that my skill works much better if we sleep together. Now, this might not be absolutely necessary, but you do really want to see your ex again right? Why risk it. <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Herndon <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-04T11:52:15-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/630019049.html Want your ex-boyfriend back? [Unfortunately] I can help. text I am RICH and I want to spend it on YOU tonight. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cle/628259611.html I am so rich. Goodness, gracious. My, my, my. I am so, very, very wealthy. How many dollars do I have? That's a question only my team of ten fat accountants can answer, because they have golden calculators which I bought for them with my money. And what is on those golden calculators? Numbers. And those numbers equal the dollars in my bank accounts, which are huge. I have many vehicles which I use to travel across the world and to many exotic destinations where most people cannot go, because they are so poor. They have very little in dollars, but I, myself, I have very many dollars. Also, I am sexy for a man. I like to think that if I was a woman, I would be a playboy model. But since I am a man I am like the opposite of all that, the man version. In my vehicles I have stored many bottles of rare, delicious wines. These wines are hundreds of years old and covered in dust and cobwebs, which means that they are the most delicious kind, and that they were grown from grapes which were so succulent and juicy that the poor grape-pickers of France wanted to eat them right then and there. But they were whipped, by my shift-leader vintner, who makes sure that the best grapes in my vineyard go only into the wine. That's right, my great grandfather, who was also rich, owned the vineyard where this wine was made. And it's really strong too, it can get you wasted quickly. I am a big time gamer in the real estate market. I speculate and consolidate my wins and losses into pure profit, keeping my blue chips in the black, playing the lady stock market, teasing and tempting her, always with my eyes on the wall street journals and calling my broker on my diamond plated iphone, which I have the most expensive plan of. I call Steve Jobs on it, and when he answers, I'm like, "Who are you? I don't know who you are because I am so rich and cool, and only nerds know who you are." Then I hang up on him and laugh, lighting a big fat stogie with $300 dollars cash, which I just happened to have in my pocket because it's chump change to me. But I have a tender side. Sometimes, I see a hobo. And when I see the hobo, I think to myself, "This man is poor. His monetary value is low, and my monetary value is high, and it's a shame that he is himself. What can I do?" I ask the hobo if he would rather have booze or money to buy booze. If he says he wants the money, I don't give it to him because I know he'll buy booze with it. But if he says he wants the booze, I give him the money because I value honesty, even among lying hobos. You may be asking yourself at this point, why is this rich man posting on a message board when he can have any woman he wants at any time he wants her, just by showing her how much money he has in his shoe? The answer is that I want to date someone who doesn't know that I am rich. I want to be anonymous. Only when we have fallen in love will I reveal to you that I am rich. That is why we must meet through this message board. On our first date, I will wear normal clothes like from Wal-mart, that most people wear. And I will turn on the music on my stereo, when I'm picking you up, and it will play "Jamie's Cryin'", just like normal people listen to. I'll sing along as I drive you to the local Sonic and buy you a cherry limeade, being careful not to tip the carhop so you won't think that I have more money than I'm letting on. By this time you'll be thinking that I'm just like you, poor and smelly. But then we'll drive back to a hotel, only you will think we are going to Motel 6. But then we will pull up to the Marriott, and I'll smile knowingly. You might think that I have won the lottery recently, but I won't let on. Then when we get to the room I'll order room service, again, not telling you that I'm richer than a donkey's ass, just coolly ordering some duck l'orange and some fries. Finally, you'll be dying to know how I can afford such luxury. At that point I'll be like, "It's because I am rich." and then I'll pull off my flannel and be wearing a tuxedo underneath, and you'll be like, "Oh my God! You ARE rich." And then a helicopter will pull up to the window, with my butler Jenkins leaning out, holding a bottle of Chablis and a towel on his arm. "Evening Sir!" he'll say in his trademark way, and I'll say, "Jenkins! Let's go to Borneo tonight, eh? Can the GoldenDollarSign," (the name of my helicopter) "get us there in time for cocktails?" When we arrive in Borneo we'll land on top of my tallest skyscraper, and I'll propose to you, handing you a ring made of pure platinum, with 0% impurities. I can't wait to surprise you with that ring. I'm looking at it now. Send me an email if this could be you. Yours, Rich Bigdollars (Not my real last name.) <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: west <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-02T21:17:49-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cle/628259611.html I am RICH and I want to spend it on YOU tonight. text Kissing lessons http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nfk/624675990.html Are you a woman? Are you tired of guys complaining that you are a horrible kisser? Would you like to learn some new techniques in a fun and safe environment? Well you are in luck my friend! Right now you can take advantage of this once in a lifetime offer. I'm offering FREE, thats right, absolutely FREE kissing lessons to the first 500 women who apply. So don't delay, those 500 free offers are going fast! If you act RIGHT NOW you will receive training on the following types of kisses: 1.) French kissing 2.) Eskimo kissing 3.) Electric shock kissing 4.) Ear kissing 5.) Neck kissing 6.) Spiderman kissing 7.) Breath Kissing 