Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2009, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2009-09-14T03:43:52-06:00 2 daily Astronaut Needed http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/1373376861.html Astronaut needed for experimental flight to Titan. I have been working on this project now for near 40 years and am afraid I'm no longer fit enough to go. My secret space craft is the result of my professional experience and imagination while serving the U.S. military in advanced aeronautics as a scientist. The craft harnesses a revolutionary propulsion system and its fuselage is fabricated with the most advanced material. While considerably safe, I am certain you will make it safely to Titan but there will not be enough fuel to get home. This is for someone unique that has always wanted to see the universe first-hand and has perhaps a terminal view on life here at home. Here's your shot at romantic history. Must be: -physically fit. -mentally sound. -over the age of 18. -a dreamer. -a believer. -not afraid of heights. -not afraid of extreme conditions such as speed, pressure, heat, etc. -brave. -no taller than 5'10 and relatively slim. -good eye-sight & hearing. -manual dexterity (although the craft is largely cpu controlled). -OK in cramped conditions for long periods of time. <ul> <li> Location: Northern Alberta <li> Compensation: $25,000 CASH. <li> This is a contract job. <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-14T03:43:52-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/1373376861.html Astronaut Needed text License Plate BJN7523 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/grr/1370319667.html Dear Sir or Madam: Ha ha! You are clever! You regifted your unwanted parking ticket to a neighboring vehicle! Unfortunately, you disregarded two important points. First, I do not drive a silver Buick; second, I do not plan to pay the city $30 on your behalf. I understand fines double after 10 days and triple after 90 days. Good luck with that. Cordial Disregards, the Neighboring Vehicle's Driver <ul> <li> Location: downtown Grand Rapids <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-11T23:33:08-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/grr/1370319667.html License Plate BJN7523 text Imperfect Pet Owner Seeks Perfect Adopter http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1370262847.html I wanted a pet, so I got one. But I am tired of taking care of it, and paying for it. I might even be moving, in which case I would have to pay a pet deposit or spend an extra 30 seconds planning how to take along my pet. Maybe I decided to have a baby or get a boyfriend (or girlfriend). Anyhow, I don't want my pet anymore. Oh wait, that sounds every bit as selfish as I am. I mean, I can't keep my pet. Yeah, that's it. Oh allergies- YES, I suddenly got allergies. No one will question that. Now about my pet. I've had it since it was a kitten (or pup, or egg if reptilian) and now it's middle aged, the age NO ONE wants to adopt, but didn't you see- I need someone to take care of it. Anyhow, since this process will be very upsetting for my formerly precious pet (and because I may feel an inkling of guilt) I want the adopter to give it a home where there are no other pets, so it doesn't have to share your affections (even though I've been ignoring it for months). Now let me tell you how sweet, lovable, and darling he/she is. Also, allow me to fail to mention that he/she has a urination issue when scared, or he/she eat sofas, etc. Oh, and I think you should pay a fee to show you're capable of buying cat food. And plus I spent money on it 8 years ago and heck I can get a few boxes of diapers for the baby with that cash. Besides, everyone knows that you can tell a person who's taking your pet to be a test lab subject by whether or not they'll shell out $50. If my pet is purebred, I will likely try to charge you hundreds. Because I spend hundreds and this is a very valuable pet. I just don't want it anymore. But YOU should want it enough to help me recoup my original purchase price. Now, I hope you'll take it right to the vet, because he/she is behind on shots. And was never spayed/neutered. And make sure it gets premium food and all the things it deserves, but I am too selfish to even continue to care for it. And remember, this is a commitment- you better not take it and then change your mind ever because only I can do that. Now that I dumped him/her on you, he/she is too traumatized to ever face that again. Last of all, I will now close by telling you that I need this person who takes over my responsibility to come along quickly, because otherwise I *may* have to take him/her to the pound. I probably won't, but that threat is sure to scare someone into hurrying up and taking over my responsibility. <ul> <li> Location: everywhere <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-11T19:36:39-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1370262847.html Imperfect Pet Owner Seeks Perfect Adopter text IN A WELL, NEED LADDER http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1369705084.html I'm offering a reward for the first person who shows up with at least a 25 foot ladder to the well off of rt. 322 and Sugarsbridge Rd. My friends won't come because they think i'm joking. I'm definitely NOT... I have water but have not eaten in two days. Reward is negotiable depending on how quickly you get here. And FYI to the kid that threw rocks down the well at me yesterday evening, I'm going to find you and do terrible thing to you. <ul> <li> Location: phila burbs <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: neg. depends on response time </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-11T16:13:03-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1369705084.html IN A WELL, NEED LADDER text Beautiful fly http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/1368716935.html I caught a fly. Shimmers green, red eyes. Measures approximately 9mm by 5mm, flies great. Want to give to a good home. <img src="http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:yfP_GxW-O6oZ_M:http://mypetjawa.mu.nu/archives/fly.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Long Beach <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-10T22:29:53-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/1368716935.html Beautiful fly text Dead rat finder and remover http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mil/1365314322.html Had a rat problems and solved it by using the rat poison. The rats died somewhere in my bedroom wall and I can't find it but I can smell it it is not too good. I need some body who has experience finding where in wall the dead rats is and then taking them out it without breaking the walls. Maybe some guy who is poor they are more likely to have experience with the rats. Im not really able to pay too much for this would treat you to McDonald's it is close to my home. Besides, this is good experience for you if you are in the business. I would be willing to tell all your other customers what a great job you did with my rat. You could give them my cell number and as soon as my phone gets turned back on it would be like you have free advertising. I dispertly need some guys help right away cause my girlfriend won't sleep over anymore till I get rid of the smell and cleanup other things around my home and get a job soon. She used to go out with my brother and Im scared she will go back with him cause he don't have rats in his house. Dont worry if I dont answer you right away cause Im using my friends computer I dont have one. Give me your number and ill call you back and tell you where the house is. Thanks. <ul> <li> Location: Milwaukee <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: no pay </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-09T00:33:29-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mil/1365314322.html Dead rat finder and remover text Observations on sex from a single woman - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1363379397.html So, I'm a single, classy, well-educated, professional, in shape, cool woman... I'm dating and on the somewhat rare occasions when I meet somebody cool... someone I connect to and have chemistry with... I have sex. Here are some observations and tips for you guys from a somewhat sexually frustrated woman: 1) Condoms are a must... wear it and shut the fuck up about it. I haven't had sex without one in over 10 years and I deal with it, so can you. Your shit is just not great enough for me to even consider having that kind of trust with you, especially the first few times we hook up. I mean, seriously. Yes I know it feels better and it's hard (no pun intended) for you to cum when you're wearing one. That just means you're not working hard enough for the orgasm... you're lazy. Get in there and work it out, dammit. Others have been successful and so can you. Which leads me to #2... 2) You put a condom on and your shit just goes limp. You have a hot-ass girl wanting your dick inside her... you see her there laying in front of you, looking at you with "that look," and you can't get hard? Again, put some heart into it. You inevitably say, "I hate these things." I don't care. Stop thinking about the fucking condom and make it work. Seriously. 3) You're in the zone, working it out... good shit. But I say, "Hold on, can I get some KY real quick?" Stop getting pissed off and/or offended... You say, "How come you're not wet?" Um, I am, or I was, but after a good amount of time, rubber dries, which contributes to me drying out, and it fucking hurts. I WANT you to keep fucking me... I just want to get some fucking lube. I have your best interests at heart too, believe me. A little bit of lube never hurt anybody. 4) Sometimes I just want the dick... I don't want oral sex. It's not that you're bad or good at it, I'm just not in the mood... I just want your cock. Just an FYI. 5) It takes me a good amount of time to cum... it just does. Believe me... if I want you to stop, you'll know it. If I don't say anything or push you the fuck off me, just keep going. Pay attention to my facial expressions (open mouth, no sound coming out, but it looks like I'm screaming = good)... my feet (when my toes start to curl, keep doing whatever you're doing)... my hands and fingers and grip (if I'm kind of holding your hips at a certain angle... follow my lead). 6) Go ahead... grip me up a little (but, there is a fine line... don't cross it). Grab my hair... grab the back of my head... make me feel hot and wanted... it's fucking hot and I love it. Start gently and see what happens... 7) Reverse cowgirl just doesn't work for everybody. It's not my thing. 8) Tell me how good I feel... sigh... make a little noise. I don't need to hear you roaring like a T.Rex or anything, but don't be mute. It's unnerving. 9) Make me look at you... tell me to open my eyes. But don't stare like you're going to drill holes through my head. I sometimes get lost in my own little pleasure world and forget to look at you and watch what you're doing to me. Remind me. 10) Boobs can be sensitive at different times of the month... just know that and approach accordingly. I'll usually let you know ahead of time if I'm sore. Try to remember. 11) Don't forget about the neck and ears during sex. That's when I'm sometimes the most sensitive and it feels amazing having you that close. 12) Funny noises are going to happen... I might laugh out of minor embarassment and because it's just funny. It's okay, you can laugh too. I'm not laughing at you and I'm sorry if it feels that way. 13) Don't just jam anything into my ass all random-like. That should be self-evident, but apparently it's not. That's just not cool. 14) I don't get the finger-licking thing... especially when you just all up and stick your nasty fingers in my mouth. 15) Having sex when you're high is one of the best things ever. Just had to say that. 16) When you start to put your dick inside me for the first time, take that shit slow. Make me ache for it... put the head in slowly and leave it there for a second. Make me lift my hips up and beg for it. Know that at that point, you are in control and we like it. Or at least I do. I want you to understand how good it feels... relish the moment. 17) Tell me I'm beautiful and that you love my body at least once... This is especially effective when I'm in a weird position where my stomach looks fucking insane from my angle and who knows what it looks like to you. I work out. I'm pretty tight. I can kick some cardio ass. But damn, some positions just make me look crazy. 18) Nothing gets me hotter than getting a massage, lying on my stomach... and then having you lie down on top of me, putting your head into my neck and nuzzling my ear, gently but confidently wedging my legs apart with your knee and pressing your throbbing hard cock against my ass... I'm toast. 19) I think about sex just as much as you do, maybe more. I watch porn. I masturbate. I like to have sex... I'm careful and cautious and I have no problem asking you if you've ever been tested. If you say, "Yeah... a few years ago," I'm going to be disappointed. Don't be offended or pissy that I asked you that. I would expect you to ask me the same thing. If you don't ask me back, I think that's a little odd. On that note, if I ask you to check the condom once or twice during sex, just do it. I'm paranoid, but I'm also 31, never been pregnant, and never had an STD. So... 20) Don't leave a condom for me to find (or my cat... or my mom who volunteered to clean my house while waiting for me to come home from work one day). You're usually in charge of the disposal. Sigh... that felt good. <ul> <li> Location: Philly <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-07T23:22:02-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1363379397.html Observations on sex from a single woman - w4m text Pigeon seeks researcher for Skinnerian reconditioning http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/slo/1361953746.html Here's the deal: I'm a 23 year old girl trapped inside a relationship that ultimately amounts to the relationship between B.F. Skinner and one of his animal test subjects. No matter how much Skinner may care for his pigeon, a healthy relationship can never blossom from the current wreckage, and I need to break free from this box. You're probably wondering, if you know the relationship is so bad, and that he doesn't care about you enough to put forth the effort to make things work, why don't you just leave? The main dilemma lies here: I have been conditioned extremely well. Behavior conditioned by intermittent reinforcement is the most difficult and time consuming to extinguish. I've been in this box for about nine months with nothing to do but cultivate hopes and dreams. And there's this lever. It's gotta do something. Press... nothing. I thought it did something. Who puts a lever in a box that doesn't do anything? Better press it again, just to make sure. Neat! Indications of affection and consideration dropped into the box. I'm pressing that lever again if I get attention for it! What the hell? This worked a second ago. Press press press press press press press press press press press... DAMN IT! This is useless. I'll just press it like one more-oh hey, is that care and affection?! It's gotten to be quite difficult, you see. This is why I require reconditioning. Please email what leads you to believe that you are qualified to recondition me. Oh and please be prepared to utilize positive reinforcement, because I'm thinking I'm the sort of girl who derives pleasure from punishment. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-06T22:55:51-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/slo/1361953746.html Pigeon seeks researcher for Skinnerian reconditioning text I submit this brief in support of why we TOTALLY should get it on. - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/1361917175.html You & Me Doing It v. You & Me Not Doing It (2009) Using that IRAC method we've been learning about, a compelling brief on why we should hump each other’s brains out. FACTS: You’re in my class at law school. You are tall, dark and very masculine. I find you quite attractive and it’s really distracting. I find reasons to look in your direction during class and I blatantly stare at you whenever we pass by one another. You seem to be returning the looks but I can’t figure out if you’re eye-raping me back, or if it’s more of a “what the fuck is this girl staring at” kind of look. I’m not Megan Fox, but if I was a guy, I don't think I'd kick me out of bed, so I dare to hope it’s the former? Anyway, we’re expected to absorb class material sufficiently enough to one day pass the bar exam, and this is difficult when I’m more focused on what’s behind your zipper. It’s probably distracting to you as well for some chick to be gawking at you while you’re trying to cram massive amounts of information into your brain. (And I’m thinking about cramming appendages of yours into orifices of mine.) ISSUE: Should we have wild, crazy, meaningless animal sex? RULE: Distractions can be very detrimental to success in law school, and should be eliminated whenever possible. ANALYSIS: As detailed above in the facts, my desire to be plowed by you is a major distraction from my studies. It’s got to be a distraction to you as well since it’s probably unnerving to be stared at by a predatory sex-starved woman as if she wants to take a bite out of you. Per the above rule, this distraction to both of us needs to be eliminated for us to graduate from law school and pass the bar exam. Solution? We get it on! I get it out of my system. You not only get laid, but you get the added benefit of not feeling my eyes burning into the side of your head (or your crotch) all through class. We move happily along with our legal education unimpeded by the distraction of sexual tension. Afraid of possible disadvantages? I’ll address any potential concerns here. The quotes are you, and my response follows. “Will I catch any diseases?” Nope. Clean as a whistle. Just got out of a long-term relationship and have only been with one person for the past 3 years. Got tested anyway though, and all is well in My-Vagina Land. (Except for its burning desire to be filled with your throbbing manhood.) “Will you stalk me, or expect a relationship or commitment in return?” NO. You get free NSA sex. As mentioned above, I’m recently out of a long-term relationship. I’m not ready for another one nor do I have the time. “What if it’s really bad, and we end up having to awkwardly avoid one another in class for the next 4 years?” I don’t plan on it being bad, at least on my end. Hopefully our encounter (or encounters, if it was so crazy awesome we decided to make it an ongoing FB arrangement) would go as follows: We leave class after our respective long days of work and school, both cranky, irritable and in desperate need of blowing off some steam. We go to your place or mine, whichever is closer. Maybe we engage in various acts of foreplay, or maybe we’re both ready to get to the main attraction so fuck it. You look like you would be HUGE, but I will still bravely tackle that monster and try my best to deep throat the whole thing. You then throw me down on the bed, floor, or any available surface, and have your way with me. This would ideally involve some spanking, hair pulling, and/or explicit dirty talk. “What if a lot of women in the class stare at me, and I’m not sure which one you are? What if you’re one of the old or fat chicks, or really ugly?” I’m not going to describe my exact appearance because I will die of embarrassment if someone else in the class sees this and even speculates as to who I am. (Particularly a man I have dubbed Leery McPervert who stares at me the way I probably stare at you. I don’t want that dirty old man getting a boner knowing I’m all juiced up in class.) Yes I know I haven't even identified the law school, but I'm paranoid so bite me. (I mean that in the vernacular sense. But if you want to take it literally, I'd enjoy that too.) Anyway, I’m close to your age (twentysomething). When I look at myself I see “cute” but I get told I’m pretty, “beautiful” even. I’m not perfect, but I get hit on, catcalled and sexually harassed frequently enough to assume I must be at least somewhat doable. I even think I’ve seen you giving me a look or two. Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking. CONCLUSION: For both of us to succeed in law school and ultimately pass the bar exam (and for me to not end up on the Megan's Law website for losing all self-restraint, walking across the room in the middle of class, and mounting you), we will need to have sex ASAP. Sexual proposition affirmed. <ul> <li> Location: law school <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-06T21:52:30-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/1361917175.html I submit this brief in support of why we TOTALLY should get it on. - w4m text condoms and door knobs. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nor/1361868126.html I have 750 kiss of mint condoms that expired in 3/2004. I have 750 lubricated colored condoms that expired in 9/2006. They are no longer safe for pregnancy prevention but do have several other uses. They make great water balloons, safe sex educational tools, balloon animals etc... What you do with them is your business but I strongly advise that you do not use them for pregnancy prevention. They have been properly maintained in air conditioned and lighting controlled conditions. They should be ok for use but to be on the safe side I would not use them for sexual purposes. That being said if you want them let me know and we can arrange a pick up. I also have 11 door knobs. I recently replaced them and have no use for them now. If anyone has any use for either the condoms or the door knobs let me know. <ul> <li> Location: marrero <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-06T22:46:12-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nor/1361868126.html condoms and door knobs. text Carpe Garageium http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/flg/1360235981.html Carpe Garageium Seize the Garage. In the early stages of the excavation of Pompeii they unearthed a beautiful, well-preserved villa with a chariot parked outside a carriage house. Further excavation reveled that the carriage house was over full of bins of old clothes, broken pottery, urns missing their stopper and crates of cuneiform tablets documenting 20 years taxes paid to Caesar. Fast forward almost 2,000 years. Do you park your vehicle in your garage? Of course you don't. There's no room. It's in the DNA of peasants to hoard in case of a failed harvest. We fill our collective garages full to the ceiling with irreplaceable family heirlooms, priceless collectables and museum quality artifacts because we just might need them someday. But history has shown that the rare individuals that are the first to break a conditioned behavior end up prospering beyond measure. Guttenberg was just tired of the clutter. His press was initially designed to compress a lot of stuff into a smaller box. The Wright Brothers were just trying to get rid of some old bicycles in an expeditious manner when a stiff wind came along. Even Hewlett and Packard had to clean out the garage before they got to work. My God man, you just need some room to think! There could be a time machine or a cure for cancer just waiting for you to git that shit out your garage! You owe it to mankind. Clean out your garage and rent my Thorpe Park storage space today. Aztec at Santa Fe (<a target="_blank" href="http://maps.google.com/?q=loc%3A+Aztec+at+Santa+Fe+Flagstaff+AZ+US">google map</a>) (<a target="_blank" href="http://maps.yahoo.com/maps_result?addr=Aztec+at+Santa+Fe&csz=Flagstaff+AZ&country=US">yahoo map</a>) <ul> <li> Location: Thorpe Park <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-05T14:12:55-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/flg/1360235981.html Carpe Garageium text Behind you in line at DQ - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mfr/1359017762.html I was in line at the DQ on 6th getting mother's usual order of 3 hot dogs and onion rings. I was looking down at my Gameboy, not paying attention to the line when I felt the warm breeze hit my legs. I looked up from my Pokemon battle and there you were. 5'2, about 315 lbs. You had the remnants of your first two DQ orders stuck in your teeth, which were so gnarled, I could see them from the back. You were polishing off a Dilly Bar when the methane cloud rose to my nostrils, curling my nose hairs. It was an aroma that could only be produced by a goddess. As I felched it, I detected a hit of salmon as well as delicate notes of chili. Subtle overtones of movie theater style butter pop corn were soon overpowered by the second wave, which brought a strong scent and taste of corned beef and cabbage. (Mmmmmmm...) I could see the gas bubble trying to escape from your neoprene-esque tights, most of which were so far up your crack, I debated momentarily whether they were actually two pairs of pants, each housing one of your delightful cankles. The outline of your swollen, probably irritated pachyderm knuckle made me picture a furry cantaloupe split perfectly down the middle, complete with crateresque dimples. This image only further infuriated my raging erection. I struggled to contain my three inches until I eventually prematurely ejaculated. It might have been embarrassing had I not been wearing pajamas with the feet in them under my value brand khakis. I know you will probably never read this, as I heard you commenting to the store clerk that you could not read, and proceeded to order by pointing at pictures and grunting. But I had to share my story. I hope to see you again some day. And if by some chance someone reads this to you, please do not shave, I really liked your mustache. <ul> <li> Location: Grants Pass <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-04T16:50:07-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mfr/1359017762.html Behind you in line at DQ - m4w text Dear Eugene - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/eug/1357650137.html Dear Eugene, It took only a few months before I decided to fly to you. It was a chilly, rainy afternoon in October. The cab driver told me all about the Ducks. I made up a story about a long lost love I was reuniting with. A boy flew down the stairs and kissed me all over my face until I blushed. I whispered my lie into his ear and he spun around to confirm it and added his own twist. He paid the driver $12 with a glowing smile. Over the next year you watched us trade poor jokes at Flying Dog, read to each other on the bus, make out in the leaves, throw coins into violin cases. You laughed when the pizza boy interrupted us the first time we had sex. You fogged up the streets the night we dropped acid and walked three miles to eat pancakes. We left the windows open to hear your trains sing us to sleep. You snowed once, for me. And poured a hundred times for no one. I can still smell nag champa on my sleeves, taste your clean air, feel the Willamette rushing under me. Eugene, you had the most ravishing sunrise, the freest citizens and, might I add, the best transit on the west coast. You're the most handsome city I've ever had. And I swear I'll never love another one better. I miss you, Eugene. I miss him, too. Truly, The Saddest Girl on the Atlantic <ul> <li> Location: East Coast <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-03T20:18:51-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/eug/1357650137.html Dear Eugene - w4m text To the woman who rear ended me then... - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/1357533073.html You rear ended my VW with your Honda. You had no insurance, and said you "couldn't afford this" You asked if we could settle this with sex, then gave me a bj in my backseat in the middle of the day. I really wish I knew your name! I've been thinking about you ever since and I want to fuck you senseless RIGHT NOW <ul> <li> Location: M-59 and Dequindre <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-03T21:37:03-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/1357533073.html To the woman who rear ended me then... - m4w text Leduc Walmart Hottie - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/edm/1357508328.html You were a delicious BBW with a stained white t-shirt & a half a dozen kids in tow, I was sporting a skullet with a HD jean vest & short cut-offs. You offered me a dart from your fresh deck & I refused as I don't smoke menthols. I would love to reconsider that offer, and by the way that wasn't my old lady with me that was my parole officer. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-03T19:17:37-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/edm/1357508328.html Leduc Walmart Hottie - m4w text From an Old Woman to a Young Woman http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/1353695841.html 1. You are not a victim. No matter what happens to you, don't take the pussy route and blame the world for your misfortune. If you were sexually assaulted, verbally abused, etc and lived to tell about it; take your pain and help those who need it. Writing emo poetry isn't going to solve anything. 2. Invest in your education first, your looks second. Anyone can pay a plastic surgeon to look hot, but not everyone can read a book and do simple math. 3. No matter what you call it, having a 'man to take you shopping' is glorified prostitution. He wants you for your body, you want him for his wallet. Cut the crap and call it what it is. 4. Do not seek confidence in other people. Magazines, celebrities and most pop influences are there to make you feel like you're nothing. Don't buy into it. Those celebrities need your money to look fabulous. Invest in yourself, not hype. 5. Stop fueling gossip mongers [Perez Hilton, TMZ.]. They have nothing to talk about and if you follow them for long, neither will you. 6. Be modest; why have all your goods unwrapped and leave nothing for the imagination? 7. Know the difference between fucking and love. There is a major difference and if you don't know it, pick up a book or ask someone who does. 8. Do not have children just because you're lonely or insecure. Your child will end up hating you for it and you won't get the emotional blanket you hoped you'd get. 9. Get a job. Seriously. Just because you're a woman doesn't mean that you are excused from work. Find a trade, get a job. If you are a house wife, be a good one. If you are a career woman, put your heart into what you do. 10. A respectable companion is rarely at a 'bar' or da club'. These places are meat markets and will only set you up for a douchebag or a wimp. If you go, refer to rule 7. 11. Learn to cook. Cooking is a dying skill that needs not be. You'd be surprise how much weight you lose and how you can get a decent companion if you know more than picking up a phone and calling for dinner. 12. Get off your phone. If it's not your best friend, your job or your family, your cackling is not important and the rest of the world does not want to hear it. Listen more. Talk less. 13. Stop putting so much of your money into things [purses, shoes, make up] and start putting it into a savings account, a 401k or an IRA. Those shoes are not going to vest when you turn 65. 14. Stop using men to get you stuff. Have some self respect and buy your own drinks, meals and entertainment. A date will respect you more if you show them you are not helpless. 15. Perfume and baby powder does not make up for good hygiene. Shower, do your laundry, clean your place. Body odor is not excusable for either genders. 16. If you are a Lesbian, respect yourself and stop trying to find acceptance in the world. 9/10 they will not accept you. Tell them 'fuck you' and be your own woman. 17. If you are a Lesbian, you are not anymore special or important than anyone else. You love other women and you have that right, but do not flex your preference thinking it makes you unique. Your mind and experiences make you unique, either gay or straight. 18. Buy clothes that fit. Be tasteful with your clothing be you big or small. 19. Don't eat for comfort, vomit to make yourself beautiful, and starve yourself to feel loved. Exercise, be sensible with your food choices, don't deprive yourself but never eat too much. The quickest way to a size 30, and to the grave, is past your teeth. 20. If they say the love you, ask them to earn your heart through good deeds, genuine kindness and respect. 21. Romance is not dead; but if you're not willing to give it, don't expect it in return. 22. Stop being a bitch to other women and other people. If you are not happy, go get therapy. No one deserves to be berated because you don't have the guts to berate yourself. 23. Do something new every day. Pole dance to learn about your sensuality, paint to express your creativity, write a blog to express your soul. Evolve and never stop learning. 24. Look in the mirror everyday and smile at what you see. 25. Stay safe. Learn to defend yourself against one or multiple attackers. Jackals do not attack if they see a big stick. If all else fails, run. There is no shame in running if it keeps you safe. 26. Love yourself. Always. When you love yourself to the fullest, the world will open with opportunities <ul> <li> Location: LAX <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-01T13:22:16-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/1353695841.html From an Old Woman to a Young Woman text Harley rider pre-ride check off list http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1353199509.html Harley rider pre-ride check off list: 1. Comb baseball player goatee and mustache 2. Spend 6- hours polishing gaudy chrome pieces. Be sure people can read the “Live to ride—ride to live” statement on gas tank lid. 3. Assure suspension can handle at least 560 pounds of rider 4. Pack cell phone and have tow service numbers programmed. 5. Look in mirror and perfect the “I’m a bad ass motherfucker” harley riding scowl. 6. Affix tassels from daughters bicycle to handle bars for added gay appearance. 7. Test flashers for when bike breaks down (99% probability) 8. Put on your wrist brace to help carpal tunnel from all of the unnecessary revving 9. Leather pants 10. Gloves 11. Wrap around sunglasses 12. Skull cap (German soldier type for the real badasses). Remember to think about the SAFETY aspect/argument of loud pipes as putting that potato chip on head. The real tough guys here will wear a bandana over their face (some with a skull) to look really scary----ooooh! 13. CAT work boots (new) 14. Leather vest with some “chapter” like: North chapter of pig fucking obese attention whore douche bags with fat ugly loud mouth wives. 15. HD t-shirt (of course). Because everyone needs to know what shop you paid $40 for a $5 hanes shirt at. 16. Remove baffles from pipes so EVERYONE can hear you going 18mph in 2nd gear at redline. Note: Most HD break down before hitting 2nd gear. 17. Starbucks gift card: This is usually your hangout--------------how tough. 18. Call friends with similar ridiculous motorcycle (WW2 outdated technology garbage) and pathetic store bought image (gay pirate from the Castro) attire. Have them ATTEMPT to meet you at the starbucks without breaking down or crashing due to being distracted from looking at themselves in their chrome. 19. Five packs of Marlboro reds to smoke while riding to look extra cool 20. Slam a 6 pack of Zima prior to ride. 21. Saddle bags attached to pick up and store broken parts that fall off bike as you ride/push (if you can call it riding without laughing) that hunk of shit down the road. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-01T09:06:02-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1353199509.html Harley rider pre-ride check off list text Buffed Tank LFG(irl) - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/okc/1352816834.html Hi, my name is Benjamin. I am 22 years old. I don't want to brag, but I am without a doubt the best paladin tank on Madoran. I'm the Chancellor of the guild Utter Darkness (NOT udder). As Chancellor of Utter Darkness (NOT udder) I distribute justice, manage recruiting, schedule assaults on the horde (For the Alliance!!!), and plan all raids. We have accomplished multiple server firsts, most of which you have already heard about, and now that I conquered WoW, I'm on a burning crusade to accomplish my first with a lucky Azn lady. I live in an underground apartment with an elderly couple. I have to assist them in day to day living by taking out the trash and doing the dishes. It's possible that we will have to schedule our encounter around their sleeping habits. To pay for my WoW expenses, I am an inventory management specialist at a large local retailer, but, I'm working on writing lore for Blizzard Entertainment and I'm sure my fanfiction will get me in. (I drew my profile picture too). I'm looking for...Azns...kinda like the girl from Kill Bill - the one that was azn and wielded the sweet deadly yo-yo morning star. I would also be interested in any girl that looks, or sounds, like an azn...or Lucy Liu. If you are looking for more information about me contact me in World of Warcraft (Atlys) or send me an email. <ul> <li> Location: Oklahoma City <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-01T05:22:48-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/okc/1352816834.html Buffed Tank LFG(irl) - m4w text Wanted: Non-exclusive long distance relationship http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/1352367890.html Me: Charming, articulate and intelligent. You: A good baker, likes to take care of her man with frequent care packages. I am the only guy on craigslist who is not looking for sex or female companionship. Those I can get. There is however one thing missing in my life of late. Ever since breaking up with my long distance girlfriend, the amount of unsolicited baked goods arriving in my mailbox has dropped precipitously. Given my relative lack of baking skills and my propensity to avoid paying for food, I figured the most rational solution was to find another long distance girlfriend who enjoys surprising her man with frequent care packages (chocolate chip cookies and rice krispies treats are by far the best). The exchange is simple. You provide regular care package service and in return I provide emotional support, validation and the occasional, "You're right! They *are* just jealous!" I'll be the boyfriend that Disney's soulless corporate machine has convinced you you want. Your parents will be happy you finally found someone, your friends and coworkers will be jealous that you have a guy who doesn't routinely try to slip it in the "oops hole," and your stalkers (should you have any) will shake their fists in impotent rage. As long as you're not hung up on tangibility, it's a relationship with everything you could want or need. Fatties, uggos and the horribly disfigured are encouraged to apply! I don't care what you look like because I'll never see what you look like. Tell me you're the most beautiful woman in the world if it makes you feel better, just don't send pictures. Exclusivity is not part of the deal. I intend to date other women during our association and it would be hypocritical of me to deny you the same freedom. Go out clubbing every Saturday night and sleep with a different guy each time if you like, just remember to get the cookies in the mail by 5:00 because the post office isn't open on Sundays. I have no allergies, so feel free to extend your experimentation to recipes and ingredients as well. I live in Los Angeles but am posting this in Dallas because it's close enough to keep shipping charges down but far enough away that you'll never be tempted to track me down in real life. Also, going by the maxim "everything is bigger in Texas" I'm hoping there will be enough baked goods to share with friends. Good luck and I hope to hear from you lovely ladies soon! <ul> <li> Location: Los Angeles <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-31T19:22:53-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/1352367890.html Wanted: Non-exclusive long distance relationship text a cartoon for all the girls i see everyday - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/1351001550.html <img src="http://www.thingofthings.net/drawings/craigslist1.jpg"></img> <img src="http://www.thingofthings.net/drawings/craigslist2.jpg"></img> <img src="http://www.thingofthings.net/drawings/craigslist3.jpg"></img> cartoons are my catharsis. if you spam me i will find you and kill you, by the way. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-31T02:32:08-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/1351001550.html a cartoon for all the girls i see everyday - m4w text I still miss her. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1349632220.html The time was fall of 2007. I am walking with someone who is very dear to me. Someone I adore deeply. She is a woman my age. Where we are walking is a heavily forested area that is all her land. It is remote and far away from everythingin north central Minnesota. . There is only one road through here. The forest on her land is broken by two hay fields, two horse pastures, half a dozen natural clearings, and a house and barn. There are 15 horses here, a couple tractors, assorted haying machinery, horse trailers, and the like. She looks after it all. This is hardly a good day for a walk however. In the early morning the sky did not become light until well after it should have due to a very solid, dark and heavy overcast. It’s not raining, but there’s a heavy mist coming down. We are walking on a tractor trail that connects the house and barn with the fields and some of the clearings. Often there is evidence of the activities of bears and wolves in the open areas. The horses are kept close to the house, and that is where the main pastures are as well. The wild animals stay away from that area other than an occasional sighting when they approach for a look out of curiosity. When ever she comes back this far on her land though, she carries a rifle. But today I am carrying it, slung over my shoulder. This walk in less than ideal conditions is a necessary one. She talks about what this land means to her. She loves it. She knows every tree here. The fences that frame this huge tract of land, she put up by herself. She does the haying, training and feeding the horses, and works on the machinery or anything that needs fixing. There is always a lot to do here. Yet this woman next to me is just five feet tall, and has never weighed more than 120 pounds in her life. But she is a tough little stick of dynamite. She knows what work is, and often starts her day at 5:00 a.m. no matter what the weather brings. She has auburn colored hair - fairly long. I often thought that a woman so outdoor active would prefer shorter hair. But she keeps it long and I’m glad, because it’s very pretty. I adore her smile. When she smiles, her eyes smile. Her feminine figure is evident in her blue jeans, tapered shirt, and a waist length denim jacket to help ward off the mist. She is beautiful. I have studied her figure every chance I get for two years now. I find her intriguing. And still, after two years when we create our private and intimate time to come together and she stands before me, I still tremble. She wears leather work gloves now, since she had been feeding the horses earlier. Her jeans are worn and faded from long hours of mending fences, and cleaning stalls. Her denim jacket is worn as well, and the cuffs are becoming frayed. Our boots are soaked from walking in the wet tall grass. After she has talked and made clear her need for this place and what she does here, I take control of the conversation. I too love the place where I live, my town near the Metro. And my work is my life. I could never do anything else. I am a locomotive Engineer. I feel good while I am at work doing what I do. And when I get home, I feel good about what I have done. The problem that faces us is that our lives are 230 miles apart. I have been seeing her for two years. When ever any time at all permits, I drive up to northern Minnesota to be with her. Sometimes I can stay two or three days. Sometimes it’s only for 12 hours. But I am neglecting my own home, and the obligations that come with it. I have had experience with horses and I appreciate anything mechanical. I help her with all the tasks around this place. But most of all, I cherish the time I have in her presence. But it is apparent that the physical gap, in miles, that separates us can never be closed. She has to stay where she is, and I have to stay where I am. The impracticality of our deep affection for each other is surfacing with time, after having been ignored for so long. This conclusion wasn’t arrived at today. It is something we have been discussing for a couple months. The fixes for the problem simply won’t work. And this reality is boldly before us. After we each take our turns speaking, there is silence as we walk. I take her gloved hand in my hand to silently confirm with her she is still in my heart. We pass patches of wild strawberries and blueberries. I know she is thinking she must get back out here and pick them for canning before the bears take them all. It’s part of her ritual. I understand it’s part of the fulfillment she cherishes by living here. We are getting closer to the barn now, and beyond that is where my truck is parked. The best route from the barn to my truck is to follow a fence line through the trees. We walk into the barn and I dry off the rifle with a dirty towel on a work bench. I put the rifle where it belongs - concealed behind a wooden plank. Just above us in the rafters, is an owl. He has long since become accustomed to the daytime activities in the barn, and is fast asleep. The dreary day has made the light in the barn very dim. Usually, on a sunny day, the barn is a very bright and welcoming. But not today. The mist has given way to a steady rain now. The shoulders and sleeves of her jacket are already quite wet from the long walk in the mist. And my clothes are wet too. We talk some more in the barn. We are old enough and smart enough to realize that if either one of us sacrificed a part of his or her world to be with the other all the time, it wouldn’t work out. Sacrifice would turn into regret, and regret is an anchor on a vessel that must keep moving forward. So it is now that we fully understand we must let go. We leave the barn through the opposite door we came in, towards my truck. We walk along the fence line to the opposite side of the trees. We stop here. My truck is just one hundred yards away. We turn towards each other and I place my hands on her waist. She takes off her leather gloves and lets them drop to the ground as she puts her hands on my waist as well. We confirm that we will miss each other very much. I am looking intently at her pretty face. We only talk a little bit out here because we are getting rain soaked. “I could never leave here.” She tells me. “I could never live near the Metro area and all the congestion. And I know you could never give up being an Engineer and leave the rails." “You are really good with the horses….”she continues, “and good with the machines too. You know what needs to be done, and when to do it. Both with this land….” Then with a smile and a quiet voice says, “and with me too.” She is looking up at me. As the rain falls on her face, her eyes don’t even flinch. This woman has stood outside in much worse weather than this. I leaned down and kissed her mouth. I knew that would be our last kiss, and I expected her to let go of me at that moment, but she didn’t. Instead she shook me slightly, as if she didn’t already have my complete attention. “You know what I wish? What I really, really wish? I wish you and I had connected 20 years ago, instead of just two. 20 years ago we didn’t have such deep set roots in our lives, we were more flexible, and together we could have grown in to who we are now…….. because you and I make one hell of a good team.” She pressed her lips together to help hold back the tears. With that, she let go of me, and I her. She picked up her gloves off the ground and began walking the fence line back through the trees. I watched her as she walked away. I lost focus for a moment as I realized that I had a lot of thoughts and painful emotions to analyze over the coming days. When I looked for her again, she was gone. Instinctively, I took a couple steps toward the fence line. But caught myself and stopped. Out of necessity, we had given up something very precious. We made a painful decision based on reality and practicality. And now I am a man who had lost true love. Just standing in the rain. <ul> <li> Location: Metro Area <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-30T06:52:28-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1349632220.html I still miss her. text Craigslist w4m definitions and meanings http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1349245033.html W4M "Baggage" - I can't deal with actual human beings "Curvy" - fat "Drama free" - I'm still bitter and involved with the last guy who got me pregnant "Love to laugh" - I am a boring as hell so hopefully you can make it entertaining "Looking..." - spam "Must love..." - spam "Partner in crime" - I'm as clever and interesting as a brick "Seeking..." - spam "Sensual" - fat "Something real" - spam "Treat me..." - fat black woman with a highly undeserved sense of entitlement No picture - fat Picture of sunset, flower, cocktail, eyes - fat Three or four sentence post of superficial crap with picture of cute or hot woman - spam "Not looking for sex" - I'll blow you Five paragraphs long post - I'm fucking insane M4W "see what happens" - I'm hoping for at least a fingerbang "down to earth" - boring "sincere" - needy "romantic" - needy "drama-free" - I need a vagina that won't bother me after I'm done with it No picture - I resemble a creature from Middle-earth Picture of anything else other than a person - I will give you an STD "Love to eat pussy" - Don't really know which part the pee or the baby comes out of "spoil you" - I hope you're into watersports "lets chat" - My other hand is on my erection "love [music, movies, tv]" - I'm a cultural retard "experienced" - one or two date rape convictions <ul> <li> Location: River North <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-29T19:12:07-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1349245033.html Craigslist w4m definitions and meanings text First posted a month ago? Still no roommate? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1348435558.html Many of you posted your first ads on here a couple of weeks ago, a month ago, or even longer ago than that. And you're still posting. Are you wondering why you still don't have a roommate? Read on. 1) Great Fort Greene apartment? If all of you who claim your apartments are in Fort Greene or Clinton Hill really lived in Fort Greene or Clinton Hill, Fort Greene and Clinton Hill combined would be the size of Wyoming. There's nothing wrong with Bed-Stuy, but when you lie about the fact that you live there, you make it seem like there is. If your nearest stop on the G is Bedford-Nostrand, you do NOT live in Clinton Hill or Fort Greene. So stop lying! 2) 15 minutes to Manhattan? This is one of my favorites. All of you in the nether regions of Bushwick claiming to be 15 minutes from Manhattan have been inhaling those industrial fumes for too long. Um, maybe if you live in the station agent booth, and your final destination is the station agent booth on the other end, and the train arrives four seconds after you pass through the turnstile, and the train skips a few stops en route, maybe it'll be close to 15 minutes. Even according to the MTA's L train schedule, from Myrtle Ave to First Ave is 15 minutes, but you're saying you live close to Halsey or Wilson. What gives? What is the usual commute, given the walk to the train, the wait for the train, frequent changes in service, trains often being held before being allowed to proceed, and so on and so forth? 3) You must be neat and clean? HA HA HA. Before you demand a "neat and clean" roommate, take a look in the mirror. If I had a dollar for every apartment I've seen with a grease-covered stove, hair decorating every surface in the bathroom, and dead plants lining the window sills, I'd have close to a month's rent. 4) Please email for pictures? Don't be lame. This process is laborious enough on both ends. Don't add time-wasting steps. Some of you claim you couldn't take pictures because the room was still occupied. So? Is it barricaded? The outgoing roomie refused to let you in? Please. My favorite was the post from "two photographers" - THEY had no pics in their ad. Put pics in your ad. 5) You think I don't know what a subway entrance looks like? OK, many of you did include pics, but WTF? A pic of the stairs leading down to the train? How does THAT help? If craigslist allows four pics, here's the deal: the available bedroom, the kitchen, the bathroom, the living room. Simple. (And not thumbnails, unless they're clickable.) 6) Rite Aid, Starbucks, Duane Reade, Dunkin Donuts...? What is with the rundown on local chain stores? When you don't even describe the basics of the living situation? We're living in New York. The chains are available almost everywhere. Plus, if you don't lie about the location of your place (See number 1), we can find out easily enough which stores are nearby. What we CAN'T find out on our own is the following: How many people live in the apartment? What is the size of the available bedroom (not as in "big" or "medium" - but actual measurements)? 7) Is punctuation a big bore? Accurate spelling just for nerds? OK, so you're not being graded on your ad by your Freshman Comp instructor. But give the poor reader a break. On a typical day there are hundreds of new posts to slog through. A few well-placed commas and periods can make the process so much smoother. And what is the deal with all the "quite apartments"? Quite what? Quite clean, quite stylish, quite far from the nearest coffee shop? Quite quiet? Please. Have a great day. <ul> <li> Location: Here's why... <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-29T11:41:15-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1348435558.html First posted a month ago? Still no roommate? text seeking menstruating short-term friend - w4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1347840902.html Hi there. I am looking for a friend one who is currently or will soon be on her period. Mine is two weeks late and, while I know I'm not pregnant, I would like to kick-start mine to get back on my normal, lovely schedule. I would prefer it if you have a history of being dominant in these matters (i.e. do you have a history of setting other women's cycles?) so the chances are maximized. Must be willing to spend lots of time in a somewhat small space with me (we can watch cheesy romantic comedies in my walk in closet. or... maybe the living room) so the pheromones (that is the leading theory for why this works, right?) are sure to, uh, transfer (or whatever they do). And if you happen to know a bunch of other women who're also menstruatin', bring them too. And I know it's hot, so I'm offering to provide as much haagen dazs as it takes to make it through the heat. <ul> <li> Location: pacific beach <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-28T19:00:25-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1347840902.html seeking menstruating short-term friend - w4w text Bong Operations Engineer http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1347513476.html Certified bong polisher and operations engineer. Twelve years experience with water-based pipes and clogged tubes, Ruby-on-Rails, resin, Apache Bong server, Vaporizer, and Java. Previous job experience: 2005 - 2009 Couch Warmer Sat on friends couch and surfed the Internet on my laptop. DUTIES: polished bongs washed dishes edited Wikipedia Played Team Fortress 2 refilled bongs built multi-national corporation from scratch, overnight, then dissolved it when patent lawsuit arrived from East Texas. 