8.) Underwater Kissing 9.) Vacuum Kissing And much much more!!!! So what are you waiting for?? Here are some testimonials from people just like you who have gone through this 5 hour course and come out the other side an expert kisser!! "I used to kiss guys and their reaction was always the same, they would say "you are not a very good kisser, I'm dumping you". But now thanks to this amazing course I've received all kinds of compliments, and I'm married now!!" - Katie (A Real customer) "I used to never get a date, but thanks to this kissing course I can really impress a guy with my tongue abilities, and he will overlook the fact that I am 600 pounds! All thanks to these amazing kissing lessons!!" - Jane (Not just a figment of my imagination) There you have it, so what are YOU waiting for? Pick up the phone now! And then put it back down and send me an email for an awe inspiring experience!! You won't regret it!! <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Hampton <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-30T23:55:15-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nfk/624675990.html Kissing lessons text A public service announcement: Please stop asking me if I'm pregnant. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/624032499.html I'm not. I know that I seem to be more of child bearing age than cancer producing age, and I know that my newly flat chest due to a recent double mastectomy makes my belly protrude and makes me look preggers. I'm not. I know also that, despite eating healthfully and exercising a ton, the roids and the hormone therapy I've had the pleasure to experience are to thank for the nice round tummy growing before my eyes. Hell, even I tend to think I look pregnant. But I'm not. Yes, I realize too that I tend to wear a lot of empire waist and babydoll dresses these days, further adding to the "pregnant look". but frankly, since most of my pants hide in fear when I approach them in the closet, these dresses are a much better option. I'm flattered that maybe you think I'm "glowing". I guess 25 rounds of radiation will do that. But please, PLEASE, unless you see my water breaking, don't ask me "Is it a boy or a girl?". Um, it's tamoxifen, thanks for asking. I don't want to have to blurt out the truth any more than you want to hear it. But frankly, I'm tired of trying to make you feel better about your dumb mistake. Now, I just answer, "NOPE. It's cancer. Bellies look bigger when you've had your breasts removed." Sorry. I know you're probably driving home feeling stupid. Good. And of course, the irony that you'll never know, is that I probably won't EVER be pregnant, thanks to all this lovely crap. Don't you know that you never, unless you're absolutely sure, ask a woman if she's pregnant? You just don't. Ok, maybe if she's got her legs up in the air, is panting like a race horse, and someone with a surgical mask is yelling "PUSH" at her. But even then, you should really be sure before you ask. And for god's sake, please, please PLEASE don't pat my belly. It's just fat and it's really embarassing when you do that. So unless you literally see a baby's head poking out of my vagina, please stop asking me if I'm pregnant. I kicked cancer's ass. I can certainly kick yours. Thanks. PS - To be fair, I should mention that I am somewhat flattered that people think I might actually be having sex.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-30T10:13:15-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/624032499.html A public service announcement: Please stop asking me if I'm pregnant. text Breakup Lesson # 1 - Don't fuck with someone who has naked pics of you http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/623387629.html 6 years. 6 motherfucking years. What the hell. I had always figured we'd work it out. I chalked up your alcoholism, selfishness, infidelity, lying and depression to personality quirks that would work themselves out as you matured, despite the obvious contention that you had four years on me. I genuinely loved you and despite everything, I know you loved me too. I think I've learned that while you can't control who you love, you sure as hell can control whether or not you allow yourself to stay with them. But 6 years kid. That's really what pisses me off the most. And we're not talking just any 6 years. 19-25. Those are my prime fucking years. Do you know how many times I shot down a sweet, charming, intelligent girl in line at starbucks. Or shunned the advances of the admittedly moronic but still dam sexy hipster girls at Estelle's. Oh, and that INCREDIBLE chick who I bought the car from and was nearly floored by the instant chemistry. Fuck yes, I took note of those situations and countless others. But the difference between you and I is that I have the character and morality to honor my word and I was faithful. In 6 years, not once did I so much as even slip. Where is your character? You're comming up fast on 30.....you still drink until you pass out on the weekends. Your writing has been suffering and quickly sliding down hill for nearly two years now. You haven't been published in 6 months. You're starting to look weathered and rapidly approaching the stereotypical "bar whore" look. Honestly, I'm not saying this to hurt you. Granted I'm pissed. I really am. In my fucking bed? Seriously? You have your own fucking place? What was it, for the thrill? And then you have the nerve to call me an animal when I take a few swings at the guy after he threatens me in my own home? I bet he didn't seem quite so sexy laying on the floor of my bedroom crying about calling the police while holding his broken nose. Nice choice in men, gives me a reason to do some self reflection. And you wonder why I would never fuck you without a condom.... This life you've chosen. It's beyond destructive. And I feel sorry for you. I truly hope you get it together one day. You're talented, beautiful and deep, deep, deep, deep down.....somewhat of a decent person. But as for us. Not a chance. So here's how this is going to work. I know we're both strong willed but kid, you know I always end up with the upper hand in life. 1) Your "perceived" infiltration into my social circles is hereby null and void. Because it's over (and I mean over) I can finally say, everyone hated you. You were rude, obnoxious, pretentious and trendy. Your intelligence is not an "excuse-all." Cutting people down shouldn't be a hobby. Don't call ANYONE, or do the usual "invite yourself" anywhere. Trust me, they won't be calling you. I've been hearing for 5 years how I need to leave you. In fact, we're having a party tomorrow and I fully plan on getting laid. If by chance, we stumble into each-other somewhere....YOU WILL LEAVE, immediately. 2) You will Fedex via Priority Overnight, first thing Monday morning, the following: a) all my LP's b) all documents I have saved on your computer (even though I have copies you plagiarizing bitch) c) three shirts, two pairs of jeans, countless socks & boxers - no pervy you can't keem them, d) my training gloves & heavy bag gloves e) my ipod f) my ideas notebook g) any clippings you've made of my stories or articles (plagiarizing bitch) 3) the tiffany's ring - fucking keep it. I'd sell it and get a high class whore just to spite you anyway. 4) You may no longer speak to any member of my family. End of story. I know you and my mom are chummy, not anymore. she's getting the same talk. but in a much nicer way. 5) you are barred from the following establishments due to my usual patronage: the uptown barnes and noble, the green mill, danny's, club foot, estelle's, the lincoln tap and the zebra lounge. All the other common places are fair game, but please note the last sentence of stipulation #1 5 simple things and everything remains copacetic. and why will you do all these things? especially when you're about the most vindictive and drama craving individual I know. Because despite all the craziness we were extremely compatible in the bedroom. And hell, dare I go out on a limb and admit that maybe you were even just a tad kinkier than me? No doubt your subconscious recognized the fact that I was the more trustworthy of the two and hence the logic behind myself being the "keeper" of our visual record of our bedroom activities. thousands of them. and oddly enough, most of them are of you. of the two of us, I'm the one more comfortable with their body, I could give a shit if one of your friends sees my my cock or my ass. Hell, if I get drunk enough one night, they might just see it anyway. I know Amy has been bugging you for a threesome for years, something tells me she might just be a phone call away. But let's keep this civil. No need for threats or anything of the sort. I just want my shit back and never, I MEAN NEVER, to see or hear from you again. Sound fair? 6 months from now, if all the above conditions are met within a reasonable time frame you have my word I will delete them all. And my word.....well, we both know it's my bond. Good luck to you kid. Hope you get it together. <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: My Hard Drive <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-29T17:49:24-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/623387629.html Breakup Lesson # 1 - Don't fuck with someone who has naked pics of you text CATBUS http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/alb/621862265.html I HAVE A 1995 MO' VAN THAT GOT TRANSFORMED INTO THIS CATBUS. I BROUGHT IT TO A SHOPS AND I WAS LIKE HEY, CAN YOU TURN THIS INTO A CATBUS? SO THEY DID. THEN THAT DAY I DROVE IT HOME. THE CAT BUS ONLY HAS 50K, WHICH ARE ALL HIGHWAY MILES AS I DROVE IT TO WORK 2 DAYS A WEEK AND THAT WAS IT. IT'S IN REALLY GOOD SHAPE AND ALL THE FUR IS STILL ALL THERE. THE STEERING WHEEL HAS A CAT ON IT. IM ONLY ASKING 2900 FOR THE CATBUS BECAUSE ITS REALLY FURRY AND SOMETIMES PEOPLE GET SICK ON IT. <img src=621862265.jpg> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> This item has been posted by-owner. <li> Location: ALBANY <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-28T13:15:47-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/alb/621862265.html CATBUS text Three Amazing PHP/MySQL/Perl Developers Now Available - Story http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/620559733.html Yesterday I had to do one of the more difficult things -- lay off three of my good friends, all of whom are talented and professional developers. I'm posting here today in hopes that someone out in the world is looking for some seasoned talent, people who can get things done for you. I will personally recommend all three of these guys, and I'll detail below each of them. If you are interested, I'm including my phone number. I'll take your contact information and give it to the person(s) you are interested in, and you can take it from there. <div style="border:1px solid red; background-color:#fee; color:#f00; padding:5px;"> PLEASE NOTE: Developer #1 and 2 are based in Herndon, VA, and are looking primarily for either work nearby, or for telecommuting/remote work. They haven't commuted in a while, and they may not survive a long commute. Developer #3 is in Colorado, and is looking mostly for remote work, unless you happen to be in Colorado. </div> Here goes. Developer #1 I've worked with Developer #1 since 2005. He's worked for Fortune 500 companies and small startups. His strengths are conceptualizing and implementing complex systems using PHP and MySQL. These systems are not limited to the web, however the web is where most of his work has been for the last few years. During his employment with me, he: * Designed a complex billing system, complete with audit trails * Developed a site-wide internationalization system, allowing us to easily translate any phrase on the system to a different language * Designed and successfully implemented several difficult projects based on half-way decent specifications documents (my fault) Developer #1 is the guy you want to lead your development team. He will take a project and run with it, and it will come out better than you had hoped. He'll find the fatal flaws in your specifications, either propose a change or work around them as appropriate, and do it in an extensible way that will save you time in the future. He really is the cream of the crop. Most of his work has been PHP and MySQL, though he has done a lot with Perl. He is strongly drawn to big challenges and tough assignments, and attacks them with tenacity. Don't ask him to build you a 5 page website. He'll fall asleep. Hire him to build you a gigantic web application that supports tens of thousands of customers. <hr> Developer #2 Don't let his shy persona fool you. He's a geek, the kind of geek you'd expect to see waiting in line for Star Wars tickets or an Xbox 360 at Target. And behind his quiet demeanor the guy can code. You would put him in a basement and slide pizza and mountain dew (or Tilt, depending on office policy) under the door, and he'd keep cranking out code you never thought was possible. Sure, you'll want to give him specific details on what he's building, what it should look like, how you want it to work. But once you do that and hand it off, you get something better than you expected. I've always been pleased with the functionality and quality of the work he has done for me. Developer #2 is the guy you need if you already have a lead developer and he needs a code monkey who can get code out that works the first time. PHP and MySQL are his strengths, but I've been impressed with his JavaScript and AJAX/Web 2.0 abilities as well. Cross-browser code is tested and working without need to mention it. He's a joy to have on your team. <hr> Developer #3 It's tough to describe him. He's the guy you want running your development team, managing a bunch of coders. He's the guy who will listen to what you need and write up the specs. He's the guy that, if you don't have a team of coders, will write you code that will read like poetry and run like the wind. He's obsessed with performance, code reuse, contributing the the Open Source community, and always exploring different ways to improve his own coding abilities in different languages and methodologies. He's got more O'Reilly books than you, and has read and comprehended them better than you. No offense. He's not one to blast out messy code that barely works. If you need a huge project done in a day, he'll tell you if it can be done, or how it can be done with some changes, and you should listen. He knows his stuff. Though his strong suit at the moment is Perl and MySQL, the guy can do PHP, Ruby, Python and probably whatever other language you want to throw at him. He'll tell you what he likes and dislikes about all of the languages. And usually, you can't argue with his position -- it's well thought out and often right. He'll still code in your language though. He's a heavyweight, and he's based in the Rocky Mountains. He works remotely, unless you happen to be looking for someone in the Rocky Mountains. He's willing to do contract work hourly, or take on a full time job. Whatever the project, he won't disappoint. Unless you have unrealistic expectations, but then who won't disappoint? :-) <hr> I can't recommend these three guys more highly. It kills me to have to let them go, but they are also extremely talented and I want them to get swooped up by a company who will appreciate their talents and strengths, treat them with respect, and buy them lunch every now and then. Interested? I'm not surprised. Call 866-925-3430. I'll answer any questions you might have, and if you are still interested, I'll put them in touch with you.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Herndon, VA <li> Telecommuting is ok. <li> OK for recruiters to contact this job poster. <li> Phone calls about this job are ok. <li> Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-27T12:22:20-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/620559733.html Three Amazing PHP/MySQL/Perl Developers Now Available - Story text Free or Fee http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/617501011.html My First Dog was...... FREE..... And I loved her with all the love a heart could have. She was fed and cared for and excercised and played with and slept with and vetted when necessary and she lived to be 15. She was loved by a whole family and there were lots of tears when she died. My Second Dog was........FREE..... And I loved him beyond measure. He traveled with me as I moved all over the U.S. I payed pet deposites on rental houses... I spent thousands of dollars on vets when he got a rare disease. He went on dates with me.. he went to work with me... he slept by my bed, ate the best of foods... was the envy of many who stopped to say how cool he was... And I thought my heart would never ever mend when he died at age 14. My Third Dog was.... NOT FREE....I paid $20 for him and I loved him... played with him... fed him the best foods.. paid his vet bills... he slept by the bed, kept me company on long walks... and I cried till I could cry no more when he passed away at 13. My Fourth Dog was.....FREE... I picked him up lost and abandoned on the side of the freeway... I didn't need or particularly want a second dog at the time.... But I loved him... played with him.. fed him the best foods.. Paid for veterinary care and later when he had severe arthitis, spent many hundreds on suppliments to keep him comfortable till I had to have him laid to rest at 14. And I cried... and thanked God for the stranger that came to stay with us for so many years. My Fifth Dog ... My CURRENT Dog... was..... NOT FREE..... I paid $80 for him... And I love him.. and I play with him.. and I pay the vet when he needs it.. and he sleeps by my bed, and he gets the best of foods, and he follows me everywhere and I hope that we will get to love him for many more years until it's time for him to pass on and we will cry and our hearts will break and we will miss him. Somewhere in this short story of my life with dogs... And I could easily write another much longer story about my life with many, many horses... some free.. some rescued.. some paid a small price for and some paid a high price for... Somewhere in the stories... I hope is a lesson. Every animal in my care... for whatever reason it came and at whatever cost.... Got the same kind of care. They got the BEST care I could give... and sometimes... because of sacrifice.. they got better care than prudently affordable or necessary. Did it matter the price I paid for them?.... IT DID NOT!..... Nor will it ever. And I seriously doubt it matters in many other homes across the world... People either value their pets or they don't... I have seen just as many neglected pets and livestock come from "rich" homes as I have poor. It is not the money that takes care of an animal... It is the heart of the people or person they live with. The poorest person will find a way if they love enough. If you ask me... charging a high fee to "ensure a good home", is just a lazy persons way out of not feeling guilty for the fact that they do not want to take enough time to find out if the home they are selling their pet to is adequate. It's a lot easier to take someones money and tell yourself that you did the right thing, than it is to take the time to get to know someone, or to go look at their home.. or to draw up an agreement on their care with a return clause, to get references and to follow up with checks over the next days, weeks and months. To take this argument to the ridiculous.... One of my children was born when we had really great insurance and guess what?... She was ... FREE!..... My Second child, we didn't have good insurance.... She cost... ALOT!!!... I wonder if we are less of a good home for the first one?.... Maybe I should love the second one a bit more since she cost so much?... This is long... but hopefully the message is clear.... Money can buy a lot of things... and certainly you should ask prospective homes if they can afford the upkeep of a pet... even go as far as to list out some of the expenses....But take the time to make sure you are finding a good home... don't use making money as a cop-out to get out of your responsibilities. You may find... that the most loving thing you can do for your pet is to place him in a home for.... Free... I will give you a flip side to the situation... when you need to rehome your pet... when you are "desperately seeking good home asap"... Letting someone "rescue" you from your situation... can give them a sense of pride for doing something good for both animal and human... that is a value that is much greater than money and may in the end go the farthest towards giving your pet a great life. Thank you for reading this.. I hope it is taken in good spirit and gives another point of view on the subject of "rehoming fees"... God Bless <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-24T18:16:59-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/617501011.html Free or Fee text Unemployed Broke Girl Seeks Same for Friendship Maybe More http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ftc/617472948.html In an effort to appease my best friend I am finaly posting a personal ad on Craigslist. I have tried explaining to her that I don't currently have a whole lot to offer a potential mate. She scoffs and informs me that I am a great person and that I should at least make an effort. Here it is. This is my effort: I am an unemployed single female seeking a fun guy for friendship and maybe more. I don't want to feel like a leech, desperately clinging to a guy with a fancy schmancy office job (complete with health insurance!) because he can pay for things. I want an equal. A true partner. Being unemployed and broke together as opposed to apart will probably help to boost our self-esteem. Don't worry about taking me anywhere fancy on our first date. I completely understand that the best you can do is inviting me to your studio apartment for some Ramen. I won't mind at all that we sit on orange crates and that an empty cable spool is our table. I will gladly stand on one foot with one foil wrapped hand tightly gripping your television antenna as my other arm reaches towards the window so that we can watch a very scratchy Simpsons rerun. I totally understand that you can't afford cable right now. Don't worry, I can't either! If things go well, perhaps we'll have a second date. This time, you can come over to my place. Don't get any ideas though. Remember, niether one of us can afford condoms. I'll make you Ramen and after we're done eating we can search under my couch cushions for change. Maybe we'll come up with enough to buy a piece of gum from the gas station across the street. We'll have to split it though, because I'm not sure that there is enough change for two double bubbles in my couch. Don't worry about running out of activities just because we're both broke and unemployed. There are plenty of things that we can do together that don't cost any money at all: - Use my neighbor's internet connection to cruise craiglist's "free stuff" for items that we might be able to sell on ebay. - Steal toilet paper from public restrooms when we can't afford to buy any. - Go for walks. - Go for more walks. - Have competitions to see who lost the most weight last week when they couldn't afford any food. - Offer to clean people's windshield's at gas stations for the tip. - I'm sure you can think of even more!!! About two weeks before the end of every month I will expect you to sit on street corners with me as I pathetically attempt to make up rent money buy "playing" the guitar. (If you actually know how to play the guitar, I'll definitely write you back!) If you happen to get a job while I am still unemployed, don't worry. It will be quick and painless to break up with me. I'll feel really crappy about no longer being equal to you and in order to cheer me up you can take me out for a few drinks. Due to the lack of food in my stomach, it will only take about two beers for me to get completely shit-faced and start crying about how I don't want to lose you to your co-workers and asking "who will sit with me on street corners now!?" While I am in this dependent and pathetic state you can take me back to my apartment and finally sleep with me (using the condoms you just bought with your first paycheck). Slip out the door after I pass out and never call me again. I won't try to call you back. After all, by then my phone will have been completely shut off due to lack of payment. All I ask is that if you ever see me on the street corner, still trying to figure out how to play my guitar, leave a dollar in my hat. I am eager and excited to find my new (albeit temporary) partner! Your pic gets mine! <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Fort Collins <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-24T18:50:43-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ftc/617472948.html Unemployed Broke Girl Seeks Same for Friendship Maybe More text Dear Cat, http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/616864088.html Dear Cat, I have some issues with you right now that I would like to hash out. And now is as good a time as any with you laying over my arms while I am trying to type on the computer. You don't even look comfortable and you can't breathe lying like that with your butt higher up than your head but your brain is the size of a walnut so I will forgive you. First of all, the litterbox. Is it your goal to poop on the rim of the box? Because if it is, bravo! Mission accomplished, you can stop now. You have proved your point. It is not funny anymore, and I have run out of sticks in the yard to clean it off with. The box is big enough, and you are still small, so don't even go there. Now... making pointless, incessant noises. If I take something away from you because I am tired of hearing it scoot across the floor for the last 2 hours, it does not mean to go find something else to mess with. I mean really where do you find this stuff? A wad of paper? A bottle cap? Is that really that fun to play with? I put things on the coffee table because I want them there. I do not want you to knock EVERYTHING off of the coffee table in one of your mindless "tearing ass through the house for no reason" adventures every single day. Once in a while, it is amusing. Every day, it's not that funny. Your ass stinks. I mean REALLY stinks. Like the worst poop you've ever smelled. Why do you smell soooo horrible? I thought cats were clean! I have never experienced this smelly, stinky cat phenomena with any other cat on this Earth. Why, God, did you give me the most stinky cat in this solar system? And Cat, why do you insist on showing me your ass? I know it stinks, but what am I supposed to do about it? Bathe you??? LOL! Remember the last time that happened? I still have the scars... Also, when you sit on my arm, please have the kindness to put your tail over your butthole so it doesn't come into contact with my skin. I might catch something. Lastly, I am allergic to you. I know this isn't your fault, but knowing this, why do you insist on rubbing the whole length of your body on my face? Okay... I just pulled a CATHAIR out of my eye. No wonder my eyes are itchy if you are purposefully depositing your dander into my eyes! What are you trying to prove here? That you know I'm stuck with you? While you're busy carrying things about the house in your mouth to deposit them into some area that I haven't discovered yet- would you mind bringing me a peice of sandpaper to me so that I can alleviate the itching you've caused me? Oh- while we're on this subject, I need my hair ties back- I know you have them. Thanks. <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-24T12:02:28-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/616864088.html Dear Cat, text Happy fifth anniversary! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/611682001.html Has it really been five years already? Wow, time really flies with the distractions of life. So many things going on that sometimes its pretty easy to forget about you. I remember way back when you were projected to be this little $50-60 billion "conflict." But my how youve grown! Its hard to believe that now youre projected total cost is $3 trillion... thats a lot of zeros! Your ability to suck all the resources of this nation is quite something. The infrastructure of our nation is suffering in innumerable ways because of the lack of available money. It will likely take near an entire generation to recover from you... whenever you stop. And how do we even recover from the human losses and tragedies? You know damn well weve created another generation of mentally ill war vets, just like those from Vietnam we all see wandering the streets of our major cities. Over 200,000 have applied for disability benefits. Then theres the 3990 fatalities in the US forces, and by extension 3990 families that have been changed forever. So many of them seem to be young parents. I dont want to forget the other 308 coalition deaths, the 29,314 US wounded, or countless Iraqi deaths and injuries. And by countless I mean countless. Nobody really knows. But since they started trying to keep track in 2005 there have been 47,000 fatalities. So war, I really think its about time you and I went our seperate ways. I dont think I can handle another year of you. But to be realistic I know how tricky it can be to end these kind of dysfuctional realtionships, so Ill just hope that next year at this time well both have moved on and have started the healing process. <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-19T13:20:17-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/611682001.html Happy fifth anniversary! text RAVE: To the Boys Who TP'd My House Last Night http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/611335185.html To the Boys Who TPd My House Last Night -- excellent job! No, seriously, best TP job I have ever seen. And, as the son of a former high school principal, Ive seen a few! It was like youd Googled How to TP a House. STEP ONE: PICK A HOUSE WHICH: - is on the corner so lots of people driving by see your work CHECK! - has lots of hedges and HIGH trees to hang TP on CHECK! - has no fence to trap you in case youre caught CHECK! - has no motion-sensitive lights to warn the owners CHECK! - has no dog DOH! Yes, we have a dog and you should have known that because he barks at you when you walk by. Our barking dog woke me up. And finally, pick a house which: - doesnt have an owner crazy enough to take down all your handiwork in the middle of the night before anyone gets to witness your genius DOH! I was almost SORRY to be dismantling your masterpiece before morning light. If it helps, I actually stood back and took it all in before I started pulling down streams of white. But, this being Seattle, I was afraid it would rain and wet TP is REALLY hard to remove from trees. I speak from experience here. STEP TWO: TP TECHNIQUE -- AND BEYOND First, your TP technique was superb. I believe I got the benefit of your collective experience here? This couldnt have been your first job. - the sheer volume of TP was impressive. I counted no fewer than six rolls - the TP was indeed in the HIGHEST branches of my trees great arm! I had to climb the trees and use a rake to remove the final flapping vestiges. - the TP was high quality, important because the cheap stuff doesnt cling right But it was all the EXTRAS which put this TP job in the excellent category: - At least a grocery bag of ripped-into-small-pieces colored construction paper scattered across our lawn. Even in the streetlight it was pretty. - Silly string! Come on who doesnt appreciate silly string? Especially on hedges. That stuff is stubborn. Theres still some out there. - And the coup-de-grace the Vaseline on the door handle. Brilliant! As I chased you off in my bare feet (more on this below) I noted my flash light covered in sticky stuff. Took me a while to figure out what had happened. Now, on your escape you did break one cardinal rule of the TP trade. If discovered do NOT run in the direction of your house. It could be argued you should lose a point for this gaff, but I suppose it can be forgiven given the lay of the land and the fact that you were likely freaked out when I burst out of my front door with flash light hand. Would you believe I actually ENVIED you as you ran off? I truly did. Because I knew your hearts were hammering at your ribs and you were experiencing that delicious fear that comes from being discovered in the middle of perpetrating a first-class prank. Holy crap, dude! He almost CAUGHT US! The thought made me laugh out loud several times as I went about putting my front yard right again. STEP THREE - DO NO HARM Finally, what you DIDNT DO is also important: you didnt trample our newly planted plants or break any tree branches. You didnt egg the house that can destroy paint jobs. You didnt do anything to cause any real damage to our home or property. So in closing dont be too disappointed I removed all the materials you carefully collected and brought to our house before anyone else got to see it displayed in all its glory. I am memorializing your effort here on Craigslist for all to read. After an hour of work, as I stood back and looked at my boring de-TPd yard, I brought to mind how much more colorful it had been just 60 mintues before. With your work in mind, I held up an imaginary score card Olympics style10.0! Had there been crowds, they would have gone wild. With respect, Home Owner, Issaquah WA P.S. btw, once is funny. Twice...not so much. ;)   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Issaquah, WA <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-19T08:49:30-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/611335185.html RAVE: To the Boys Who TP'd My House Last Night text Fixed Gear Death Trap http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/608546617.html I'm selling a complete fixed gear. It is totally ready to ride and will probably kill you. I pushed it into a bike shop recently to have the rear wheel trued. At the bottom of my receipt it read, 'My advice, get a new bike.' So, I am. And maybe you are too! He was reserved enough not to use the words 'death' or 'trap,' but I'm not! The frame is probably an old Raleigh that could have been worth something. It's rattlecanned and chipping rapidly. The paint is almost completely gone where my car's bike rack grips. There are, however, parts of the bike that are still entirely painted. Looking a little deeper, the headset is completely fucked. Unless you can ride a unicycle, you can't ride this bike with no hands. I'm expecting something terrible to happen in the headset in the next few rides that will pitch me onto the pavement. For the right price, this could be you! Also, the pedals were never supposed to house toe cages. So, the cages are kind of ruined and inoperable. Sometimes when I'm skidding, my front foot will almost slip out and I'll get all wobbly before righting myself. During these moments, my eyes are usually plate-wide with terror. This could be your terror! There are still front and rear brakes installed, because it was always kind of a half-assed conversion. These could definitely be removed, though. The bike shop guy even tightened up the rear brakes for me. You could be the only fixie rider in SF with fully functional rear brakes. But the brake cables are also completely shot, so I wouldn't count on it. The handlebar tape is falling off and one of the plugs is missing. Also, I don't remember what kind of cranks are on it but the pedals are super long. Every now and then when you're riding they slam off the ground and get more ruined. Again, there's some aspect of terror here. The gear ratio is 52/20. The rear tire is flat and the Presta valve is broken off. This bike is what my brother affectionately refers to as a 'time bomb.' Why? Because there's no track hub or cog. Actually, there's a freewheel with loctite in it. So far, I've been able to learn how to ride fixed on this setup without it falling apart. But someday it will. And when it does, someone is going to get fucking screwed. I paid $80 for it 8 months ago in Buffalo. Considering we're in San Francisco, the asking price is $350. I think that's only fair. <img src=608546617.1.jpg> <img src=608546617.1.jpg>  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-16T18:33:11-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/608546617.html Fixed Gear Death Trap text Firewood - good well seasoned and lots of it http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/604068203.html OK this is long but only because of all the nonsense I went through posting this ad last week and dealing with people that want me to deliver and stack it for them for free. Or want to spend an hour on the phone with me, or provide them a map, or help load or or or Look its simple. I have tons literally tons of good firewood to get rid of. It has been aged through three winters and is peak for burning now. It is all Eucalyptus. The rounds range in length from roughly sixteen inches to roughly twenty-four inches. The rounds range in diameter to what one person can handle to very large needing two or even three men to handle. You need a log splitter! Dont call to tell me you dont have a splitter and will be right over! They rent these things here in Novato its no big deal. You also need a wheelbarrow or be ready to walk back and forth a lot because you cant park any closer to the wood than maybe seventy feet. So it is much easier if you have a wheelbarrow. You can access the wood anytime without appointment really. I dont need to know you are on the way, or that first you have to buy your kids some pizza. I dont need to know anything. Its free wood get it? Im giving it away not looking for a relationship. If you dont want to do some work for the free wood thats perfectly fine with me just go read some other ad. I dont mind really. And the only thing I ask is that you dont make a mess of the area. Thats what I am trying to do is clean it up. So take as much as you like, and leave things in good shape. Last night I watched somebody haul away easily five hundred bucks worth of wood in less than an hour and I have twenty times that amount left. So it really can be done. The only other thing you need is location, which I will provide if you contact me. I dont want to meet your mother! And I dont respond to earthlink addresses with that stupid spam quiz. Everything in this ad is all you need to know. I hope your cancer goes into remission and the orphans forgive you. <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-12T12:26:05-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/604068203.html Firewood - good well seasoned and lots of it text Dear Winter: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/603845647.html I can't do this anymore. It's time for "us" to be over. We both know it. When I met you in November, I was totally into you. I'll admit that you helped me see the city in a totally different way. After a fall of rain and darkness, you made everything seem so fresh and new. Because of you I went skating, rekindled my love for hot chocolate, cozied up under piles of blankets and watch my favorite old movies, spent evenings in concocting great meals. You know how I love the sensuality of the simmering pots on the stove top. Christmas vacation was amazing, and I know that had a lot to do with you. Without you, none of those things wouldn't have happened. I know that. And it's not like those times weren't great. But it's time to move on. And you know why. For one thing, I'm starting to grow weary of the clothes you force me to wear. I have my own sense of style you know. And it doesn't include wearing every garment in my closet day after day. It doesn't include schlumping around in those horrible boots you insist on, either. I mean, give it a rest already! How about you let me wear a pair of shoes for a change? Or maybe even clothing that shows I'm a woman, and not an androgynous lump. I am SO over your tyrannical and unsightly fashion sense. Also, you constantly make me late. I mean, how many times have I been late for appointments, concerts, hell - even work? You're slowing me down. Even strangers - TTC operators, taxi drivers - have made comments to me about you. You must have heard them - you were right there when they said it! And still, you just don't care. I have to move at a faster pace than this. I can't have you dragging me down like this forever. And then there's your coldness towards me. There have been so many days in the past months when things have been great - my job, my friends, my family. And then WHAM - your coldness slams into me and chills me to the bone. When you do that, it makes me feel like I have nothing to live for. And we both know that's just not true! I can't continue to let you affect my outlook on life in this way. It's unhealthy, and I'm not putting up with it any more. What's more, my friends HATE you. They complain about you all the time. And whenever my family calls from BC, they ask if you're still hanging around. They're always surprised to hear that I haven't shaken you yet. I try to put you in a positive light, but nobody's buying it any more. Not even me. I don't want to be a jerk or anything. And after the fun times we've had, I hate to hurt your feelings. But you deserve to know that I've got my heart set on someone new. Someone who will let me wear skirts, and encourage me to get outside more often. Someone who will make me feel lighter and freer. My friends and family keep mentioning that this new relationship is just around the corner, if only I can get rid of you. So please. Stop tapping on my window. Stop showing up at my office after work. I'm moving on. <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Dumpsville. Population: YOU <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-12T12:28:27-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/603845647.html Dear Winter: text Silda Spitzer, I will totally do you. - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/603757171.html Dear Silda Spitzer, I'm not sure why Eliot needed to stray; the deeper afflictions that arise during married life are a private affair (pardon) and to speculate or analyze about them is pointless and cruel. I'm sure you and your husband both have difficult characteristics that drive you to distraction or worse. I am here to tell you that none of those things matter to me, because I do not want to marry you, Silda, I want to fuck you. Silda, let's face it, you're hot. Aitch-Ayy-Double-DoubleYew-Tee. Hawwt. I'm no great catch and have a tendency to be a bit of a prick, but hey, when you're standing there next to Eliot, humiliated, thinking "I can do better", are you really thinking about how much better? No. What's important right now is for you to dish it back, to arch your back and take it doggie-style with a thumb up your butt for good measure, to look back over your shoulder and see a different balding, self-righteous, smirking white guy grunting away and slapping your ass. I am taller than Eliot. When we move to the floor and hit the mish, you can reflect on your options: go for the divorce, the family-rending heartache with the big payday? Or stay t