2000 - 2005 Hobo 1999 - 2000 CEO GreatEntertainmentPlaceToBuyEntertaining.com Owner, founder, marketing chief for startup Web site DUTIES: Smoked lots of bongloads Raised $25 million from Dirt Hill Raised Series B of $560 million from Koal Slaw Ventures 1993 - 1999 Boot Black SF Market Street DUTIES Polished boots Seeking bongification ADO, .net C# C++ Java Java Java Java Java Java ruby java python perl bong java perl {LISP} haskell erlang amazon web services cloud sysadmin bonging donging bond HVAC HPVC <ul> <li>it's ok to contact this poster if you are a potential employer or other principal <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job seeker. <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-28T15:00:13-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1347513476.html Bong Operations Engineer text Keep Cock Teasing http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/1346989617.html To My Fellow Co Worker With the 36 C's and Fine Body: Thanks for the constant cock tease. I really do enjoy the extremes you go to show off your smoking hot bod, e.g. the see through blouses, painted on pants, thongs, shirts that are super low cut to the navel, mini skirts, (last week I saw you skipped the panties . . . . Thanks and nice trim job by the way), braless days, the hole nine yards. Yet it's time to stop the double standard. As I explained to management, for every action there is a reaction. It's a physical law. Allow me to explain: Ater witnessing you parade around the office all day, stopping to pose across my desk to chat with your female colleague whilst you bend over to display an ass that I would crawl a thousand miles to rim, don't be surprised and pissed off and run to the boss to tattle on me. It's only natural that I have become . . . . well, engorged. And in my state of turgid arousal, I remain where I am, at my desk, trying to hide a throbbing member who's need to plunge itself deep into every orifice of your body, cannot be so easily hidden or controlled. I am a man. I like to fuck women. I especially like to fuck pretty women. Yet off you go to the boss to complain about my boner. A boner you only witnessed when you made it a point to come over to my desk, show off those lovely fun bags (it was a bra less day), and make an effort to ensure that I notice your Playboy-esque bod. You don't see us guys walking around the office showing off our wood, do you? I don't prance in and announce to all within ear shot, "Gee, Bob. These new briefs really accentuate the length and girth of my now steel like cock" or "I'm not sure, but I don't think these slacks make my dick look big, what do you think Ted?". To do so would be, well, let's just say "inappropriate". Yet, you feel compelled to do just that after having made your latest purchase from Victoria Secret. You got the reaction from me you so desperately wanted. Yet, Management gets it. They understand what you're doing and why. You'll do anything for attention. Your boss asked me if I thought you had been hugged enough by your Dad. <ul> <li> Location: Eastside <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-28T13:24:39-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/1346989617.html Keep Cock Teasing text you gave me a bj at the buckethead show tonight - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1346355019.html i was rocking out to buckethead, i noticed you were too. you got to grinding on me, seemed out of place, but then we went out and started making out and one thing lead to another... afterwords you gave me your number but then asked "so whats your moms name?" "excuse me?" "your Moms name" at this point i had already deleted you from my phonebook because i realized that you were fucking weird, but in a good way, i'm pretty sure you were high. Me:that dude that had his penis in your mouth You:crazy cute hippy chick with cool hat and hair that smelled like cinnamon rolls. i wouldn't say this is a missed connection so much as a confusing encounter. i didn't get your name and don't have your number anymore so hit me up sometime mmkay? btw, i thought you were super cute the way you looked kind of shocked/in awe/scared when you saw "me". i know, its an impressive piece of work, not to be cocky (pun intended). <ul> <li> Location: Denver <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-28T01:00:33-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1346355019.html you gave me a bj at the buckethead show tonight - m4w text Imaginary Friend for LIFE! - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/spk/1345338884.html So I not get much play lately. Try meet ladies in bar but no so good. See a piece of whistle bait and Bigfoot make move, me pretty smoove. Go to jukebox, put on Whitesnake nod along to 'here I go again on me own', Check fly, check mouth stink, order two white russians and saunter over. I say: 'hello, this seat take?" Most time lady just run, scream, sometime pepperspray. Worst is when they do silent scream and vomit trickle down chin like hot fudge on sundae. How a guy supposed recover from that? Onetime girl friendly let Bigfoot sit. I figure things good to go so I mark her with musk so other suitor know "Stay Away, She Bigfoot!" NO GOOD! She allergic to Bigfoot stink and go into anaphalaxis. Now me on to web personals, Bigfoot write clever. SEX: ALPHA MALE, JR. SILVERBACK ETHNICITY: BIGFOOT/NATIVE AMERICAN LOCATION: NEXT TO CRANBERRY BUSH AND STUMP EDUCATION: DEVRY LOOKING FOR: HOT SHEFOOT OCCUPATION: FOREST GENTLEMAN HEIGHT: 7'1" WEIGHT: LOTS EYES: SMALL HAIR: MATTED, BROWN, GREEN MARIGOLD RELATIONSHIP STATUS: SAD AND LONELY WANT CHILDREN: SMALL LITTER ACTIVITIES: JAZZERSCIZE, T-BALL, DISEMBOWELING, TAXIDERMY, RUNNING FROM CAMERAS, FILTH HOARDING, CHILLIN', CRYING SELF TO SLEEP CELEBRITY I MOST RESEMBLE: GOD DAMN CHEWBACCA, MALCOLM JAMAL WARNER, MESELF, COUSIN IT FROM ADDAMS FAMILY IF YOU COULD BE ANYWHERE RIGHT NOW: DOLLY PARTON'S UTERUS, ON A BEACH IN THAILAND READING SARTRE SO ME CAN BE DIPSHIT STEREOTYPE HIPSTER LIKE EVERYONE ELSE ON HERE. AT SIX FLAGS EATING FIVE CORN DOGS BY FOUR PORT-A-JOHNS AT THREE IN THE AFTERNOON ON SECOND DAY OF JANUARY. MOST HUMBLING MOMENT: ONETIME I WALKING DOWN RED CARPET AT FOREST CREATURE AWARDS AND I STEP IN DOG DOO. IF THAT NOT BAD ENOUGH SOME REPORTER THINK HE FUNNY AND SAY, "YOU REALLY PUT YOUR BIGFOOT IN IT NOW BIGFOOT!" SO I DO WHAT SEEM LIKE RIGHT THING AT TIME AND TEAR HIM HEAD OFF AND USE TO CLEAN FOOT. THEN I REMEMBER I NOMINATED FOR GOOD CITIZEN AWARD FOR ME GOOD WORK WITH KID WHAT WEAR HOCKEY HELMET ALL TIME. WHAT A PICKLE, WHAT A PICKLE. WHY YOU SHOULD GET TO KNOW ME: HEY I LIKE EASY GOING GUY, KNOW HOW TO HAVE A GOOD TIME BUT CAN ALSO BE SEXY AS ALL GET OUT. GIVE GOOD BACK RUBS, SOMETIME MIGHT CRACK RIB BUT NOTHING THAT BOTTLE OF CHAMPALE IN BUBBLE BATH NO FIX. I PRETTY CLEAN GUY TOO, FAMILY OF VOLES IN ARMPIT TAKE CARE OF BIGFOOT LICE, EARWIG, SILVERFISH, DUNG BEETLE, NITS, GNATS, EARTHWORM, TAPE WORM, GARTER SNAKE, WASP NESTS, ANT COLONY, TERMITE MOUND, CRABS, SCABS, SCABIES, SHINGLES, FOOT BITS, SHIT BITS, DINGLEBERRIES, PINK EYE, GREEN EYE AND SO ON. I SMELL LIKE COMPOST BUT COMPOST SMELL LIKE FALL AND FALL VERY NICE WITH PRETTY LEAVES AND PUNKIN' PIE SO YOU JUST VISUALIZE THAT AS YOU DRY HEAVE AND EVERYTHING BE OK. <ul> <li> Location: PacNorth Woods <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-27T11:17:33-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/spk/1345338884.html Imaginary Friend for LIFE! - m4w text Gov. Schwarzenegger's Great California Garage Sale (8/28 &amp; 8/29) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/1344528386.html Governor Schwarzenegger is reducing the state’s fleet and clearing out our surplus property in the Great California Garage Sale! Bring the whole family to the Department of General Services’ surplus warehouse in North Sacramento (Natomas) for great deals, food and entertainment at what the local media has dubbed the “mother of all garage sales!” When: Friday, August 28 (8 a.m. to 6 p.m.) and Saturday, August 29, 2009 (7 a.m. to 12 p.m.) CAR PREVIEW: Thursday, August 27 (8 a.m. to 4 p.m.) Location: 1700 National Drive, Sacramento, CA Items include: cars, California Highway Patrol seized property, computers, phones, cameras, jewelry, laptops, electronics, furniture, office supplies and unique items like a surfboard, bicycles, Kings memorabilia, pianos and much, MUCH more! For more information, including a list of items and photos visit our Great California Garage Sale Web site at: <a href="http://www.dgs.ca.gov/GarageSale.">http://www.dgs.ca.gov/GarageSale.</a> We also have some presale items listed this week on Craigslist at the following links: ThinkPad: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/sys/1332094534.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/sys/1332094534.html</a> Computer: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/gms/1331999459.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/gms/1331999459.html</a> Dell Laptop: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/sys/1332121694.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/sys/1332121694.html</a> HP laptop: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/sys/1332129535.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/sys/1332129535.html</a> Sprint Trio: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/mob/1332091490.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/mob/1332091490.html</a> 10 Wood Desks: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bfs/1332140350.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bfs/1332140350.html</a> 7 coat racks: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bfs/1332164429.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bfs/1332164429.html</a> 10 office chairs: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bfs/1332173341.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bfs/1332173341.html</a> 8 Stackable Chairs: <a href="http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bfs/1332151669.html">http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bfs/1332151669.html</a> Look for us on eBay too! Profile Great-CA-Garage-Sale NO RETURNS, EXCHANGES, or GUARANTEES – NO EXCEPTIONS!!!! More information: www.dgs.ca.gov/GarageSale <ul> <li> Location: 1700 National DriveSacramento <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-26T21:49:26-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/1344528386.html Gov. Schwarzenegger's Great California Garage Sale (8/28 &amp; 8/29) text Are you thinking about having kids? Teenager Kit!!! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1344489044.html Are you thinking about having kids? Don’t want to go through nine months of agony just to have to go through it all over again if you want more than one kid. Well my friends, not only can I save you eighteen months of waiting, I can save years of diapers and unwanted stretch marks. For a limited time only, you can rent my teenagers buy one get one free for only $19.95. Tired of your remote always being where you left it? Too much money in your wallet? Something not being broken and put back as if nothing even happened? Be the envy of all your friends with the only couch in the neighborhood to smell like Chinese food and dirty socks. Get rid of that needy feeling you had when your dog got hit by a car and had to be put down. With my “Teenager’s Kit” every day can be like a mystery. Will they come out of their room? Can the girl get off the phone in less than five hours? Will we go over our nine-hundred minutes on our cell phone plan? Kids are old enough to work, but alas have no time. You must be able to pay for them to do whatever they want and their friends want or you are a bad parent. Female teen is late four to five days out of the week and her school is halfway across town depending on where you live. This is largely due to hair and make-up not going on right and gets angry if you don’t stop at Starbucks and drive fast enough. Games that are also fun, “I need a ride and by the way can we pick up my friend’s too?” Followed by the classic and also my favorite, “My friends have no ride home because…” You can play these games with the female teen all month long.*Caution: Female “Incredible Hulk Game” is good only seven days out of the month. Watch as her eyes become greener and her clothing becomes tighter. *WARNING* do not, I repeat do not comment on the tight clothing; the female teen will become angry. And you won’t like her when she’s angry!!! Male teen can entertain for hours with games when you clean his room or look for missing dishes. I like to name these games; “Find that dish,” “There’s a fungus amongus,” and even get the friends and family over to play “What’s that smell?” You may even have to guess if the boy is even home which is why I love the game, “Will the boy wake up before five pm after playing W.O.W. on the computer all night?” Another game to enjoy is deep thoughts by male teen including, “I should not have to do this because…” and best of all “I don’t have time to do this or I didn’t have time to do that because…”. Do not anger the male teen by disagreeing, you may hear words that your mother would wash your mouth out with soap for. Let’s not forget the mystical food fairy that comes during the night and leaves dishes and food all over the counters. If you have a pet, such as a dog or cat, don’t worry they will help you clean such items by eating them and leaving wrappers on the floor. So, if this is for you pull out the keys to the Mini-Van and empty the 401-K. (No-refunds, perverts, void where prohibited.) Thanks, [Deleted] A.K.A. Mom Slave Please respond to tearingmyhairout@[deleted] <ul> <li> Location: Clark County <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-26T21:04:18-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1344489044.html Are you thinking about having kids? Teenager Kit!!! text Someone Didn't Steal My Bike! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/1343713640.html I was rolling around downtown after the Tuesday Nite Bike Ride, when i spotted an open door backstage at the Rialto, out from which floated the musical stylings of none other than George Clinton and the Parliament Funkadelic. And large clouds of pot smoke. So, I did what any rational person would do. I dropped my bike then and there, and went right in. I found myself rocking out just inches from P-Funk and the Big Man himself. Holy Holy God, i took a ride on the Mothership! I got to puff on some friendly, see the crowd, and get my mind blown. For free! After an hour and a half of wicked progressive jammin', I thought I should peek out the door to see if my bike was still laying there: naw, it wasn't. I didn't even care, the experience was priceless! After they finally wrapped up, I found some friends and asked them to walk around the building with me~ I was getting this strong feeling that my bike was not stolen: low and behold, some kind soul had picked up my poor abandoned mountain bike, and carefully leaned it against the dumpster right by the door!!! I LOVE YOU TUCSON!! THANKS TO THE BIKE UN-STEALER! YAY!!!!!!!! <ul> <li> Location: Rialto Theater <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-26T12:43:28-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/1343713640.html Someone Didn't Steal My Bike! text Dog Park Jitters - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/vpi/1342685890.html I often find myself reading these missed connections and feel sorry for people who lack the nerve to go up and talk to that special person, but tonight I’m finding myself in exactly that same situation. Please don’t feel sorry for me. I’m actually doing pretty well on my own again since the breakup (that’s a long story, and it’s not really pertinent to this connection anyways). But there is just something about you that makes me feel like a jittery, awkward schoolboy getting ready to take the longshot and ask a crush to the Christmas Dance. So anyway I’ve been seeing you at the dog park on and off again all summer. I bring my dog Petey so he can be off-lead and hopefully learn some social skills. He’s an old, mangey-looking Schnauzer mix who pre-dated my last relationship, that’s the only reason I got to keep him after she left. That and she never really liked him anyway. I’m not sure what your dog’s name is, but she looks like a white poodle mix. She has long-ish hair, but not in the typical poodle cut. Anyway, she’s a beautiful dog and apparently Petey thinks so too, because every time he sees her he starts humping her until I put him back on his leash and drag him away. Of course he’s been fixed, but that doesn’t seem to stop him. He’ll hump her sideways, then turn around and hump her face for awhile and then finally get behind her and hump her doggy-style. It’s really embarrassing, and perhaps that’s why I find myself too nervous to actually approach you. He’s been a little bit willful his whole life. I swear, sometimes I just wish he’d get doggie cancer and move on. He’s 16, his face and beard are streaked with yellow stains running from the corners of his eyes and down his chin. He growls all the time, bites children, family members, he even bites me if I get between him and his dinner. It’s a good thing he’s so scruffy, ugly and warty that people don’t want to pet him. If they did I’d constantly be worried about lawsuits. Sometimes I think he does things like this intentionally. Just to get between me and true happiness and closure. Anyway. If you read this please feel free to drop me a line. I’m the one who’s dog is humping your dog. <ul> <li> Location: Blacksburg <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-26T00:11:09-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/vpi/1342685890.html Dog Park Jitters - m4w text I LOST PANCAKES :-( http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/rno/1342172062.html I was floating down the river on my tube, and Pancakes was right next to me. He is a small, 13 legged centipede who loves taco sauce, hardy partying, and never forgets to take his gummy vitamins. I looked back and he was gone, floating away. . . SCREAMING. No one knew what to do. He is a very good floater, probably because of all the gummi vitamins he takes. He never eats McDonalds when I do either. If you find him could you please e-mail me immediately!?? I miss him so much and I have no one to talk to, and no one to drink beerz with. He was my only friend. He was supposed to be 12 this upcoming Feb. 9th. He is an Aquarius. Ps. He Has A SMILE as BRIGHT as the SUNNNNNNNNN :-) <3 <ul> <li> Location: River Floating/Tahoe <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-25T15:06:28-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/rno/1342172062.html I LOST PANCAKES :-( text One Buck = 80 Bucks http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cak/1340820551.html You know what they say... the happiest two days in the life of a mounted deer-head owner are the day he obtains the buck-head and the day he sells it. Let's make each other happy. Here's the deal: If you're in the market for the best gag gift imaginable (as Christmas is quickly approaching) you need to buy my deer head. It's that simple. I have had my fun with it. I've used it to scare my family members and now it's time that it scared the pants off one of yours. For example... does (no pun intended) your family do a white elephant gift exchange where people pawn crap onto each other to celebrate the birth of our Savior? I'm pretty sure that no one would guess what's in the deer shaped package, especially if you wrapped each of the antlers separately. Everyone would be more than thrilled to have Chuck enter into their family. He's probably distantly related to Rudolph in some way, but it's not his red nose that gains him accolades. Rather it is the fact that he has one whole eye, two bomb diggity branched antlers, a hinged mouth for life-like talking/carolling, and that he sheds... but he has a face you just can't stay mad at. So maybe your family doesn't have a funny gift exchange. Maybe your little sister has outgrown her Barbie dolls, but she still wants a toy whose hair she can brush. Chuck loves having his facial hair combed! And how! Or this! Want to teach your kids responsibility but not ready for a real pet? Have them brush Chuck's teeth every night before they go to bed. That'll learn 'em. Not to ask for any more pets. Did you just buy a boat? Topless mermaids strapped to the front of the watercraft are so 1600s. Superglue/staple Chuck onto the front of your bad boy and you'll be gellin' like Magellan in practically no time (note: it will take some time to mount him up, this is an exaggeration). What?! Plus you could name it something awesome like "Land Doe," "The Buck Stops Here," or "Creepy Deer Boat". You get the idea. But that's not all. A prop in a school play, a Halloween mask, a candelabra, a place to hang your clothes that won't fit in the closet. Or perhaps you live alone and you want to feel like you are seated to dinner with a guest. Prop him up on your kitchen chairs and let him go to town. He loves a home cooked meal as much as anyone. In addition, Chuck too also makes a good friend as well also. Wanna drive in the carpool lanes to work? Chuck loves sitting shotgun. Plus, no one will want to rob your car. You could practically set your iPod out on the dashboard with the doors unlocked and hoodlums would still want nothing to do with you. With a little bit of time and some know-how, Chuck will make the perfect shampoo dispenser. Got a farm? I've never seen a scarecrow with a deer-head for a head. Yet. Can't afford that diamond ring your girlfriend asked for? Bronze Chuck and she'll forget she ever asked. These are just a few of the virtually endless possibilities. You could also mount it on the wall like "normal" people. I believe in my heart of hearts that all animals were put on this Earf' for a purpose. Mostly to be eaten. But not Chuck. That's what makes him special. Be a part of Chucks destiny. He gave his life tragically to enhance yours. For just 80 bucks my problem becomes yours. OBO (preferably more... if there are too many people who want it, we'll sell it auction style- that way it's fair.) Contact me quick, I imagine a huge volume of people will be interested. But as this is a happy day in my life, when Chuck will go on to accomplish great things with another family, I hope we can stay in touch. I'd love to hear how he's doing and just be able to check on him once in a while to make sure he's behavin' hisself. Cheers to deers, son! Seriously, contact me about this deer head. I want it out of my gazebo. <ul> <li> Location: Stow <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-24T23:30:09-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cak/1340820551.html One Buck = 80 Bucks text Morally Bankrupt - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1340430020.html I saw you in my bankruptcy class. I was so distracted by you that I could barely pay attention to the riveting lecture about the history of bankruptcy law. I imagine that you are a creditor and I am a bankrupt and I will have to work off my debt for you or risk debtor's prison. You can have whatever you want; no state law exemptions. I want you to declare bankruptcy all over me. I am sick of ending my nights pro se. I promise if you entertain my claim that you will have a huge judgment entered in your favor over and over again. We can even violate the Model Rule of Professional Responsibility and engage in a 108(j). My interests include hilarious law-based puns; and mocking others. If you think we are a match, let's grab a drink after class. I know it's a weeknight but my parents let me stay out as late as I want to as long as I call by 11pm to check in with them. P.S. I am neither the ginger nor the weird guy next to you. <ul> <li> Location: law school <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-24T19:08:04-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1340430020.html Morally Bankrupt - m4w text I lost your number - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lnk/1339854518.html hey, I don't wanna plaster your name all over here, so I'll just use your initials. JS, I lost your number and would really like to get a hold of you. I hope you check this part of craigslist, I know you use CL b/c that's how we met. to refresh and so you're sure of who I am and that I'm talking about you. I met you off of CL for some FWB actions. We had a wild first night. It just got crazier from there, we helped each other broaden our horizons. We tried outdoor stuff a lot of role play (you love the rough stuff) that one night that we didn't have a condom we should have refrained. You missed your period and I talked you into getting rid of it. You were a little mad at yourself, and yes, me too. But anyways, I'd really like to get back in touch. You still owe me 75 bucks for your half of the procedure, plus we could probably fool around some more. <ul> <li> Location: lincoln <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-24T13:19:02-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lnk/1339854518.html I lost your number - m4w text Pimp Mac Daddy'n http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1339789905.html Oh man, I just gotta send out props to the straight-G white guy at the Kwik Trip yesterday on Portaland Avenue. C’mon, you know who you were, you mac-daddy’n bitch magnet. Hell, you didn’t even wait to arrive in the parking lot to announce to your pimpin’ ways: your bumpin’ stereo was audible 2 blocks away, and I know because my car windows rattled 20 seconds before your arrival. And as you know, NOTHING says, “bad ass a-comin’” more than stereo speakers that have nothing to do with music, but everything to do with noise. Once you pulled into the parking lot, there was simply no doubt as to who you are as a man. Your white 1999 4-door Chevy S-10 SUV (no full-size SUV needed when you already got a grip a’ street cred’, right Todd?) was done right . All the window were tinted so dark that there were essentially opaque. And that’s what a gangsta gotsta have, right? I mean, ya don’t want no one peeking in yo’ donked ride while you getting’ yo’ hourly swerve on wiff da next lucky female in the back, right Jonathan? And there is no doubt, whatsoever, that you are a player, because you had affixed to your back window a 10-inch chromed cut-out of the shape of a Playboy bunny. Could there be any doubt as to your sexual prowess once the already-impressed citizenry get a look at that universal symbol of stud-pile aboard? No, I don’t think so. Your 22-in rims were icing on the cake. It’s true that the size of the wheels left so little room for the rubber bands that masquerade as tires as to render the ride of your dubbed mini-‘Slade akin to having no tires at all, but such things are trivial. What counts is that your crunchin’ pimp-ride was proper. Taking all this in was nearly a bit much for most of us pumping our gas and buying lottery tickets, but there was no doubt as to the overload of ganster-esque once you stepped from your ride. Even though you were as white a man as I have ever seen, your threads and bling were off the hook, ite? White sleeveless basketball jersey that barely contained the roll of baby fat that encompassed your man-boobs and had the name of your favorite player spelled out on your back. Hey, was that really you Lebron James? I had to check twice, but then I realized at 5'6", and 230 lbs. of twisted steel and sex appeal, you weren’t tall enough. And your shorts were so ‘hood. Size XXXL, were they, LeBron? But you were saggin’ correctly, though this was because your back fat forced your white basketball shorts to hang halfway down your neon-white buttocks that most likely had the consistency of cottage cheese but without the flavor and usefulness. Not to be outdone by your bangin’ ghetto stereo, you wore enough necklaces and bracelets to bling yourself right to the top of Rapster Gangsta Pimpdom. What I couldn’t understand, though, was one of your necklaces adorned with the Peace symbol. What I’m thinking was that you weren't aware of the fact that one of your bling-blings was adorned with an item that goes back to the 1960’s and actually had meaning and merit, which unlike the rest of your shiny bobbles, actually hinted of a degree of consciousness. But none of that for you, though, right Stanley? Nosiree, just indiscriminately pile on 1-in gold chains and let the ladies find you. Of course you had the latest in $250 dollar basketball shoes. But inwardly I asked myself: were the shoelaces untied simply because, like any real Gangsta up in the hizzy, it’s how you roll, or was it because your fat belly prevented you from achieving the needed bending position for tying said laces. Regardless, I’m convinced that those kicks see a great deal of hoop time when you and the possse chill at the courts before rolling out for the nights of cappin’, pimpin’ and slingin.’ Even though I left the Kwik Trip humbled by your overt sex-machine ways and sleek gangster ride, I realized that I had just seen the blueprint of what it means to be a real man. Thanks Gangsta Man. <ul> <li> Location: Portland Ave. <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-24T12:50:44-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1339789905.html Pimp Mac Daddy'n text hoarders haven http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1337575728.html Hello, I am seeking a nice room mate to share my 2 bedroom home. You won't have to pay utilities or do any chores so it's perfect for a young person or a student. But I cannot have anybody touching or moving my stuff because it would set off a chain reaction of emotions and feelings towards you and towards my things. Hoarding is not a mental illness, it is something environmentally responsible because I don't like to throw anything away. But the San Francisco Department of public health said my living conditions were unsafe and came in and forcibly removed my things I have been collecting for over 40 years. It traumatized me and I have been rebuilding my collection ever since. If you are a hoarded this would be a great place because someday, it would be so full of things that we would have to sleep outside. My friend did that in LA but here it might be too cold and the city is very punitive against hoarders and homeless people. Isn't that ironic? They don't like homeless people, but they don't like people with homes either. Please contact me by email as I am unable to get to the phone right now. I have a phone but it only rings. Once in a while I can get to it but it's so far away and very hard to get to. If you had a cell phone that would be better. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-23T00:03:14-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1337575728.html hoarders haven text cock shot etiquette http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1337507697.html since so many guys post cock shots on CL, i thought i'd offer some advice from a woman's perspective on how to do it right. or better. first, have good lighting. maybe a soft glow or indirect light. it's pleasing to the eye. make sure you don't have alot of riff raff in the shot. after all, this is the pic that is going to make the ladies run to you. you know, get us in the mood because nothing turns a girl on more than your 9" tool and promises of all nighters. the riff raff you want to hide is your dirty laundry laying all over the bedroom floor, your twin bed, your roomies twin bed, trash, beer cans, bongs and please hide the many computer/tv cables snaking all around your student desk. also, we don't really want to see your tighty whities bunched down around your junk, your hairy gut or thighs or any kind of measuring device proving your inches. (to the guy who posted his cock shot posed all rigid like next to a bud beer can for measuring purposes or proof of his commoner status: way to rock the comedy world!) nor do we want to see your pants laying all around your feet so we can see your tool from above. this really makes the tube socks the issue at hand and you don't want that. the most important thing to keep in mind is location! i am begging you, as a lover of the 'big one', do not pose your dick over the toilet. we don't really want to see your bathroom shower doors or towels either. in fact, stay out of the bathroom. you guys need to think outside the box if you want to get in the box. be creative! pose your tool on black velvet. pose it on sheep skin. pose it with a piece of jewelry draping it's girth. oh! pose it with hundreds! pose it with keys to your jag or bmw m6 or 7 series dangling off the tip. if you have a prius or any kind of hybrid, don't use this method. wicked fast and expensive autos only. you see where i'm going? you can do so much more than this. women are tired of plain old cock shots. yeah, we love it, we want it bad, we want it 'all night long' (duh) but we need to see some creativity to get us to hit the reply button to 'hit you up'. i'm trying to help you boys get some.. <ul> <li> Location: lookinatit <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-22T21:50:32-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1337507697.html cock shot etiquette text To the Women Who Performed my Vasectomy http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bli/1336721588.html You were all professional, reassuring and unexpectedly funny. Thank you for making me not freak out. Thank you for being good at what you do -- I'm almost painfree today! Thanks for making me laugh about masturbating right before you cut my vas deferens. I admit this a weird sort of a thing to post over, but I wanted to say thank you, and let the rest of the people in the 'Ham-a-ham know. Every interaction I have with Planned Parenthood makes me proud to be an American, odd though that might be. You folks are fighting the good fight, and it's a sad testimony that there's only the one window in the building. If there was ever a group that deserved to be proud and fearless and safe, it's you guys. A++, would recommend. <ul> <li> Location: Mt. Baker Planned Parenthood <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-22T11:18:50-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bli/1336721588.html To the Women Who Performed my Vasectomy text I have a very small johnson http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/brl/1335663414.html 24 pounds ,its a 1.5 hp. Asking $195 call 535-0107 <ul> <li> Location: Danville <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-21T20:12:24-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/brl/1335663414.html I have a very small johnson text Burning Man Flakes http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1334185583.html CRAIGSLIST FLAKES + BURNING MAN FLAKES = WORST KIND OF FLAKES! YOU all know who you are! YOU want to sell me your tarps or furry boots or furry chaps or furry goggles or dome thingy or stupid bike that you used at last year's BM Festival, so you post it for sale on craigslist. Cool. BUT: you don't know where it is, or you've lost the key to your storage area, you're not speaking to your ex-roommate/spouse/coworker/former camp/tribe mate. You don't know when you'll be home, or "back in the country", or you're "uncertain" how much you want to sell it for. Additionally, I'm supposed to be on stand-by for this amazing purchase, because: you are possibly, maybe, but definitely-want-to-keep-your-options-open, because you're probably/maybe/god-willing/if the stars align going to Burning Man this year. Seriously, I read your ad. You said that you wanted to sell your old Burning Man stuff to fund this year's trip to BM....but then when I wanted to buy it, you said you didn't want to sell it ...... because you might be going. This is the kind of thing that gives Southern CA and BM a bad name. YOU want to rent me your old RV for the week. IF we: pick it up, find a shop that will do the $1200 in repairs it needs and the pay Cruise America day rates for it. Dude, I said, we can't pay top market rates for something......that doesn't even run. Not to mention you are too stoned to post a working phone number. Believe me. I NEVER thought we would rent from CriuseAmerica. This is my 7th Burn, and when we've rented RVs (4 times), we've always rented from the little guy. Dear Cruise America Fillmore: I love you and I apologize for all the anti-corporate statements I have made about you. Please forgive me and I thank you for not being stoned when we called. YOU want to buy my two extra Burning Man tickets that I offered for sale for face value, with receipts. Cool. BUT: you want to come after 9:00 pm, but don't really want to commit to that so maybe tomorrow, or if not then, then definitely Saturday....if your friend from Portland is there by then. Or you want a "miracle gift ticket" which means I'm supposed to sell it to you for nothing because you woke up today with the idea that, oh yeah right! Burning Man is a gift economy, with lots of strangers just standing by to make sure that you get a free ticket. Or you make an appointment to come by my house and pick up and buy my tickets, and there are SO many of you like this, but you don't show and don't call. And you even told me "I'm good for the tickets, don't sell them to someone else." Which someone else are you referring to? You mean the one guy in Santa Barbara County who came to pick them up when he said he would, and had cash? Yup. I bailed. I sold the tickets to that guy! It really wouldn't have mattered if he was everything that Burning Man supposedly doesn't stand for. He showed up and and had the correct amount of cash. He could also write a complete email sentence AND could make a phone call and leave a message. I think it was love at first sight. I know there is a place for Burning Man/Craigslist Flakes in Heaven. But until we meet there, let's agree to maintain a friendly distance. I'd say about 1000 miles would do it. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-20T21:34:44-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1334185583.html Burning Man Flakes text gross spinach wraps: not an erotic flavor! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1330786880.html spinach wraps by "la rosa" i bought them from new seasons. probably had 2 of them and nearly gagged each time i tried to eat them. i was sorely disappointed by the taste of crotch (and not in a good way). they are vegan and still pretty fresh. i don't like wasting food, and maybe you are out of dog food or need in-sole cushions for your shoes. email if interested, otherwise im putting them in a freebox! <ul> <li> Location: east p.town <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-19T01:01:51-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1330786880.html gross spinach wraps: not an erotic flavor! text Wanted: Beggars to stop being choosers http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/1330775131.html Somehow I doubt that this is only a problem local to the Detroit or other Michigan CL communities. Granted, Michigan has the distinction of having the highest rate of unemployment in the nation - my husband and I are, in fact, both currently unemployed as well. That's probably why we've decided to move to Wisconsin and to sell as much of our "stuff" on CL as possible. Doing so has, however, turned into quite the adventure. In the course of trying to sell our items, and keep track of the "Wanted" sections for people seeking items we may be willing to part with, I've learned a few things. Perhaps those lessons will be of value to others. 1) If a for sale ad specifies a price, and does not include abbreviations such as OBO or phrases like price negotiable,or free to good home, then please don't send an email saying, "I really need that $1200 real maple wood desk you're selling, but... *insert sob story containing keywords such as 'single mom,' 'no child support,' 'god bless you' and the like*... so, can I have it for free?" You are wasting your time, and the seller's. 2) If you see an ad offering $60 or so for your broken laptop, and you figure that the broken laptop you have is little more than a doorstop at this point, resist the impulse to respond and sell your laptop. These individuals are banking on the hope that you are an idiot who does not know how to use Google to learn how to replace the LCD screen on your laptop - which, inevitably, is the biggest reason people think their laptops are broken! Stop giving away hundreds of dollars worth of property to people who are going to spend $50 to buy a new LCD screen and then sell your laptop BACK TO YOU as "refurbished" for $300+ dollars. Fuck, email me - I'll replace the damn thing for cost of the part plus $20 for my time. Good lord. 3) #2 also applies to your broken iPhones, Palm Pilots, XBoxes and the like. These people are making oodles of money off of you - spend a little cash, get the thing fixed, and then sell it for what it's actually worth if you need money that bad. Don't sell it to these yahoos, they are ROBBING YOU BLIND. 4) Ok, so you're getting married, and you're broke, and you want a nice wedding. Most brides and grooms are broke because we humans tend to get married at around the same time the rest of our adult life is truly beginning - fresh out of school, still being paid little more than an intern, paying off student loans, buying a first house, etc. Perfectly understandable, and there's nothing wrong with looking for a good deal on wedding items. But there is a reason weddings are so expensive - because the shit involved IS ACTUALLY EXPENSIVE. Yeah, you know what? I'm probably not going to use those 50 miniature mirrors left over from my wedding centerpieces again for anything but maybe target practice - but I still had to lay out a whole bucket load of cash to buy them to begin with, and your greedy little "I want everything free for my wedding because it has to be perfect even though I expect to get it all for free" posts made, day in and day out, are NOT inspiring me to part with my targets so as to benefit you. I am more likely to break those mirrors and use them to gouge up all the other free wedding paraphernalia I might have to offer just to spite your greed and stupidity. 5) No, you don't need a washer and dryer. Would it be nice? Certainly. More convenient? Definitely. But a need? No - and especially not if you expect someone else to give you their expensive household appliances for free. Get off your ass, load up the laundry bags, and get over to the laundromat. I mean, hell, do you want us to wash the damn clothes for you as well? 6) Which applies to #5 and, well, pretty much every thing else... if you are expecting someone to give you something for free, if you are here begging for free stuff, at least have the intelligence and wherewithal to find a way to pick the damn thing up. It's bad enough you want expensive shit given to you for free, but you want it hand delivered on a silver fucking platter as well. Seriously? WTF? 7) As per the title of my post... Beggers, stop being choosers. If you are seeking free shit, you don't get to add conditions like, "must be from smoke-free home," or "cannot have any tears or stains," or "must still have box," or "must be pink with purple swirly dots, not purple with pink swirly dots," or "send me pictures and I'll see if it's good enough," or "must be real leather not pleather," or "no plastic wine glasses, it has to be real crystal" or whatever other ridiculous demands you're intending to make. It's FREE SHIT. Be grateful someone is willing to help your sorry ass out instead of expecting them to customize their shit to fit your greedy demands. 8) If you are going to respond to a "Wanted" ad, particularly if the item being asked for seems...oh, I don't know, potentially rare, expensive or otherwise raises the question "why are they looking for it on CL?" - GOOGLE IS YOUR FRIEND. Find out, before you sell, EXACTLY what that $500 bill the guy is offering you $600 is worth. Look up things like, "laptop screen stays dark," or "Xbox red light." Don't let your own greed overwhelm your common sense. If someone is willing to pay you for your item, maybe you'd better find out if someone else is willing to PAY MORE for it. 9) Be realistic. You are not going to get a 2000 or newer running car in good shape with no dents, scratches or mechanical problems for $400. Stop fucking asking. Yes, you're a single parent, life has shit on you, you're going to school, you have no money... the same is true for pretty much most of the rest of the world. If your transportation needs are that great, lower your damn expectations. "$400 for any half-way decent running car" is a good place to start. It's still not likely to get you a lot of responses, but at least it's more realistic. 10) FFS... if you are offering a service, stop posting it as a "Wanted" ad. What you want are customers, not ITEMS, so stop wasting our time with your "Wanted: Wedding Related" bullshit where you actually are looking for people to rent your stupid chair covers for more money than they're even worth. 11) If you are looking for someone to do web design or programming for you, post it in the Gigs section, and be prepared for those of us who do this for a living to laugh our fucking asses off at you when you say you're offering an "internship" or that you can't pay/can't pay much, but are "willing" to let us use your site in our portfolio. First of all, most of us write it into our contracts that we absolutely will be using any site design we do for you as part of our portfolios. You aren't doing us any favors... you're asking US to do YOU a favor because you're too lazy to take any of the multitude of online courses that teach HTML, CSS and php at such an easy level even my 98 year old grandmother could learn it. Secondly, we know damn well that if you're posting an ad on CL, you aren't in any position to make good on promises of "future payment when product takes off." We've been at this a long time, most of us make a good portion of our money off of freelance work, and we're not nearly as stupid as you think we are. Do you ask your surgeon to take out your appendix for free, too? 12) So you're going to be a mommy. Hooray! Let me offer my congratulations! It's completely understandable that new parents may not have the money for extras like a baby swing, a high-end stroller, pretty room decor, etc. Nothing wrong with asking for people to sell you their gently used items - when my kids grew out of their stuff, I sold it cheaply to other new moms, everyone was happy. If, however, you are sitting down to write an ad about how destitute you are, how you can't afford diapers, how you need a free crib and swing and port-a-crib, and stroller, and bouncy seat, and bassinet, and christening outfit, and clothes, and car seat, and they should all match and have pink bunnies with little green froggies...and...and...and... then really, the ad you SHOULD be writing is "seeking responsible family to adopt..." And that, my dears, comes from an adult adoptee who is typically pretty anti-fucking-adoption "in general." Namely, me. 13) Stop signing your begs with "god bless." Why? Because in so doing, you're screwing yourself. Those who would react positively to such a comment are the types who would offer you help even without the added "god bless." But you make some major huge assumptions about your audience when you add that little line, mainly, that they are all/mostly Christians. This is the internet - and on top of it, this is Michigan. It's a good bet "god bless" isn't viewed as positively as you might hope, and that a whole lot of people who might otherwise have responded with offers are going to click right back out of your post. Not because they are anti-god, or anti-Christian, or whatever - but because they see through your bullshit. They know damn well you've tacked that on hoping to play on the sympathies of "good Christians everywhere." They know you don't mean a word of it, that you're using it as a way to manipulate others. Knock...it...the...fuck...off. The people you ARE fooling can't help you. The people who are NOT fooled, can help, but won't. They may not be Christians, but they don't like seeing Christians manipulated any more than they like seeing it happen to anyone else. 14) If you need help to not get evicted, not get your lights shut off, etc. - sure, you can post an ad asking for help. Who knows, someone might actually respond. But you have a better shot if you take matters into your own hands and start looking for other ways to get those bills paid. Put up a request on <a href="http://www.modestneeds.org">http://www.modestneeds.org</a> - be prepared to PROVE your need. Go through your house and sell every damn thing you don't need - all those DVDs, your TV, your stereo, your MP3 player, your cell phone, your laptop - whatever it takes. None of those things will do you a damn bit of good without a roof or electricity, and you can live without all of them and so much more. Sell your shit! Stop expecting someone else to come rescue you. Oh, and here's a tip - when someone emails you and questions why you haven't sold your computer and shut off your cable/internet, don't lie and tell them you're posting from the library. When you email them back, they're going to check the headers on your email and run the IP address - they're going to know you're a Comcast customer, not posting from a library ISP. People don't help liars, particularly those who don't help themselves. I'm sure there are other points I've forgotten, and I reserve the right to edit this as needed to include them. If my laptop wasn't our only source of income via my programming and web design, it would be gone like most of our other shit is. My husband has been out of work for months, we don't qualify for any sort of state aid, my medications alone are costing us $300+ and I've actually taken a couple of those stupid "I've got $25 and I need a website today" jobs just so I could buy fucking ramen, bread and peanut butter to feed us. So I GET IT...I understand just how bad it is. But fuck, have a little dignity people. P.S. I think I hurt the feelings of a few of the beggars... keep flagging, kids... I know the truth hurts. <ul> <li> Location: Everywhere <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-19T03:25:57-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/1330775131.html Wanted: Beggars to stop being choosers text RE:Husbands Ass Fetish; wtf! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1328888809.html "Seriously. He wants to put it there and I won't let him. It is annoying and obnoxious and does not feel good. I am sick and tired of hearing about it. Is he a closet fag or what. What makes a man suddenly go on this kick. We have been married for years and now this comes out. I want to throw the ring at him and tell him to go find some dude to get off with. Butts are for gay guys and men with freakinshly small dicks. How do I get him to lay off the ass thing? FYI: I am not boring in bed, and am a 5'11" 150lb blond with a nice rack and usually don't have to pay for a thing when I go out on the town with the girls. You get my drift." You're either a troll or you have several issues. Or both, I guess. You sound like an ex highschool jock in denial of his homosexual desires to me, but on the odd chance that you are, in fact, female, I'll offer this.. Anal sex has been practiced and enjoyed by people of all sexualities, genders, and penis sizes (including no penis, on the part of females who like to perform anal sex on men or other females) for thousands of years, and it's unlikely that will change just because some sexually repressed or prudish or unimaginative or overly sensitive people don't care for it. It says nothing whatsoever about a man's sexual orientation that he wants to give a woman anal sex, or that he wants to receive it from her. And it says nothing about the size of a man's cock, though it might very well say something about the size of the woman's cunt, since the anus can expand to fit almost anything, just like a pussy, as you could see by watching any number of ass fisting videos or, if you're so inclined, the ones of people getting fucked in the ass by horses with cocks as thick as your neck. But unlike a pussy, the anus will always tighten back up afterward, except in very rare medical cases, and remain a tight fit without special exercises, so before you get too focused on size, maybe you should look at yourself and see if there's an obvious non-fetish reason he might be after your ass, such as you being so loose he can't feel anything, or could bury his dick in there with his hand still wrapped around it and jerk off inside you. [edit]When I went to post this, the server was down for maintenance and I see that you've since responded that you've tried Kegel's, so maybe that's not an issue, but it was an obvious thing to guess, so you should have mentioned it in your original post. Or, maybe he just wants something different, or maybe he's not thought much about it before and just found some good anal porn and is excited to try something new. And maybe he is bored in bed, since, despite your claim of not being boring, people have their own opinions on such things and even wild bisexual nymphomaniac gangbangers can be boring. I remember a porno with a girl getting fucked silly by two guys at once, and either in the video itself or in the bonus content, one of the guys turns to the camera and says "DP's (double penetrations) are boring.", and I thought.. damn, dude.. life is rough, huh... but I was at an orgy during a party one night at a student co-op in Eugene and got involved in a DP and at one point, sure enough, it was kind of boring, because the other dude and I kept throwing off each other's rhythm and had to stop right in the middle of everything and do some logistics calculations and finally decided one of us was going in her mouth and she'd get a toy stuck up whatever hole remained. So, anyway, maybe you should ask him if he's bored in bed with you and why. Maybe you should ask him a lot of things you aren't asking him, and tell him a lot of things you aren't telling him. Maybe, like a lot of people, he just has a desire to do something "naughty". Everybody's different, so you can't say "it does not feel good", because millions of people think it does, but you can say it doesn't feel good to you, and if that's really the case, you probably either have a medical, anatomical, or psychological problem or else he's doing it wrong, or if he hasn't done it yet, then whoever did it to you before was doing it wrong. But, you know, I used to like carrots and hate baked beans, and now it's exactly the opposite. Things change, and if you're too rigid and judgmental, you may end up missing out on enjoying things because of it. My current girlfriend refused to even consider anal sex at first, because she'd had a bad experience in her past with some inconsiderate and inept dumbass that didn't go slow enough or didn't use enough lube or whatever, so I never pressured her or even really talked about it, despite the fact that I rather like it. I did, however, make it a point to give her asshole a little kiss or lick while I was down there for other reasons, which I could tell she quite enjoyed, so that eventually progressed into lengthy sessions of me thoroughly devouring her ass and doing my best to get my entire tongue up in there, with her wriggling in ecstasy and climaxing from that alone, which is great foreplay for making her cum 5 or 10 more times by fucking her brains out. I never so much as stuck a finger up her ass, but a few months ago she said she wanted to try anal sex with me, so we went and got some toys to help her work up to it and took it slow and finally got her to relax enough that I got the head of my cock in her without it hurting and we both had huge orgasms while she furiously rubbed her pussy. Since then she's pretty much begged me to do it often and more thoroughly, and each time we get a little closer to full on butt fucking, but she still has trouble relaxing and she has some flexibility issues due to knee problems, so it's a little difficult to get and keep good positioning, which can lead to her tensing up and cutting off my circulation so much that I go limp and have to pull out, which is then sometimes painful and attempting to put it back in can be as well, so we usually just give up and move on to something else. I'm thinking about getting her one of those "pleasure swings" so we can get her just where and how she needs to be to make it feel the best for both of us. If you're not willing to make him happy by giving something as popular and normal and fairly mundane as anal sex a chance though, maybe you should just throw the ring at him so he can sell it and spend the money on a girl that cares about his pleasure as much as or more than she cares about her own. After all, most people wouldn't even consider a person's interest in anal sex to be a fetish, unless they're totally obsessed with it and can't climax without it, so what are you going to do if he expresses an interest in an actual fetish or kinky act, like wanting you to give him footjobs or wanting to watch you pee or have you pee on him or vice versa, or heaven forbid, have you give him a rimjob while you jack him off into a martini glass and then pour it over your face while humming "Singin' in the rain"? I'm not saying grin and bear it if it hurts too bad, or kidnap elementary school kids or dogs to bring home for him or force yourself to eat shit or vote republican or anything just to make him happy, but you do need to get over the "gay" misconception and the attitude and be a little more receptive. I'm sure there are even how-to videos you can get to help, and maybe you'll find you actually like it as long as you get a candle-lit oil rub to soft music first, or maybe that you need to be tied down and slapped around and even more painfully forced to enjoy it. People are weird and unpredictable. Speaking of, Star Trek is on.. Gotta go. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-17T22:17:09-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1328888809.html RE:Husbands Ass Fetish; wtf! text Angell Hall Bathroom Shitter - w4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1325252941.html Dear Mystery Shitter: I know. I know. It's downright the worst bathroom on campus. The Michigan Daily even said so in an article once. It's usually a swamp of blood, piss, shit, vomit, and several mystery substances. It's got some interesting graffiti, but that's about the only perk. I very rarely use it, as there's a much nicer one down the hall. In fact, I shouldn't even be using it at all-- I graduated this spring. However, the internet is out at home, and I've been spending lots of time in the Fishbowl as a result. Sure, I could walk down to the nice bathroom, but the Hellhole (that is what I will call it from now on) is closer. Sue me for not wanting to walk for fifteen more seconds. I'm a massive lazy-ass. (Although I always take the stairs, even to the fifth floor in Dennison, so perhaps I'm entitled to a break.) Regardless. With it being summer semester and all, the bathrooms are usually much cleaner. Even in the Hellhole, the majority of stalls are usable. Not today. I don't know how you did it. Maybe you were a group of people hell-bent on shitting all over the place, maybe you're some sort of weird student group (Students for Free Shit?), maybe you're just one REALLY determined person. Whichever, you managed to leave all but two of the fourteen (??? I'm guesstimating here, but it's at least over ten) stalls filthy and unusable. There is unflushed shit everywhere, and in every single toilet bowl. One of the two remaining clean stalls doesn't have a lock. Maybe you're a very modest compulsive shitter? I don't know. I'm just impressed by your ability. Please let me know who you are and how you did it-- furthermore, WHY you did it. What do you have against flushing toilets? Why are you so opposed to the restroom being clean? Why do these horror stories seem only to occur in women's restrooms? My boyfriend says the men's rooms are always squeaky clean (except for the occasional penis drawings). I know we have more intellectual graffiti (philosophical, political, and religious debates, AS WELL AS lyrics to love songs!), but why the mess? Why??? Alas, I do not know who you are, so I am unable to determine your motives. I imagine you could win some sort of Guinness World Record. Please contact me immediately. Yours truly, Curious <ul> <li> Location: U of M <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-15T18:26:17-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1325252941.html Angell Hall Bathroom Shitter - w4w text The Truth About Me http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/1323453510.html I am fucking pathetic. I don't own a Bugatti Veyron. I do have a negative savings and as you'll find--- I am the ONLY GUY HERE whose cock is NOT bigger than Lexington Steele's. Read on if losers of my ilk are your type-otherwise return to the regularly scheduled programming of 9/11 conspiracy, fat chick fellatio, Obama-Osama axis of Evil, and baseless racial bias. I don't give a fuck. Proceed with caution as the truth MAY set you free.....or perhaps set you with me...I can hope. Like everyone else I need to get laid, or at least have some social outlet other than, well, myself..... It's that time; I'm feeling that special sexy non-std'd itch, and why not share a bit about me with you deviant fiends? Who knows, perhaps there's a similarly pathetic female out there????? Yeah, I suppose that perhaps this appeal is not-strictly platonic so I couldn't post there, all the dudes in M4W have cocks like giraffe's so I'm too embarrassed to post there, but my thoughts are as follows. All things should and do start as platonic, as such my appeal can be posted here or there, I settled on here as you are reading RnR and not one of the blatant post for sex sites BUT you may consider options.... If you disagree with my rather circular logic---fuck you. You'll keep reading anyway. Gay guys, I know you guys troll around here-you've written me shameless (blush inducing) pleas to let you suck my cock--thanks-but no, while I have no issue with your proclivities, I am not interested in a chap wearing, Rammstein blasting, choke collar wrapped around my neck, leather clad night of sodomy in a converted loft. Though tell me, is it queer that I own a Greek fisherman's hat and listen to early Judas Priest? I flatly refuse to accept there is any homosexual undertone anywhere in "Hellbent for Leather". Prove me wrong-I'll accept failure. London Leatherboys. About me: Unemployed by choice, 4" COCK. It's as thin as a shish kabob skewer. Yeah, I've a couple of snazzy degrees, I hate walks on the beach, prefer chicks that don't cry. I DO KICK ASS AT BOGGLE. If you beat me, say best of five, you can have my original Boggle set (with box). I posses an ENORMOUS porn collection (Jake Malone's work is my favorite), school debt that equals the GDP of Taiwan. Lest I forget---two kids from the three women I've slept with-one is half black and may end up being the President in thirty years. Yeah, I'm sort of like Tom Brady-with a shitty spiral and two criminal liens made possible by the duma-esque welfare fraud state Massachusettstan. Things I do for fun: 1. Go to Barnes and Noble and complete the logic section (NOT WITH A NUMBER 2 PENCIL--I USE A FELT TIP PEN BITCHES) in LSAT prep. books.....then return completed test/text to shelf. Some good that 164 has done me. Put a logic game in front of me and I'll slam it, just about anything else, I'll fuck up-even wet dreams. 2. Pickled carrot eating contests-to the point of diarrhea,vomit or ideally both. My farts are consistently stinky and loud. I take pride in the simple things, like farts, and it seems my flatulent remains a point of personal pride. Take pleasure where you get it bitches. 3. Strip joints. 4. I avoid all family gatherings---together we'll avoid yours. Be honest, if there was no biological connection to the members of your weed like family tree, would you deal with any of them? You might say 'yes.' No one believes you----especially them. Hateful lecherous bastards, their fucking kids don't even write 'thank you' notes. 5. Attend open houses, tell the sellers their property sucks, then request to use their bathroom. They say yes, I enter,give birth to a skunk (never flush-fuck wiping, though if you're into giving rim jobs, I'll wipe) then jerk off onto their mirrors...then split. If the Realtor is a female, I will get her card and taunt her with "yes, an offer is on it's way....should we meet for lunch?" Being creepy is not a dis-qualifier in this (go) down market. Fuck it, next weekend I'll wear a speedo and sleeveless tie dyed jeans vest (nothing under it) to an open house somewhere snazzy. 6. Return to Barnes and Noble-Direct to feminism section. Pick up some Susan Brownmiller bullshit and start uttering "CUNT" at audible levels. If lucky, some patchoulie stinking Barnard classics major will be near by. I'll do my best to convince her we should fuck--for some reason the tactic has not borne fruit. Though I will masturbate about the Martha's Vineyard vacationing liberal arts graduate whore that night. While thinking of her, I'll listen to early Venom ("At war with Satan"), watch reruns of "Full House", have a belt wrapped around my neck and a thumb buried in my ass. Surprisingly, these onanistic Bacchus sessions are leaving me both exhausted AND fulfilled. IN BEST CHINESE WAITER ACCENT "Try you like" There, finally an honest personal add, where are the e-mails cunts? All I've got is time, and a year's worth of dried semen on my hands. Come join me in my private Idaho---you fucking hateful culture whores. We'll ride the hate bus over these troubled waters together! Cumbaya-I am Lord Cumbaya This type of honesty is cathartic. I encourage you all to do the same, this way, there will be no surprises when the veneer of early dates wears off and the stinky mess that is human coupling is exposed for the fiscal fuck farce it is. Let's do this-I'm ready, are you? <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-14T16:24:59-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/1323453510.html The Truth About Me text Wow, all these women responding to my ad! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1320594183.html Wow, I placed my first personals ad on CL yesterday and MAN the response is fabulous! And heck, I figured I would NEVER get any replies, being middle-aged and looking basically for NSA sex. But I'm fussy, and most of the respondents...well, they don't measure up. To Cassie, it was really charming the way you said, "I very much enjoy" and then you pasted my own text from my ad back to me, even though the grammar didn't fit "I enjoy". Sorry you didn't understand my ad, I did say "one time meeting only, no chit-chat", so I politely decline your request to go to your web page to text with you. Yes, I know, free is good, by the way, it's not spelled "completly". To Camelia, that was just plain weird, you said not to respond to any ad that directs me to a dating site, then you said to find you on a dating site. If you can't figure out that logic, I don't think you're NSA material...you'd get the wrong idea. Melissa, thanks for the note, but just like I said to Cassie, I don't want chit-chat. I also note that you said you're new to Portland, in exactly the same words Cassie said and you both are "alex21" on the respective dating sites you refer to. Do you know each other? Annie, funny how you wrote just like Camelia, to not go to other dating sites, but then to go to yours. Also, it's not "completly". Kourtney, it's just plain weird that you wrote exactly what Camelia said, "maybe you would like to speak with a young girl so that we will know more about each other because i'm new in portland and looking for a relationship/roommate" and the thing about chit-chat. As I said in my ad, no chit-chat and no, I don't want a "young girl", that would be just icky. Do you and Camelia know each other? Sherrie, you just didn't even READ my ad, did you? If you had, you would not have said you were new to Portland and interested in hanging out and developing an LTR. Oh and what is it with having to sign up somewhere to "chit chat" with you? When in the heck did the phrase "chit chat" come back? Katie, congrats, you're the first one who seemed to identify what I wanted "not looking for anything serious, just a fun buddy if you catch my drift ;)", however you also identify yourself as half my age (what I specifically said I did NOT want) and the link you gave me to your "pic"...well, it's a pic of a pretty, young girl, but it also says on the side that it's the photo being used by a spammer on CL...and the text on the page is EXACTLY what you wrote to me so I think you're not "real". Jenny, again you're saying you "want to hang out" which is not what I want, and amazingly, while you suggested a different dating site than Sherrie did, you BOTH chose the user name "lovinlife444". Weird how women just randomly all pick the same user ID on different sites, isn't it! Are you twins separated at birth? Uh, Evileena, you signed your email Stacy...and you also sent me to a spam site. If you can't remember where you put your own pics, I admit I won't be able to be interested in a hookup. Sherry (different spelling than Sherrie), what is going on? Your email addy says Sherry, your first line says "hi I'm Sarah" and you sign your email Elizabeth. If you can't remember your name, I doubt you'd remember the date, time and location of our tryst. Sorry, I'm just not going to explain it further. Kaitlyn, ah...I knew a woman by that name, and she was married, but if she weren't - what a body! 20 pounds underweight but busty as all hell with big nips that could not hide under thick brassieres and layers of sweatshirt and sweater. But you didn't even offer to meet, you just directed me to a "free dating site". I'm sorry, but I'm already on one, called Craigslist. Marcell, you've got Sherry's problem! Your email says you're Marcell, you said you're Britney, then signed Erica. And what is this with so many women being 23 years old and just moved to Portland? Can't a 23 year old just go to any bar and get a date? Nanci, something electronic screwed up. Your email text was EXACTLY the same as Marcell's and they were sent with the same timestamp. Right down to directing me to the same singles site, and the fact that you signed yourself Erica but called yourself Britney. Try sending again, since your message clearly got garbled. Or was it Marcell's that was garbled? Marcell, if you're still reading, try again. Kaitlin, that was just weird...you sent me a nice email that said you'd like to get together on my terms. I replied and said when are you available and the MOMENT I sent my reply, there was another from you that said, "I tried to upload a pic but couldn't, go here to my friend's website, I'm on there"...now why would you be on your friend's website and how could you have known to reply to me so fast? That's just weird. Tell you what, I sent you a newsy email, reply to that at some length and we'll see, OK? I know I'm just in this for a quickie, but I don't want a quickie with a woman who only knows one-liners. I mean, let's say we get together and it looks like you're ready to have me in you, are you going to say, "go three houses down to find real pussy".... Danica, you wrote exactly what Kaitlin did...hey, I'm starting to smell a rat! Nellie, look, if you'd read my ad, you'd know I'm not "looking for friends to chill with", so I'm sorry to simply say no thanks. Octavia, you sounded real - but when I replied to your email address, I got a bot response. Try sending from a different email address. Weird - some women just can't read and others seem to have trouble with their email, and so many don't even know their own names. No WONDER they have to turn to the 'net for dating...no way they'd make it in the real world. Meanwhile, any woman interested in a one-time-only NSA meeting with a middle-aged man...ah, never mind. <ul> <li> Location: Overflowing with joy! <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-12T21:54:23-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1320594183.html Wow, all these women responding to my ad! text things you could learn from my transgendered boyfriend http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mad/1319154166.html Around craigslist there are a lot of public service announcements, people complaining about or suggesting what their ideal partner should be like. Most of these psa's feature a perverted, low-class guy requesting a young brain-dead nymphomaniac, or a radical feminist chick. The problem, I think, is the disconnect between the genders. Men blame their bizarre standards on testosterone, and women claim to be more cerebral and emotional. My boyfriend is transgendered, and so lived until the age of 14 as girl full-time, then transitioned and is now completely and totally male. But he has lived both genders and knows the shit that each of them has to put up with! I think his enlightened attitude could help us all understand dating and relationships better, because he's been burned both as a girl and as a man. He's too shy to do this himself, but let me condense his philosophy of sex and dating: 1. Treat people respectfully. Women do like having a partner that is attracted to them--even in that hungry, sex-wild way--but objectification is really unsexy. So, guys, respect that women are people, not just breasts. 2. Give up on understanding the other gender. Men will never understand what it feels like to be seriously sexually harassed or feel physically helpless against rape in the same way that women do. Women will never understand the pressure to stereotypically make money, put together the furniture from IKEA, and be a rock like men are supposed to. Advertising, movies, etc have brainwashed all of us into our gender roles, and we each think we have it bad. But this isn't a contest. Just be ready to concede that life sucks all around and no one but marketing specialists and beauty pageant coordinators is really responsible for it. 3. Guys, keep your perversions to yourselves. Your hormones might be screaming at you that the chick working the counter at Chipotle is totally fuckable, but keep it to yourself. Your girlfriend is likely not interested. 4. Ladies, learn to take a deep breath before freaking out. It's hard, I know. Our stupid hormones make us flip out more than we want to and sometimes feel out of control. But things will mellow out, often sooner rather than later if you stay calm. 5. Everyone needs to learn to compromise. Don't think that you understand how badly it might hurt your partner if you get a lapdance or cut your hair too short. Talk things through with the people you love. And play fair. If he's allowed a lapdance so is she. It's all about compromise and the rules change between every relationship. 6. Never say "my ex let me go to topless clubs with my friends" or "my ex let me pluck his eyebrows for him" or "my ex would go down on me as soon as I got home from work." Your ex isn't fucking here, are they? And believe it or not, your ex may have let you get away with murder--or, even worse, excessive manscaping--because of a low self-confidence problem. If your partner has the balls/ovaries to put their foot down about something, respect that they are mature and open enough to dialog about it instead of keeping it bottled up. 7. It's all about communication. Don't assume things. Don't assume that she'll hate the action comedy or that he hasn't seen the Notebook. Don't assume your bisexual girlfriend is automatically down for a threesome. 8. Don't try putting yourself in their shoes. Talk, listen, support, but don't ever lie and say that you really understand what someone has been through. 9. Guys, don't demand that a woman keep your house for you unless you are prepared to become the sole breadwinner for the household. Choose a decade to live in and stick to that decision. 10. Everyone--if monogamy is not for you, don't try. A lot of people have healthy, happy lives with nsa sex partners or no sex partners at all. A successful relationship is not necessary for a successful life. Many hearts have been broken by that guy/girl that tried to make it work but couldn't because some people are just polyamorous. Just be honest about it. And get friends that support you. 11. Don't force monogamy or polyamory on anyone else. People are kind of born leaning one way or the other. It's like trying to turn your friend straight so that you can be together. Not happening. 12. Have realistic expectations about your partner. Most men cannot have rippling muscles or earn six figures. Most women are not porn star/Betty Crocker hybrids. We're all just people that need to get over superficial stuff. This is our attempt to have a more fair and balanced dating guide. Just be happy with who you are. <ul> <li> Location: central madison, wi <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-12T09:45:37-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mad/1319154166.html things you could learn from my transgendered boyfriend text Duck egg that my cat brought home http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nor/1318631839.html My cat brought home a duck egg. Near Bayou St. John. I would be happy to turn it over to someone if they care to hatch it or whatever. This is the second of two but the first got cracked on the way home. I don't have the facilities to hatch it and I don't eat strange eggs my cat brings home. <ul> <li> Location: midcity <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-11T21:33:45-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nor/1318631839.html Duck egg that my cat brought home text To my cockroach ex-wife http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1317051655.html Dear Whore of Lucifer: I have recently enrolled in a 12-step program for people whose lives were decimated and finances ruined by lawyer bills when their spouses filed for divorce after finding someone else to fuck and run off with. I am currently up to Step 8: Willingness to Make Amends. As such, I apologize for the following recent transgressions: Told the drunk at the bar who wanted a Red-Headed Slut that he's more than welcome to you if that general contractor douchebag is done with you. Annoyed the staff at several hospitals by calling to see if they had any fresh organ donors on hand with a heart suitable to replace your cold, dead one. Demanded a refund from Southwest Airlines because I tried to get you on one of their planes but they refused to let my bag fly free as advertised in their TV commercials. Scrawled your cell number in the stall of the john of the bar at the American Legion post down the street with an offer of free prostate exams for all veterans 65 and older. Told my neighborhood U.S. Marine Corps recruiter that I knew the exact location of the dank, hopeless cave Osama Bin Laden was hiding in and provided the GPS coordinates to your pants. Lit several offering candles at your church with prayers that karma would hurry its ass up and come around to you while I was still alive to see it. For these things, my dear handmaiden of Satan, I make my amends. I'd still love to see your head squeezed in a vice until your eyeballs squirt out of their sockets, but I have to go along with the program. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-11T05:02:23-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1317051655.html To my cockroach ex-wife text Dear Future Hipster Neighbor http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1317029448.html Dear Future late 20/early 30 Hipster Neighbor from the Mid-west/South/Idaho: I know you are the coolest kid in Iowa/Ohio/Idaho/Texas/Florida/etc but... While scanning CL for a cool vintage apartment near Hawthorne or Alberta, a sweet barista job and a new fixie to ride around on once you arrive, please reconsider your decision, and please do not move here. There aren’t any jobs for the people who already live here. Word on the street is that your Stumptown barista job won’t last once people find out you are a 30-something college graduate from Ohio. I heard the eastside is going to break off from the Willamette River and will soon become part of the Couve (aka you will live in something similar to where you currently live, but rainier)…. Plus, living in the Pearl or NW is too expensive for your $9/hour barista job. And no cool hipsters live on the SW Side. Regards, Your previous future neighbor <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-11T01:38:41-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1317029448.html Dear Future Hipster Neighbor text Confessions of a...... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/1316839187.html To the average observer I am an optimistic 32 year old woman who was raised by two wonderful parents, who holds a job, enjoys a drink from time to time, laughs out loud, is independent, has a strong desire to achieve in her life, works hard, appreciates her friends and family, has strong convictions, is compassionate, and honestly is a great person. People enjoy my optimistic, happy go lucky attitude. My sense of humor, all be it unique, has offered many laughs, sore bellies, and tired cheeks; life tends to be a perpetual comedy show from my perspective. In my career I have grown quickly within organizations, my natural leadership qualities pulling me to the top as if floatation devices in the sea of corporate bliss are attached to my work product. I live a healthy lifestyle – I eat right, skip the desserts most of the time, indulge on occasion, run approximately 25 miles a week, kayak, love to camp, love to cook, and I’m not afraid of a little dirt under my nails. Throughout my years I have changed my own flat tire, babysat children, fixed the kitchen sink plumbing, hugged my mother and father, renovated a house, cleaned toilets, supported my brother and sister, tended to a garden, bantered with the neighbors, dressed up for a night at the theatre, and spent time at professional networking events. People have told me I’m quite the “catch” yet I am modest by nature. I’ve been in relationships and I have never strayed - never even considered it, as I’m quite the believer in love. To the average observer, I am normal – for lack of a better word. Only I know the truth. I’m a craigslist slut. I can’t help it and I have had quite a bit of fun along the way. I have responded to personal ads, and even posted a few of my own – all casual encounters, mind you. Some of the men lack the intelligence to keep my mind engaged in simple email banter, so I politely tell them “thank you but no thank you.” Some men I simply email with; some men I have met. I’ve fucked younger guys (who are fun in their own innocent way, even though they think they are badass lovers – it’s cute and endearing) and older guys (there’s some fucking sensual, talented men out there) and guys around my own age (got to love the pussy hungry 30/40-somethings). Some of the men I’ve met are good looking, some super effing hot. Some of them are not even close to what their pictures represent. Some of them are weirdos, complete effing weirdos and some of them are your average American males. Some of them can fuck; some of them could not fuck. One guy shaved his entire body, entirely. One guy probably never trimmed his pubs once in his life. One man I met had a huge cock, but could not keep it up and hard when it came to actually inserting it into my pussy. He preferred to jerk off and have me watch. Amusingly I watched, and let him cum on my face. I found this weird, but he got off, so I let him think I was having as much fun as he was. He could lick pussy, so I wasn’t complaining, either. Another man I met for drinks and he went down on me in the parking lot. We met another time at his place and fucked for hours. He could also lick pussy. One guy wanted me to fuck him with a strap on – so I did. I thoroughly enjoyed it – now I know why you fellas like doggie style so much – what a view. One man photographed and sketched me. Another man I met had the excitement of a child on Christmas Eve. He could barely contain himself – I went to the bathroom and he was shouting “Yes! Yes! Oh my god, this is really going to happen!” to himself, not knowing I could clearly hear every single word. We made out like we were lovers in love; his touch was electrifying. He is now a Top 5 Pussy Licker in my book of lovers. Met one guy for drinks, he took me back to his place and never laid a hand on me. As I was getting up to go he attempted to make out; I told him not to wait until I was leaving next time. We’ll see if he calls. One guy was so fucking hot (tall, built, full of muscles, biggest cock I’ve ever had the pleasure to suck and fuck); we had wild uninhibited sex all night. He smelled so good I went to work the next day without showering so I could get a whiff of his man scent throughout the day. His pheromones were so strong I can still get wet thinking about how fantastic he smelled. I would have made him my n.s.a. lover – but strangely he never returned my callback even though he texted me the next morning and mentioned how he was still throbbing – why men do the things they do simply isn’t worth the effort to figure out. One guy met with me, and his girlfriend was (unknowingly to me) across the bar; it was a set up to see if I’d be into a threesome – I could see through their scam, but I liked their creativity so I played the dumb blonde card and let both of them lick my pussy and pinch my nipples. One guy loved nylons, so I wore a short skirt with thigh highs and let him finger me under the table at a busy restaurant; no one suspected a thing, except the waiter who winked at me on my way out the door. One guy just wanted to give me a massage; so I let him. It was so good I sucked the cum right out of his cock as a thank you. I’ve sucked huge cocks and not so huge cocks. I’ve had many, many orgasms. Burned many a calorie. I’ve experienced different kinds of lovers, fetishes, and sexual likes/dislikes. It has been an educational experience to say the least. I believe each situation was a win-win for the involved parties. I’m a self admitted Craigslist slut. Call me what you will, send me what you will – but know that honestly, I don’t give a shit what you think of me. I’m confident enough in myself that words will never hurt me. Judgments – never needed them in my life, so a judgment from a stranger means nothing to me. I’m an empowered single woman with a high sex drive; I’m simply doing the best I can to quench my sexual urges and having tons of fun along the way. I always practice safe sex. If I wanted a relationship, I could have one – but I’m enjoying my first single summer in many, many years. I’m enjoying the shit out of being a CL slut. I love my life. Let me close with a big ol’THANK YOU Craigslist! You have made this one hot steamy summer. I appreciate what you have done for me…… <ul> <li> Location: Craigslist Slut <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-10T23:34:52-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/1316839187.html Confessions of a...... text Dear Neighbor http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/alt/1315255760.html Dear Neighbor, Why do you insist upon mowing your fucking lawn at 8 AM? At least once a week I wake up to hear your lawnmower revving away right outside my fucking window. Your whole lawn is shaded by your house and that huge tree, so I have to hear you stall the thing at least 12 times. Here's an idea.... WAIT UNTIL YOUR FUCKING LAWN IS DRY BEFORE YOU MOW IT!!!!!!!!! I get home from work at 4 AM only to awaken hours later to the sound of a weedwacker coming from next door. Closing the windows doesn't help. Putting the pillow over my head doesn't work. You could probably hear your mower in space. Your lawn looks like ass anyway. Why even mow the damn thing? The potted plants you bought in May are still sitting, unplanted of course, in their original resting place, which appears to be a framed horseshoe pit in the center of your yard. There are a couple of oversized, azure synthetic drums out there that accent the always stylish, black rubber indoor/outdoor mats that tastefully adorn your back porch. For the love of God! The place looks like it belongs in Gummo. The only thing missing is a trailer, four screaming brats, a car up on cinder blocks and a couple mangy animals. If I had enough Round-Up, I would turn the thing into a sandlot myself to save you the trouble when you finally come to your senses and make the switch. I can't stand you. I can't stand your lawnmower. I can't stand your shitty old man tattoo that looks like a vulture from afar. I can't stand the way you push around your stalling lawnmower over your wet grass while wearing Jack Daniels pajama pants at 8 in the morning. The last thing I need to see after four hours of sleep is some random old guy next door mowing his lawn without underwear. I detest you. If I had a dog, I would let it into your lawn to shit. <ul> <li> Location: Northampton <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-10T09:42:30-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/alt/1315255760.html Dear Neighbor text Two Stoned Dudes - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/col/1315015806.html You smiled, and we were stoned, so we just kept walking. This is sad in retrospect, because you're literally the most beautiful woman I've seen in some arbitrarily quantified span of time. When we asked the small, hairy Middle-Eastern attendant inside what he thought of you, he waxed poetic: "She's gorgeous," he said. "Just gorgeous." He had good taste in women for sure. It also seems that he had given some thought to what he would do if you were his lady: "I would lick her from top to bottom for six hours," and he made the licking motion with his tongue, his head, and even his hands. It was mostly haunting, but also strangely erotic. Though I agreed that I too would lick you, I contested the length of time I'd spend doing it. I suggested that 45 minutes to an hour should be more than sufficient. And then if she's not totally disgusted, we would probably move on to more sexually gratifying activities (like blow js and fingerings). Then the Middle Eastern attendant asked me while stroking his graying Bin-Laden beard "What do you think this is for?" I stood there for a good 20 seconds, and then I told him I honestly had no idea. So he made the same motion as before but with his beard instead of his tongue. After suppressing my gag-reflex, I told the man I admired his candor and his ambition and to have a nice night. The funny part is that when I think about what you looked like, I see your long tan legs, floral print summer dress, stunning smile, and the Middle Eastern man rubbing his beard and tongue all over all of it (for some reason the Middle Eastern man licks your dress too in this strange fantasy). So I guess what I'm saying is, if by some mad chance you read this, please email me to tell me how violated you feel, and how I can somehow see you again. <ul> <li> Location: Off of Sawmill <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-10T02:09:06-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/col/1315015806.html Two Stoned Dudes - m4w text Loud (and Hot) Library Spectacle - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/iac/1314152360.html You were at the library today at about 12:30. I really like how you had your ipod so loud that people across the room could hear it. Deaf girls really appeal to me, and you'll doubtlessly be one, some day. You were listening to banal hip-hop--I could make out some of the lyrics. You went and sat by people who were silently reading, and I think your total disregard for their peace was hot. When you answered your phone to talk inarticulately to your friend about your embarrassing (although you didn't seem embarrassed, and I like that) drinking binge, I knew I had to try and contact you through this site. Anyway, I hope you get this. I really like how socially inept and oblivious to other people you are. Hopefully we can meet up and go somewhere and be unwittingly obnoxious together. <ul> <li> Location: Public Library Iowa City <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-09T13:37:33-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/iac/1314152360.html Loud (and Hot) Library Spectacle - m4w text Need Gal for Unique (Legit) Part-Time Position http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1309403657.html Hi. Even for Craig's List, this is going to be a strange ad. But I promise, it's legit. I'm a single, straight guy, in my early 40’s, recently moved to NYC, with almost no social circle here (and, even worse, I work on my own). No history of mental illnesss, jail time or listening to country music. Moving to NY has been fantastic, but the one thing is, I have been finding it hard to meet women. So I’m doing the normal, typical, rational thing that any guy in my position would do -- I'm looking to hire a female "wingman," that is, a "wingwoman," to break the ice for me in social situations. Got your attention, didn’t I? Good. Keep reading… This is a real job I'm offering; it's not a personal ad in disguise. I'm also not a journalist trolling for a story, a Nigerian scamster, or a reality show producer. Perhaps more surprisingly, I'm also not a freak, weirdo or serial killer - I am just not good at walking up to a woman I don't know and getting beyond "Hi" and I want to do something about it. This would be a part-time, occasional gig. Get-togethers would be in Manhattan or occasionally Brooklyn; sometimes afternoons, sometimes evenings. (Generally speaking, NOT in bars or nightclubs. I am more of a <a href="http://hellskitchenfleamarket.com/fleamarket/index.php">HK Flea Market</a> / <a href="http://www.greenfleamarkets.com/">Greenflea</a> / <a href="http://www.themoth.org/about">Moth</a> / <a href="http://nymag.com/listings/nightlife/big-terrific/">Big Terrific</a> / <a href="http://new.lincolncenter.org/live/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=167&Itemid=69">Midsummer Night Swing</a> type of guy. <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/31/movies/31grant.html?_r=1&hp">This</a> is also my kind of thing.) Probably 2-5 hours per stint. We would only meet in public places and I would pay you ($20/hour) cash. And you don't have to be single or even "unattached" to apply - there's no "hanky panky" involved. (I really don’t care if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend or significant other, as long as that person knows about and is cool with the situation.) If you want to know more details about the arrangement, check out these articles: <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2004/10/10/fashion/10WING.html?pagewanted=print&position=">Are You With Him? Why Yes, Want to Date Him?</a> <a href="http://www.sandiegoreader.com/news/2008/feb/13/wingwomen/?print">Wingwomen</a> (8 pages long) I am NOT looking to looking for someone to “lure” 100 unsuspecting women my way so I can sleep with and then dump them. This is SO not about that. At this point in my life, I’m not looking for 100 women, I’m looking for ONE special one. This is all about Quality Over Quanity. And I’m probably going to hire several different “wingwomen,” part-time, depending on who’s interested in doing what kinds of things. Please, please, please – only reply to this posting if the following description matches you pretty much exactly: (1) Reading this post, you first thought, "This MUST be a scam or a gag." Then after you read it some more, you started to think, "Hey, maybe there's something to this..." (2) You then thought to yourself, "Huh, this TOTALLY describes me. You mean I can get PAID for this...?" (Very possibly, a friend forwarded you this post with the subject heading, “This job was made for you!”) (3) You appreciate the inherent ridiculous of this whole concept, but are nevertheless intrigued. In fact, assuming that I am not a freak or a weirdo, this sounds like the most fun job ever. (4) You are an adventurous person. You are not afraid to try new things. (5) You have a good sense of humor and probably don't take yourself too seriously. (6) You are a socially outgoing, and socially-savvy, person. (7) Your natural modesty aside, you know that you’re very, very smart. (Minimum requirement: you know the difference between your, you're and yore.) (If you can use affect and effect as both a noun and a verb, let’s just skip the wingwomaning and elope.) You may have a day job for the money, and one or two side projects going on involving something you're really interested in. (8) You're discreet and not a gossip. I plan to keep your involvement confidential, I expect you to do the same for mine. This is NOT something for you to write about, even in your blog. It's private. Really. (9) You are looking for some part-time, occasional work - afternoons and/or evenings and/or weekends. (10) You are 30-something or older. (It will be weird if you are young enough to be my daughter.) Okay, weirder. Okay, by this point, Gentle Reader, I figure you're thinking one of 3 things: (A) "This guy is REALLY wacko." (B) "Yeah, this is something I could do, I guess. How hard could it be?" (C) "Oh. My. God. THIS JOB WAS MADE FOR ME! That is so bizarre!" (But in a good way.) IF - AND PLEASE, ONLY IF - YOU ARE ONE OF THE TINY GROUP OF PEOPLE IN CATEGORY C, I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR FROM YOU. If you'd like to apply for the gig, send me an email telling me about yourself and please include a photo. If you're embarrassed, scared or weirded out, you don't have to include your real name, but please be honest about everything else. If you're going to apply, PLEASE spend a little time telling me about yourself - just one or two lines isn't going to do me (or you) any good. If your photo is too large to be sent to the Craig's List email address, you can email me directly at docinnyc at Hotmail. If all goes well, we can meet at some centrally-located, well-lit coffee shop (with plenty of escape routes) and check each other out, and if we're both satisfied, we can take it from there. Thanks for reading! Doc PS... A few notes... If you feel you aren't the right gal for me, but you KNOW the right gal for me - in either sense - yes, by all means, go ahead and forward her this ad. (Your Maid of Honor status is guaranteed.) By popular request, I've now set up a <a href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1806505644&v=info">Facebook profile</a>. Feel free to send me a friend request. However, please don't JUST send me a link to your Facebook profile, and don't JUST "friend" me out of the blue - if you're interested in the position, you have to send me an email so I can keep track of things. Please don't just reply with a bunch of photos. I'm not looking for a model! Please don't reply WITHOUT including a photo. Sorry, I won't be opening any such emails. Promise. This is not a scam, so please don’t write me saying, "I think this is a scam, but I'm applying for the job anyways…" (That doesn’t even make any sense!!!) If you think this is a scam, God bless you, but just don't write me. Please. I'm looking for someone who reads the post and says, "I get it. This will be fun." If that wasn't your reaction, then this gig is not for you. (BTW, what sort of scam could it be, anyways? What's my Evil Master Plan? To lure you to a crowded Starbucks and spill a latte on you? Why??? No wait – DON'T ANSWER THAT. Never mind.) Also, please don't send me hate mail. Really, is there any point? (Okay, if you absolutely MUST send me hate mail, please at least make it direct and to the point. A simple, "I hate you, you are a monster!" will more than suffice.) And finally, just to clear things up, I am NOT actually a doctor. (Several people inquired in their emails.) "Doc" is an old nickname of mine (mostly because I've always had a knack for solving *other* people's problems, strangely enough). Sorry if that was misleading (or if you were trying to hook up with a single doctor). Thank you for reading my novel-length post. The audiobook and Kindle versions will be available soon. Bye! Doc For search: part time, part-time, parttime, sales, acting, actor, actress, model, modeling, Pilates, student, social, pickup, dating, coach, coaching, waitress, dog walker, dogwalker, dog-walker, tutor, dance, dancer, dancing, promotions, promote, promoting, writer, editor, researcher, fact check, factcheck, fact-checker, factcheck, bartender, bartending, interesting, Girl Friday, assistant, personal assistant, Gal Friday, stylist, nanny, housesit, housesitter, housesitter, house sit, house-sit, house-sitter, fact check, factchecker, freelance, copwriter, copyedit, copy edit, copyeditor, copy editor, I can't believe you've read this far, you really really need to move to the next post, look i'm telling you this as a friend, you've got to move on, thank you Lord it's about time <ul> <li> Location: Manhattan/Brooklyn <li> Compensation: $20/hour <li> This is a part-time job. <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-06T15:42:31-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1309403657.html Need Gal for Unique (Legit) Part-Time Position text Generic Sybian Manufacturer http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bln/1308546661.html Reverse engineered a Sybian. Need test riders in the next 30 days. No cameras. No internet BS. No sex acts expected other than with the machine. I don't want to have to watch 400lbs of jello sitting on an industrial strength vibrator. Please don't try to add nausea to what will already be a frustrating experience. Single would probably be a good idea. Shyness is not a quality that would suit you well. Once again, no pics or anything like that. Just ride the S.O.B. and tell me if it works. Interested parties should send a picture. Sorry to seem picky, but I'm the one that's got to sit through this. I should at least get to look at pretty for my frustration. I don't expect testing to take long. It won't be hard to tell if it works or not. If functional, the device should hit ebay within a couple of weeks. If you have security concerns, you're more than welcome to bring backup. Oh yeah. Only 18 or older please. Prison isn't on my list of things to do this year. <ul> <li> Location: Decatur <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-06T05:27:38-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bln/1308546661.html Generic Sybian Manufacturer text I saw that crash on the Taconic last Sunday... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1306619502.html Driver in N.Y. wreck that killed 8 was intoxicated Im sure other people on this board must have seen it as well. I was drvivng home from my summer house upstate. There was a 10 minute rain storm so everyone slowed down, then the rain stopped and everyone sped up again.... Suddenly about a mile from the turn to get on the sawmill, cars just stopped . Brake lights as far as I could see. Stopped in the middle of a three lane highway...There were trees in the median bewtween the north and southbound lanes, and behind the tress was a huge, black plume of smoke going up into the sky. I was on a motorcycle, so i could go between the cars and move up to see what happened. Once I came around the bend, off to the side of the southbound lane, a mini van was upside down, completly engufled in flames. I could feel the heat from the flames as I pulled by. Hundreds of people were running from both sides of the North and South lanes of the Taconic. I pulled over and got off my bike, and try to take in what was happening. The burning mini van was popping and sparking every once in a while, I assume something inside was making small explosions as they caught fire. I pulled behind a white van on the side of the highway, a Chinese man got out and was talking to me but frankly i cant remember a word we said to each other. About 20 feet from the burning mini van, there were clusters of people kneeling around what I assumed were the crash victims. Every 10 feet or so, there was another cluster, kneeling down. Each one had a person pumping the chest of the victims while the other people were helping any way the can. Everyone was running with they're cellphones screaming frantically. I noticed what looked like a station wagon, across the median. The entire front was smashed to the point where you wondered where the hell the engine could have gone. it looked like the cars front began at the front seat. I noticed the cluster of people closest to me, probably 15 feet away, and I saw a pair of tiny blue shorts, and small legs sticking out from the group of people. I knew it was a child, and as the father of a 6 year old daughter, I knew it was a girl. I couldnt see her face, only her blue shorts and her legs. Nothing was moving. A man in a white shirt was pumping her chest, and screaming for help. I thought for a moment of walking over to see what i could do, but it was so chaotic, and there were so many people already. People just abandoned theyre cars on the highway and ran to help. I looked at her legs, and there wasnt a scratch on them. I looked at the man pumping her chest, with the white shirt on. Every so often he'd turn to scream something, and there was no blood on the front of his shirt.I thought about what she may have looked like from the waist up, and I'm really glad I never got to see her face. There was one cop there when I arrived, and you could see on her face, that she was really freaking out. She must have just pulled up before I got there and was assesing the situation. I'll never forget the look of panic on her face. One man ran passed us and got a first aid kit out of his trunk. All this happened in probably 4 minutes. Now you could hear people screaming to get back in they're cars because the fire engines couldn't get through . The fire engine was stuck behind all the cars on the Northbound side. Sirens and lights wailing.. An EMS guy jumped from the fire truck and started running towords the scene, screaming into his walkie. I noticed a man leaning against his car weeping. Total strangers were coming up to him and huggin him, and by his body language and his movements of what he was describing, I knew he was one of the people that pulled these kids out of that burning car. He was inconsolable. So were the people hugging him. I got back on my motorcycle, and turned on to the Sawmill, back to NY. I saw her legs and blue shorts over and over again. i could not get them out of my head. I pulled over a mile down the road, got of my bike and starting crying harder then I've cried in a long time. I've been a New Yorker for 23 years. It takes a lot to shock or disturb us, but holy shit , this disturbed me. It was a horrible thing to see. It's effected me in a surprising way, still is a week later. I have a daughter, and the thought of course thats been running through my head, along with the never ending vision of those little blue shorts, and pale white legs, not moving, it could have been her. In my dreams when i see the man in the white shirt pumping her chest, i walk over and see my daughters face. Not a scratch on her, just eyes closed as if shes sleeping. I imagine thats what that little girl looked like while they were desperatly trying to get her to breathe. I rode by the spot yesterday coming back from upstate again. Theres a big chunk of earth where the mini van rolled and scorched grass where it sat and burned. I thought I saw a cross with some flowers on it , but I wasnt sure. As the facts come out about what really happened, and turns out this woman was drunk, and high, I'm torn between anger and incredible sadness. Anger as an adult and father, who's sole purpose in life is to protect, and teach my child right from wrong. Anger having seen a dead child laying in the middle of the median, knowing that child was probably singing or playing with her doll, having no concept she was going the wrong way on a fucking highway, trusting her mother. Completely innocent. My God, I hope 4 those girls died on impact. Never knowing what hit them. I can honestly say, having sene that wreckage, they must have. Sadness as a husband and father. This man will now have to explain to his only living son, what happened to his mother and his sisters one day. Not to mention the aunts and uncles of the nieces she also killed. If anyone from these shattered families do read this, you have my deepest sympathy . Its little help but try to take some solace in the fact that hundreds, and I mean hundreds of people ran to help as best they could. It was utter chaos, but these people had the instinct and bravery to jump out of theyre cars, and run to a burning car to pull everyone out. They did the best they could with the little they had. It was truly inspiring...... I will NEVER get the image of those little blue shorts, and legs out of my head......I don't have some big message to end on or a moral of any kind. I'm simply getting what I saw off my chest, though it will be with me for the rest of my life. Thanks for listening. Peace <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-05T01:46:21-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1306619502.html I saw that crash on the Taconic last Sunday... text Take advantage of my new lowered standards! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/1304135466.html Are you tired of all those other men who expect an emotional connection? Are you fed up with wasting all your precious time building a rapport before he gives in and sleeps with you? Well, listen up, because I have got a deal for you! For the next 60 minutes, I'll be offering a complete package—that's my full attention, conversation, and uninterrupted alcohol-facilitated sexual contact followed by a late-night cab ride to my place at no cost to you—in exchange for only two drinks and an inquiry into how my night is going. This is the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have your lazy eye and bad breath ignored that you can't afford to miss! Act now to take full advantage of this poor lighting and a temporary lapse in judgment! I've slashed my hopes for finding Ms. Right and adjusted my height, weight, and personal-hygiene requirements to their most pathetically flexible yet. This is the drop in self- respect you've been waiting for, so why not pull up a bar stool and tell me about your latest shopping excursion? For a limited time, I will even pretend I find this subject matter positively riveting! It takes absolutely no sincerity to get started, and if you are not completely satisfied with how sexually promiscuous I seem in the first 15 minutes, I'll throw in a misleading and clearly desperate suggestion of bisexuality—absolutely free! But wait, there's more! You'll also receive a lifetime's supply of low self-esteem compensated for with disproportionate displays of affection just for trying! How on earth can I offer my still-attractive 28-year-old frame and college education at these low, low standards, you ask? I'll tell you how: by cutting out the unnecessary criteria standing between you and that feeling- me-up-next-to-the-jukebox opportunity you've been hoping for all night. I'm standing by to take your leering glances, and I've reduced my needs to levels unheard-of for anyone under the age of 50! Now there's nothing keeping you from enjoying what literally hundreds of women could also enjoy if they try a moment before you do. I've got a surplus of romantic disappointments, so all remaining shreds of dignity must go! Now, I know some men might try to get you to buy into pointless, time-consuming schemes like discussing the music playing in the bar or your respective STD statuses, but not me a half hour before closing time at Jack of the Wood! I recently found out my ex-girlfriend is getting married, and I'm transferring that hopelessness directly on to you—the good people who haven't left with someone else yet. Hairy thighs?? One-bedroom apartment with dad? No hablas inglés? If you've got a minute to speak to me and a pulse, let's make a deal and get me inside you immediately. I'm practically giving myself away! How much would you give for this unique opportunity to have such awkward, emotionally deficient, anonymous sex with me that I'll begin to regret it as it's happening? Fifteen minutes of your time? Twenty minutes? Twenty-five minutes? Whatever's better for you. I just want to get this over with. <ul> <li> Location: Asheville <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-03T17:54:22-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/1304135466.html Take advantage of my new lowered standards! text Wanted - Rollerskating waitresses http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/1303723482.html Ok.. this is going to sound a little crazy...but here's the deal. I'm turning 40, and I live downtown in a loft...and I'm having a huge party....no, I mean a HUGE party....I'm expecting 100 people and a lot of shit talking. Since I'm world famous for my parties (it's my ad, I can make shit up).. I'm really trying to out do myself. Therefore, I though it would be cool to have roller skating waitresses (since the loft has cement floors)...to skate around and hand out h'ordourves to all the cats that attend this bash. so.. I'm looking for friendly, outgoing..and somewhat sexy roller skating models (I mean this is LA.. I'm not that out of control)...to mingle and flirt with my guests and generally have a good time. I can guarantee you that this is the baddest party you will ever attend...let alone work.. and since my friends are mostly broke motherfuckers.. they are going to eat all the food in the first 90 mins... so you will then be getting paid to skate and drink and crash into my furniture.... This party is happening on August 29th, 2009 here's what matters: 1) you have a sense of humor. I'm like hella sarcastic and so are most of my peeps.. if you can't take a joke...it's gonna suck. 2) You need to look good in a skirt. Look I'll be honest.. I only turn 40 once.. and I'm planning on destroying most of my ability to remember what the fuck happened (esp. if the cops come)..but it would be nice to be in awe of how awesome you look in a skirt... 3) You must be sane. Don't get me wrong.. I love crazy women.. almost married one...but not drunk on skates in my house. 4) You must have some cool friends... cause if you get this gig.. I'll ask you to invite some of your peeps (cause the more the merrier and I think it'll be less weird...if there are some people there that you know. 5) you have to have you own skates (ok.. I realize this is not the 70's.. and this is the film industry.. .if you are really interested.. I can find you a pair of skates.....but the looking hot in a skirt thing is still non-negiotable) please respond with your name, age, city you live in, recent pic and your personal assessment of your roller skating abilities. Also, sexy comes in a lot of flavors...so just believe in yourself... if I was looking to book a 6 pack of well endowed blondes...I would have stated that in my ad. laters <ul> <li> Location: Downtown <li> Compensation: $20/hr...two hr min... 5 hr max <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-03T11:34:58-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/1303723482.html Wanted - Rollerskating waitresses text To the beautiful woman, from the lecherous middle-aged cat caller - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1302850026.html You were the attractive woman in her teens. I was the unattractive older man who you walked by on the sidewalk. I was the one who shouted, "Wanna know what it feels like to be a woman? I've got what you need girl!" Or something to that effect. Then I think I hip thrusted a few times, laughed, and high-fived the guys with me. I would like to apologize for my rude and unacceptable behavior. I've never been very good with women. The guys with me were good people, but most of us have been hurt terribly in the past by our girlfriends and wives, so we've rationalized our failures and bad upbringing by embracing a chauvinistic, male dominant ideal. As for myself, I'm afraid I have come to embody my father, who's love I always sought even though he consistently beat and humiliated my mother. For perpetuating a terrible male stereotype and allowing this crime to continue into my generation, I am absolutely and eternally sorry. I just want you to know, that while I find you very attractive and acted crudely and violently to indicate my favor, it was not a personal attack. In the only way I had been taught, I was trying to tell you that I thought you were beautiful. I'm sorry that I took away your smile. I'm sorry that I objectified you. This life I've built for myself will leave me unhappy and alone. In my later years, I will atone for my sins in solitude. But for now, without the will to change and without the courage to challenge my nature, all I have to offer you is this anonymous apology. It is sincere, and while I do not expect you to forgive me, I ask only that you try to understand. Though my nature is wretched, and my actions are cruel, underneath I am just a frightened boy. Just a boy who was taught to be the wrong kind of man. I wish you happiness and prosperity young lady. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-02T22:48:54-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1302850026.html To the beautiful woman, from the lecherous middle-aged cat caller - m4w text Lesbianism in Cincinnati http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cin/1302135864.html 1. If you are under under 30, you must wear men's shorts, a polo shirt (popped collar optional), Air Jordan's, and either a backwards baseball cap or a bandana. If you are over 30, you may keep the shorts and polo, but you must trade in your Jordans for some really awful sandals. You must also tuck in your polo shirt and wear your cellphone clipped to your belt. 2. If you are under 30, you can hang out at Bronz, the Dock, or Yadda. If you are under 40, you can hang out at Blue Bar. If you're 40+, you are hereby banished to Rosie's. 3. If you are reading this, I probably know you. You are either my ex, my ex's ex, a friend's ex, an ex's friend, or someone I met off of here and eventually quit talking to (or who quit talking to me after they started dating my ex, or my friend, or my friend's ex, or my ex's ex...) 4. You must complain about how all of the hot chicks are straight. You must also brag about your conquests over the straight girls. 5. You must be vegetarian or vegan. If you aren't, you've at least tried it once. 6. You must own either a cat or a dog. Most likely, you own both. 7. If you live a half an hour or more outside of the city, you inevitably don't have a car. You will always only date women who drive because they will always have to drive your ass around. 8. At some point, you've probably dated someone from Dayton, Lexington, or Louisville because you were tired of the lack of lesbians in Cincinnati. 9. You either despise Wal-Mart or you love it. There is no in-between. 10. You complain about how no one ever approaches you, yet you've never tried approaching anyone either. 11. You claim to not like butch girls, but you only date butch girls. 12. There are only 10 hot lesbians in Cincinnati. They all know each other and they only date within their circle. Good luck breaking into it. 13. Either you love going to the bars because you're in a clique, or you hate going because everywhere is too clique-y. 14. Lesbians over 40 all look exactly the same. I'm not sure how you find your friends in Rosie's. It must get confusing when you walk in on a crowded night. Oh, and apparently mullets are still acceptable as long as you're over 50. 15. There are only two kinds of lesbians. "Ghetto" lesbians and "non-conformist"/artist/musician/activist lesbians. Choose wisely which one you will become, as once you've made your choice, you may only associate with lesbians of the same species. 16. I'm not sure if there is a rule that states that at least 90% of a city's lesbian population must be overweight or not. If there is, Cincinnati definitely meets those requirements. 17. If you were offended by #16, you are a lesbian. If you thought it was funny, you're bi (and therefore shallow). 18. If you laughed at the ending remark in #17, you're a lesbian. Everyone knows that Cincinnati lesbians have it out for the bi girls. You've probably also assumed that the mystery author of this post is a shallow, narcissistic, bi girl. Nope. I'm just a lesbian with a sense of humor. 19. The activist in you refuses to laugh at any of this and is tempted to flag it. 20. If you are under 30, you must have a tattoo. If you are over 30, you probably have at least one, but any that you do have are probably awful. It's highly likely that there is a wolf tattooed on you somewhere. 21. If you are butch, you claim not to be butch. You probably say something to the extent of "I don't like subscribing to any labels. I'm just me." I'm sorry honey, but you're butch. Get over it. You get all of the hot girls anyway. 22. You must be best friends with your ex and then forever be jealous of anyone they date after you. 23. You've been cheated on. Fact: every lesbian in Cincinnati has been cheated on. 24. Even if you never graduated, you probably went to school for art, criminal justice, or political science. 25. At some point you either worked at Applebee's, UDF, some sort of place involving animals (ie: vet clinic, shelter, etc.), or were a security guard. 26. If you're from Ohio, you drink a lot of tea. If you're from Kentucky, you drink a lot of beer. 27. All lesbians in Cincinnati dance exactly the same way. 28. There are only two genres of music. Hip hop or Ani. 29. "Friends with benefits" always comes with some sort of emotional attachment. 30. Scarves: No longer a winter accessory. Now a year-round fashion statement! 31. There is a very real chance that your name is Amy, Amber, April, Jessica, Sara/h, or Nikki. Feel free to send me suggestions for adding to the list. Or to send me hate-mail. Either way, it's nice to have new messages in my inbox =) <ul> <li> Location: Cincinnati <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-02T16:05:27-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cin/1302135864.html Lesbianism in Cincinnati text Keyword happy jerks http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1301926277.html I am giving fair warning to all that I will be flagging people who post ads that list ridiculous keywords. I am tired of this shit. I am legitimately looking for a place to live and these posts are getting in the way of my search. I am looking for a specific place to live and your trash ads pop up every time. Obviously, that pisses me off. An example is given below: This ad is for people interested in 1BR, 2BR, 3BR, 4BR, 5BR, 6BR, 7BR, 8 BR, 98112, 98122, 98105, 98103, Capitol Hill, Capital Hill, First Hill, First Hill, Beacon Hill, Queen Anne, Fremont, Wallingford, University District, University of Washington, UW, apartment, condo, bedroom, room, townhouse, U-Village, U-District, Madrona, Laurelhurst, Downtown, Belltown, Leschi, Madison Park, Eastlake, Westlake, Seattle School district, University of Washington, Seattle Pacific University, Garfield High School, Hamilton International Middle School, John Hanford International Elementary, Garfield High School - Accelerated Progress Program for especially gifted students, interstate 5, I5, I-5, 5, I-90, I-405, Hamlin, Roanoke, Eastlake Ave, Fairview Ave, 5th Ave Theatre, University Village, Starbucks, Voxx, Innovative Fitness, Broadway Video, Fairview Park, Gas Works, Whole Foods, Trader Joes, Quick Stop Grocery, Lake Union, Seattle Center, EMP, Seattle Art Museum, Greenlake Golf course, Seattle Center, Queen Anne Pool, Seahawks, Sonics, Microsoft, Amazon, Public Transit, Seattle Streetcar, Sea-Tac, Bellevue, Renton, Auburn, Kirkland, Issaquah, Vancouver, Portland, Spokane, Outback, Red Robin, Harborview Medical Center, Bank of America, Northeast, East of Lake Union, Pacific Place, Nordstrom, Macys, cats, dogs, cat, dog, rabbits, reptiles, birds, pet friendly, new property, YMCA, city hall, Main Street, bus, bus station, train, train station, Amtrak, airport, public library, library, fire station, hospital, police department, night life, nightlife, bar, club, golf, room, 1x1, 2x2, 2x1, laundry, W/D, wd, D/W, dw, I mean, seriously? Whoever posted this should be dragged out into the streets and shot while everyone claps and cheers. So, said poster, you should realize that you are not going to find a tenant unless you stop pulling shit like this. In fact, I stop looking at ads immediately if I see this. I guess some landlords posting on here don’t realize that not only are they placing ad to rent out an apartment but they are also making a first impression on a potential renter. I would not, under any circumstances, want to rent a place from someone who posts and ad like that. You can flag my ad if you want, but I am just trying to be a fair person. I am giving prior warning to the brainless fuckers out there that think it is okay to do things like this. If you flag it, they will not receive this message. Good luck to those of you that are looking for an apartment/house. <ul> <li> Location: Seattle <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-02T10:55:29-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1301926277.html Keyword happy jerks text FIREWOOD "Notice to Pennsylvania Firewood Buyers" http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/alt/1301805336.html Firewood Firewood is sold by a measurement called the “cord.” A cord is 128 cubic feet of firewood. To be sure you have a cord, stack and measure the wood. For example, a cord of firewood can be stacked into a pile that is: 4 feet wide, 4 feet high and 8 feet long (4 x 4 x 8 = 128); or 2 feet wide, 4 feet high and 16 feet long (2 x 4 x 16 = 128). A cord of wood can be stacked in other arrangements as long as the width times the height multiplied by the length (all in feet) equals 128 cubic feet. Ensure you’re getting what you pay for by: • Not buying from sellers using terms like “truckload,” “face cord,” “rack” or “pile.” • Asking the seller to stack the wood (you may have to pay extra for this service) or stack the wood yourself. • Getting a receipt showing the seller’s name, address and phone number, the price, and the amount and kind of wood. Record the license number of the delivery vehicle. • Measuring the wood pile before using any wood. Photograph it if you think it measures less than a cord. • Contacting the seller before burning any wood if you feel there is a problem. If the problem cannot be resolved, contact your weights and measures office before burning any wood. <ul> <li> Location: Lehigh Valley <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-02T12:40:40-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/alt/1301805336.html FIREWOOD "Notice to Pennsylvania Firewood Buyers" text CHEROKEE BOY WHO HATES CHILDREN http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/okc/1301201987.html This is a REAL quest for love from a Cherokee boy that lives in the central Oklahoma metro area. I am going to say whatever I want to say, not only in this letter, but during the relationship as well. I am doing this because love is accepting EVERYTHING about the person. There may be times of disagreement in love, but its love, real true love, then the disagreement will never outweigh or change the fact that u still love that person with all your heart mind and soul. Although I’m extremely handsome and attractive, I am purposely not including a picture in my post, because I want you to read all of it and respond to me because you accept my personality. Not my fantastic physical features. Real love is all about loving that persons personality. I have a ton of photos that I can send, soon after I get an email stating that you’re interested in me and that you accept my personality. If I even get 1 legit response to my post, I will respond with the intent of loving you forever and ever. Don’t step to me if you’re not ready for the same. If you have any questions, then you’re welcome to respond as well with your queries, but if u disagree with me and don’t think you can handle me, then please don’t even reply. The following letter contains info about me, followed by 2 categories. What my necessities are in a girl, and what would be beneficial in a girl. Please continue reading only if you’re wanting to experience real Cherokee love with the best lover in the world. Let me begin by saying that I am very, very, very, serious about love. I am the best lover in the world. Ill put myself up against anybody. Nobody is as good as me on a passionate level. I am the cockiest person you will ever meet, and I deserve the right to be cocky because I am the best. Everyone is NOT equal. If everyone was equal, then why fall for anyone who wants to love you? Im far far above everyones level of love. My love skills are proof of that. I was raised to believe I am better than everyone else, but that’s not the reason why I know its true. I know its true because it has been proven to me time after time that nobody can handle me on a passionate or emotional level. I am the best. Period. If u cant handle my cockiness or u arent ready to experience love with the best lover in the world, then please discontinue reading immediately. I already know for a fact that nobody is worthy of my love, but if I didn’t atleast attempt to allow someone to love me, then I would be doing a disservice to myself as an American Indian. Although nobody is worthy of my love and its automatically unfair to me on a moral level to downgrade myself and attempt to give my love to anyone due to me being above everyones level; it would also be a waste of your time when u realize that your just not good enough for me and you cant handle me. each and every girl has left me and has openly admitted that I am the best and they just arent good enough for me. they have all left me because they loved me so much and fell for me so hard, that they would rather lose me than continue living under the fact that they arent good enough for me and that I deserve somebody better. My response to them doing this is…”its ok honey, nobody is good enough for me or worth of me, so we might as well stay together because its not like anyone else is going to be able to handle me anyways” and they still leave me due to the proven fact that im just too darn good of a lover. So yes, I already realize that nobody is worthy of my love and its downgrading me just to ever attempt to love somebody because nobody is worthy of it, but like I said, theres still the tiniest bit of curiosity left in my mind about whether someone would ever live, love, and support me to the degree that my parents have done to me. I don’t need anyone. I will sit in my backyard and stare and the sky every night and be entire content. I never get lonely because the Cherokee Spirit is always with me. This attempt at love is not to solve loneliness, because as I just said, I never get lonely due to my Native spirituality. This is nothing more than a mere attempt to solve my curiosity about the potential of someone out there accepting me for all of my disabilities and opposing Indigenous beliefs. You must accept how good I am. you must always feel that you are the lucky one to have me. you have to feel sorry for me because of the way I have been treated due to my ethnicity and opposing beliefs, but at the same time you must also continuously worship me and realize how great of lover I am and how lucky you are to have me. I feel sorry for every girl in the world, because there are so many girls in the world, that only a small percentage of girls on earth with be able to experience love with me, the best lover in the world. But as already stated, if none of them can handle or are worthy of me anyways, then whats the point of allowing any of them the privaledge of loving me. love is really a negative equation for me any way you look at it; and that’s why I strongly suggest that everyone fall in love with a sport or some type of inanimate object that you can control. Love is dealing with another persons mind, and therefore you don’t have any control. I am all about control, and I WILL control you if you are with me. I have to be in control. If I ever see or hear u doing anything that I disagree with, or would jeopardize your health, then I am going to give you a piece of my mind because its my responsibility as your lover to care for your well being. I WILL be a daddy to you because you are my baby. Just call me daddy. I have no family. ALL of my family is dead. All I have is my biological mother and father. Sometimes I tell myself that I should wait until my parents are both dead until I search for love, because any love at this point in time is reducing the amount of time that I have left with my parents. I believe the Spirit will provide me with a lover only if he wants me to have one, and at the correct time that he wants me to have one. I will probably be more eager in my quest for love when both of parents are dead, because I will then have nobody except the Cherokee Spirit to love me; although nobody will ever take my parents place. Before I state my wants and needs in a girls, I suppose I still need to expose my financial, occupational, and psychological status. Once again, real love is all about acceptance. Accepting that person for their abilities and disabilities, no matter how severe. I have a severe social, occupational, financial, ethnic, political, psychological disability. My disability is caused from 2 things that I have absolutely no control over. The 1st reason is that I’m a Native ethnic minority living among white society. The 2nd reasoning is that I’m more talented than everyone else. People don’t like it when you’re better than them, therefore they hate on me. everyone is jealous of me because I am athletically and ethnically superior to them. so I have developed a ton of haters all around the united states, and also globally, that are jealous of the fact that I am athletically, passionately, and ethnically superior to them. these haters are not only a problem for me in daily life, but also in the workforce. I do NOT work. I will never work or be able to keep a job. But the government does pay me a grant in the mail due to my haters constantly hating on me and preventing me from getting and keeping a job. So, I am not poor because I live off the white government (the same people that have hated on me to begin with) and you won’t have to spend every penny you have just because I cant make it on my own. I can make it on my own. But I will NOT support you financially. U hold your own and I hold my own. you will always pay for your half, and you’re welcome to pay for my half if you wish, but I will NEVER pay for your half. Never. you should enjoy being in my presence, and enjoy the time and activities that we do together, not the fact that I payed for what we were doing. This is why I will NEVER pay for your half. I will pay for myself and myself only, because the way I see it is, if you were by yourself, then u would have to pay for yourself anyways, and if u gave a damn about me or enjoyed being with me, then you will still pay for yourself similar to how you would If you were alone, only it’s being in my presence is as improvision to being alone if you REALLY loved me and cared about me. so, either you can pay for yourself and be alone, or you can pay for yourself while in my presence while we’re loving each other. Either way, u pay for yourself. Your either alone, or your with the best lover in the whole wide world while your paying for yourself. I will end my posting with telling u my rules for what u must be, in order of importance. 1. You must have a strong hatred for children. U must not be a parent, expecting, or had any previous pregnancies. U also must never want kids. Ever. 2. You must NOT be white or asian. Any other race is fine. My race is Cherokee. 3. You must NOT be obese. U don’t have to be skinny, but if u disrespect your body, that means you’re going to disrespect me as well. 4. You must be between the ages of 18 and 40. 5. You must be completely realize that your dealing with the best lover in the world, and you must love me and respect me until the day that u, or I, die. Till death do us part. Thank you for reading my post, and thank you for being either the love of my life, or just another person who has discriminated against me for being a better ethnic lover and having opposing passionate desires. <ul> <li> Location: CENTRAL OKLAHOMA <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-01T20:59:09-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/okc/1301201987.html CHEROKEE BOY WHO HATES CHILDREN text Evolution of a pet ad http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mad/1299168393.html Week 1: Ad #1 Purebread Yorkie puppies for sale 6 weeks old 3 girls @ $450 2 boys @ $400!! Parents on site! Hurry these won't last!!! Week 2: Ad #2 Purebred Yorkie puppies for rehoming - eating solid food - rehoming fee applies 2 girls 2 boys!! Parents on site. These are going fast!!! Week 3: Ad #3 Please don't flag this ad - I'm not a breeder. Purebred Yorkie puppies for adoption - 8 weeks old - email about rehoming fee. 2 girls 1 boy. Week 4: Ad #4 YOU IDIOTS ON THE CL POLICE NEED TO GET A LIFE. I AM NOT A BREEDER. IF THESE PUPPIES END UP IN THE POUND ITS YOUR FAULT. Purebred Yorkie puppies for adoption - 9 weeks old - email about rehoming fee. 1 girl 1 boy. Week 6: Ads # 5 and 6 (posted a day apart) Purebred Yorkie puppy for adoption - 10 weeks old - female. I have to rehome because of allergies. Rehoming fee does apply. To a good home only. Yorkie puppy for rehoming - 10 weeks old - male. I have to rehome because I'm moving. I hate to see this one go - rehoming fee applies to ensure a good home. Week 7: Ad #7 Pure Heart Rescue: 11 week old owner surrender purebred male Yorkie puppy. He is UTD on his shots and neutered. A vet reference and a home visit is required. Re-homing fee: $100. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-31T15:16:44-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mad/1299168393.html Evolution of a pet ad text We met behind the dumpster at the Husky Station - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1297013842.html First of all, I'm sorry for walking in on you like that; Though one of the hazards of relieving yourself in public is the lack of privacy. Maybe next time you could whistle or something so people can't just walk up on you like that. I thought you were cute from the start. I liked the way your face was scrunched as you tried to force out that last nugget. It was really quite endearing, and I wish I'd had the time to admire you just a little longer. The way you screamed at me, I can tell you're a confident, self-assured woman that has more experience than her young, softly-soiled skin lets on. I know you can't be much more than 20, but I could swear that you have the maturity of a much, much older woman. Finally, the way that you used your foot to brush your excrement under the dumpster showed just what a classy, courteous woman you are. Most people wouldn't even take the time or concern to even cover their mess up, let alone move it away. But not you; You're a real lady. In any case, you can usually find me at the Swiss Chalet between 1 and 3 most days, picking some lunch out of the trash receptacles (all you can eat lunches make for some good pickins.) Come on by and we'll split a salad (And maybe butter up a breadstick too!) <ul> <li> Location: Abbotsford <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-30T09:56:40-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1297013842.html We met behind the dumpster at the Husky Station - m4w text sturdy chassis, lightly used (but highly driven) seeks new prospects. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/saf/1296295384.html <table border="0"> <tr> <td><h3>Manufacture </h3> </td> <td>Made in Atlanta, GA, 1968</td> </tr> <tr> <td> <h3> Odometer </h3> </td> <td>14,600 days</td> </tr> <tr> <td><h3> Hybrid Fuel Technology </h3> </td> <td>pepperoni vegetarian</td> </tr> <tr> <td> <h3>MPG (my preferred ground) </h3></td> <td>9% urban, 91% elsewhere</td> </tr> <tr> <td> <h3>Audio System </h3></td> <td>one exceptional speaker, sensitive receiver, multiple frequency scan </td> </tr> <tr> <td> <h3>STANDARD FEATURES </h3> <hr></td> <td> <h3>67 POINT PRE-OWNED CERTIFIED INSPECTION </h3> <hr></td> </tr> <tr> <td><ul> <li> hair conditioning </li> <li> "your turn" signals </li> <li> cat allergic converter </li> <li> self-starter </li> <li> vibram treads </li> <li> not much of an airbag </li> <li> rack and piñon</li> <li> minimum idle talk </li> <li>internal navigation</li> <li>love compartment</li> </ul></td> <td><ul> <li> power staring fluid </li> <li> fool filter </li> <li> recognition switch </li> <li> pistons (and pissed offs) </li> <li> gimme a break fluid </li> <li> hair filter </li> <li>no power strain</li> <li> drama-free </li> <li> smoke-free </li> <li> drug-free </li> <li> disease-free </li> </ul></td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan="2"> <h3>OPTIONAL PACKAGES </h3> <hr></td> </tr> <tr> <td> <h3>Off-Road Accessories</h3> add-ons for exploring the outdoors— camping, snowshoeing, hiking, stargazing, photographing </td> <td><h3>Sub-Woofer</h3> complements the role of man's best friend with leash, extra water, noseprinted windows, and scattered hair for added comfort. Wet dog scent additional charge. </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan="2"><h3> MINIMUM DEMOGRAPHICS FOR SUCCESSFUL PROSPECTS </h3> <hr></td> </tr> <tr> <td> <h3>Physical </h3></td> <td>Y chromosome; over 5'7"; fit width of coach airline seat; 30’s-40’s</td> </tr> <tr> <td> <h3>Cultural </h3></td> <td>adherence to strong moré / value system; interest in the arts, reading, travel, South Park; acting goofy/corny with kids AND adults </td> </tr> <tr> <td> <h3>Economic </h3></td> <td>FT employed and/or financially stable</td> </tr> <tr> <td> <h3>Intellectual </h3></td> <td>110% neurons firing; literate; creative; witty banter</td> </tr> <tr> <td> <h3>Spiritual </h3></td> <td>Introspective and centered; disbelief that some guy 2000 years ago died for your sins. </td> </tr> </table><hr> Photo ID required with detailed application. All creative responses will be responded to in a timely manner. (Try to avoid the obvious hose, pump, and purring jokes.) Since I have subsequently recieved a wide range of responses, please realize I made the effort to set myself apart from others, so try to do the same for yourself. And for those of you who are a tad jaded and have the impression that I'm soliciting something: (a) you're way off base; (b) click on that handy back button. <ul> <li> Location: City Different <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-29T21:27:57-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/saf/1296295384.html sturdy chassis, lightly used (but highly driven) seeks new prospects. text You're the Hasidic Jew who tried to kill me. I'm the girl on the bike. - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1295924472.html Dear Sir. We had our encounter on Bedford Avenue this afternoon, just south of Division. I was the petite brunette in a white sundress, riding a red road bike in the rain; you were the Hasidic gentleman (and I use the term loosely) in a blue SUV who came up on my back wheel, honking, and attempted to run me out of the bike lane before swerving directly in front of me and pulling up to the curb ahead. You refused to roll down your window and talk to me after this incident, leaving me to shout, "That's against the law" at the rain-streaked glass and then continue home. And while it *is* against the law -- both the laws that govern New York City drivers, and also those that govern general human decency -- what I really wanted to say to you was simultaneously less accusatory and more important. This is it. I know that the bike lanes aren't great. You may not believe it, but cyclists don't like riding next to you anymore than you like sharing the road with us. Given the choice between inhaling your exhaust and pedaling blithely down a forested greenway, I'd always take the latter. I also know that presence of cyclists on busy streets can make driving in the city even more nerve-wracking than usual, and that some of us antagonize the shit out of drivers by disobeying traffic laws, failing to signal, and generally acting like we own the road (I am not one of these, but that is beside the point). And I completely understand if, at this point, you start hyperventilating at the mere sight of a bike with which you have to share the road. I empathize; I have a car, too. It sucks. I know. Nevertheless, we can't all live in Amsterdam, and the frustrations of sharing the road with me do not change the facts: You are in a car, and I am not. You are protected from collisions by airbags, fenders, and a steel cage; I'm not. You are piloting a one-ton pile of steel; I am piloting something that weighs as much as a dog. (Not even a big dog -- we're talking Welsh Corgi, here.) And if your frustrations at sharing the road get the better of you, and you want to get in a fight with me, sir, there is no doubt whatsoever that you will win. You'll win... and, in all likelihood, I'll be dead. This is what I wanted to say to you: You may not like cyclists, and that's fine. But you have a responsibility to the human race, and I don't cease to exist the second I step off my bike. I am someone's wife. I am someone's sister. I am someone's daughter. And if you have any of those things -- a spouse, a sibling, a child -- do me this favor. Picture them. Imagine yourself on your way to meet your wife for lunch; imagine yourself waiting for your daughter to come home from school. Now, imagine getting a phone call, hearing the voice on the other end telling you that that person -- the person you love -- is dead, because some asshole in an Audi thought her life was less important than waiting another five seconds to park his car. This has been a public service announcement from the U.S. Department of Please Don't Kill Other Human Beings. <ul> <li> Location: south williamsburg <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-29T19:01:33-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1295924472.html You're the Hasidic Jew who tried to kill me. I'm the girl on the bike. - w4m text Just a Simple Question http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1294538481.html I was injured by a Crest Spin-Brush prototype. It put me out of work for six weeks. I'm a contract programmer by trade. It's a substantial amount of damages. I could try to 'find' a lawyer in the area who'd take my case, but then, that would be time on my side. I've got till the new year to file, basically. I've got the original evidence (the toothbrush) which Crest has requested, but my previous legal advice advised not to supply (which I agree with). The long and short of the defect is that the glue failed with baking soda toothpaste, and the bristles fell out out be so many little nylon darts that all wanted to go in their 'direction' (into my lungs). I inhaled some bristles, and I spent six weeks digesting/coughing them out (nobody really knows for sure where they 'went'). I'm pretty sure that the way it works is that digestive enzymes can denigrate nylon, and did. In any event, it was a 'blurb' on my earnings and health expenses, not my fault, and I'd like it back. Now, my *main* problem is that I'm in the armpit of CA (Ukiah) and I've not *got* a whole lot of top-notch legal eagles available (my previous person got a scheduling problem, and the other two I've tried here weren't to my standards). Basically, these guys (Crest) have *already* admitted fault (known defect of the original 'Dr. Johns' product), and they know the batch numbers, and they are obvious (I can send you a picture of any part you'd like). I spent six weeks hacking up what felt like fishhooks stuck in my throat. I didn't get a bit of REM sleep during that period, and became nearly psychotic. I had three instances where large objects got stuffed down my throat (two while conscious, and the third had multiple items stuck down every possible path--to no avail). I can describe in lurid detail all sorts of really *gross* things about the way a bit of nylon stuck between your vocal chords and your esophagus feels like. I *don't* want to ever re-visit those memories again. I'd like to have a lawyer who could ream these assholes (I've *tried* to work with them, but their 'work' is only stalling and trying to get the evidence). So, I figured, "craigslist" (of course!), reverse it. This is about as cut-and-dried a case as you might get, but w/o the magic 'legal' letterhead, no cash will flow from Crest. I say, "Take a freakin' bulldozer to the dam, boys!" So, I was negotiating with them for damages. If 'triple-damages' exist in this state, and you can get me my damages w/o court, demand double damages, and keep the rest. If we have to go to court, demand triple and keep the rest. I'm pissed, and I'm lazy, and craigslist seems a whole bunch better than trying to call you all individually. Byte me, Crest. <ul> <li> Compensation: standard legal fees <li> Telecommuting is ok. <li> This is a part-time job. <li> This is a contract job. <li> OK to highlight this job opening for persons with disabilities <li>OK for recruiters to contact this job poster. <li>Phone calls about this job are ok. <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-28T21:17:57-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1294538481.html Just a Simple Question text Me: wanting to buy cheap sod You: selling sod but not answering emails - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1293558452.html You posted an ad that promised nice sod at a great price. I responded promptly, excited that your offer and my need of cheap sod could coincide so conveniently. Obviously we're made for one another! Then I checked my email every hour on the hour, anxiously awaiting your response. I never got one! How could that happen? I sent another e-mail and then, just to make sure, I tested both e-mail addresses to make sure they were working. Well, they are! Yet here I sit, still waiting for a response to no avail. What gives?! Do you have cheap sod or not? Are you just using Craigslist to test the waters and see if you've "still got it" sod-wise? Are you just some sod-bot and not a real person? Was my need for sod somehow not enough for you? Was it because I'm seeking an NSA (Need Sod ASAP) relationship with a sod purveyor and you're looking more for an LTR (Lawn Term Relationship)? Now I feel like I'm in the lawncare version of "He's Just Not That Into You." Do I send yet another email or would that seem "psycho" at this point? Are you not responding to any emails or is it just me? All I want is some freaking grass on my freaking black dirt at a good price. Well, if I don't hear from you today I'm moving on. I've got needs, and obviously you're either not serious or you're picky about who gets a piece of your grass. I didn't even mention it in my email but if you'd answered you'd have found out I have plenty of bare patches for some lucky sod guy. But I guess someone else will get to lay those. <ul> <li> Location: My bare dirt patches <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-28T13:15:49-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1293558452.html Me: wanting to buy cheap sod You: selling sod but not answering emails - w4m text Oh Dearest Emaciated, Sexy, Trader Joe's Employee - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/orc/1292802178.html Errands suck. So does navigating the throngs of bourgeois blondes, sand all up in my a*s, just to get some darn challah. Alas, the day, winding down to its dismal end, was all but elevated to heavenly heights by the pasty, awkward, sous (sous, sous, sous) chef a la tiki hut at the back of the store. Dear Employee, there you were: the proverbial tofu of a deep fried wanton; concocting some vaguely Asian inspired dish, abiding by your charitable duties to feed the rich and hungry. Far from famished, I couldn't help but be drawn to your tray. But more precisely, enticed by your dubious and slightly unhygienic demeanor. What can I say, I like 'em dirty. And it's such a respite to see someone who doesn't give a sh*t...and may just go out of his way to be as gross as possible. Friendliness is not one of my organic attributes, so I was taken aback by the compliment you paid me. I think I said something about being gross because I just came from the beach. I'm not a receptacle for kind words so I hope you dig self-effacing witticisms. You're not gorgeous or anything but damn, you're skinny, deliciously awkward, and an endearingly poor conversationalist. You remind me of a less megalomaniacal Ahmadinejad. I could say a breath of fresh air but, surely, if I'm to win your heart, "fresh" isn't the desired adjective. While it's no doubt your TJ duty to be unabashedly nice to patrons, there's a tiny/big part of me that secretly/openly hopes you'd want to indulge in your employment place's namesake and, umm, do some Trading of our own. We should drink sangria in the park. Maybe take some ketamine and practice making babies. Because you are lovely. Probably f*cked up, but lovely nonetheless. So here I go, throwing it out into the cyber universe. If you think this is you, write back with what you told me. We have but a few days to fall in then out of love. <ul> <li> Location: bread aisle <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-27T23:50:41-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/orc/1292802178.html Oh Dearest Emaciated, Sexy, Trader Joe's Employee - w4m text i need help moving my chickens http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/hou/1290743016.html I have approximately 1,243 chickens that need to be transported, i began my journey with my mini van but just was not working out, too many trips and too much shit and feathers, and with no ac it makes it very difficult when constantly tempted to roll the windows down, and because doing it all by hand i have lost 1 out of 4 chickens with my first 3 trips. if you have reasonable transportation for this chicken operation plz let me know. thank you. -Matt <ul> <li> Location: Pearland <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: no pay </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-26T23:04:58-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/hou/1290743016.html i need help moving my chickens text re: bisexuals http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1290058777.html Lesbians like sushi and bisexuals like hot dogs and sushi. Lesbians would never be interested in eating hot dogs. A lesbian can eat sushi all day every day and never consider hot dogs. In fact, lesbians can never eat too much sushi. A bisexual can go without sushi, then really miss the feel and taste of sushi, because there is nothing like sushi. Then they go out and get some sushi. They swear they can go without hot dogs, because sushi is so much better. They start to eat sushi all day every day. The lesbian continues to do the same. Then one day the sushi is a little stale and the bisexual remembers how hot dogs are different. She didn't have that problem with hot dogs, at least not that she can remember. Eating hot dogs was easier and less complicated. The lesbian does not start to crave a hot dog when this happens. The lesbian knows she only likes sushi, so even though it got stale, she is still focused only on the sushi. She wants the sushi to get better, because she knows really great sushi is hard to find. The bisexual won't try as hard to figure out why the sushi got stale. Sooner or later she will do what is easier. She will go out for a hot dog. There are hot dogs on every corner and she knows she'll have a few to choose from soon enough. Perhaps she will just have hot dogs for a long time or will try some hot dog rolls or sushi dogs. This is why I prefer lesbians. The only problem is that they may go out for some completely different sushi, thinking that the new sushi will be different. But at least they are aren't out eating hot dogs. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-26T12:29:06-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1290058777.html re: bisexuals text Woodchuck - Groundhog Meat - free http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/grr/1289301464.html We have a very fat, adult woodchuck/groundhog that has decimated our pole bean crop and consumed, in one 24 hour period, our entire broccoli patch, leaving empty broccoli stems as a stark reminder of what might have been. The animal has been fed organic garden vegetables all summer to date, so I guess you could say he is "organic", for the sake of those interested in organic foods. Pasture raised too, as he's been grazing on the lawn, and probably helping our pet hen (who lives in the same area) eat her organic feed. Like I said, a well fed groundhog. We have a live-trap set this evening (Saturday) and considering the bait is watermelon, a woodchuck favorite, I'm sure we will have a woodchuck to give away Sunday morning sometime. It is illegal to relocate wildlife in Michigan and this woodchuck needs to be dispatched humanely. Per the MA Audubon website ""It is detrimental to the well-being of wildlife as well as the public. Unknowingly, sick animals may be transported and released in other locations, causing the spread of disease. Animals released in unfamiliar territory have a hard time surviving. They must compete with resident animals, and they have difficulty finding food and shelter. Furthermore, relocation is ineffective: each time a territory opens, there is always another animal ‘waiting in the wings.’” Not wanting the animal to be wasted, the proposition is this. If you want the animal for food purposes, you are welcome to take it, but you must be prepared to dispatch the animal (without damaging the trap or anyone/anything in the neighborhood) and take the carcase with you (you may field dress it if you'd like). Please email if you're interested and I'll respond asap on Sunday, July 26th. Please remember, relocating live wildlife without a permit is not only cruel but ILLEGAL in the state of Michigan. Should you be worried that this animal may be a female with young, woodchuck young leave the burrow and disperse to find their own new homes in July. Woodchuck recipes can be located here: <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/05/garden/05woodrecipe.html">http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/05/garden/05woodrecipe.html</a> <a href="http://www.wildliferecipes.net/Game_recipes/Small_game_recipes/Woodchuck_recipes/index.asp">http://www.wildliferecipes.net/Game_recipes/Small_game_recipes/Woodchuck_recipes/index.asp</a> <a href="http://www.outdoor-michigan.com/Recipes/woodchuck_recipes.htm">http://www.outdoor-michigan.com/Recipes/woodchuck_recipes.htm</a> We live in the Ada/Cascade area. Thank you, Simon <ul> <li> Location: Ada-Cascade <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-26T00:25:38-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/grr/1289301464.html Woodchuck - Groundhog Meat - free text You hit me with your Prius http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1288922120.html Me - Bicyclist, heading to jury duty on 10th Street, Friday at 8:50am. You - Prius driver, crossing over two lanes, hitting me with your car and speeding away. I was hoping we could catch up for a cup of coffee, so I could get your views on the environment, and strangle you. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-25T15:23:51-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1288922120.html You hit me with your Prius text Small space for right roommate http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1288893848.html About your space: We have a limited time offer for a "nook" in our living room. The nook is currently home to my bike and is 6' x 3'. It is perfect for someone who needs a little respite between apartments and has a comfy sleeping bag. The nook has wall to wall carpeting and has window to private patio. Though it's located in the main living room, you will be assured privacy by the entertainment center and nearby couch. We have limited space in our closet for your things, mostly it's a room for the water heater, our suitcases, and a baby doll on a stick. About the apartment: We're three wonderful ladies in our mid-twenties. We like to have fun and casually entertain but don't party all night long. We have been known to indulge in a Thirsty Thursday event which can get a little rowdy, but it's out and about in the neighborhood so joining us can be a great way to get to know the area. We have laundry in the apt and a beautiful patio with garden. We also have a DVR and some of our favorite taped shows are The Bachelorette, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, What Not To Wear and Philadelphia Flyers games; these shows and others of our choice are included in your nook rental, please refrain from taping your own shows, such as Cops, as that is not included in the agreement. Conveniently located in the heart of the Mission, 12 min walk to 24th St BART, 3 min walk to 27, 12 and 48. Of course, we love to bike around so you may also bring a bike (helmet and lights a must!) to store in your nook/sleeping area. We have great restaurants and bars all nearby, a highlight is El Metate. About you: Having experience living with multiple women is a plus, we are open to either male or female roommate. We're opening up the nook for the right person, one who can be mindful of the morning shower routine, pitch in with general cleaning, and bonus points if you can change light bulbs since we're vertically challenged. We'd like to get along with our new nook occupant so please be a responsible, fun-loving, hilarious, and all around good person. We'd like to be entertained so talents are a plus. The rent: Negotiable per above standards Availability: Now through mutually determined date <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-25T15:02:59-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1288893848.html Small space for right roommate text To the Hot Guy at Priest Lake on the 4th of July - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nsh/1286133123.html I have some interesting news. You are going to be a father, twice. I don't remember your name but I do remember your license plate number. I really hope you see this. You promised me that you would pull out, and clearly you didn't. You had brown hair and brown eyes, and had a very specific tattoo. My parents have kicked me out of the house, and I'm not making enough working at Waffle House. I was hoping that you could help me out. My car's not big enough for the three of us. If you are enough of a man to be responsible for your actions, contact me. <ul> <li> Location: Nashville <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-24T01:17:12-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nsh/1286133123.html To the Hot Guy at Priest Lake on the 4th of July - w4m text The First Annual, Only Moving Sale Ever #1! It's awesome, seriously. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/1286075140.html *** Craigslist exclusive! Get this stuff before we set it up in a garage sale on Sunday! Or, e-mail us to get the location of the garage sale on Sunday! *** We were going to call this the "Feast on our Dreams" moving sale, but that sounded too dire. We're going back to school, which means we're shedding household goods like nobody's business, except apparently for the lady next door! Feast on our dreams of glory! Buy some outstanding items! Many are on this rug! Some --- are not! ITEMS FOR SALE: 1. A Rockin' Good Stereo System (3 CD changer, digital display, two speakers, black in colour, makes a lot of noise if dials turned fully clockwise): As advertised above, it is both rockin' and good. We've got a new system, so we're leaving this one to the hounds. Caution to buyers: we turned the stereo on for this picture and Rod Stewart came on the radio. Actual customer experience may vary. 2. A Tiny But Outstanding Microwave: $40 Our new place comes with one, so the perfectly good old one goes on the market. We got it for $100 at The Brick when we had no stove, and we're passing the savings on to you! In the form of a microwave! 3. A Three-Drawer Ikea... Thing: $20 For more information, check absolutely any Craigslist furniture ad ever. (The girlfriend just told me the name is "Aneboda", which to me sounds more like a cousin of the cottonmouth snake than a dresser drawer, but now you can go online to find all the most up-to-date and relevant information pertaining to this set of three dresser drawers. Hint: it holds stuff in three compartments and largely looks like it does in the picture.) (ADDITIONAL LATE-BREAKING MEMO: It appears that it sounds like I'm saying there are three dressers, instead of just one dresser with three drawers. THERE IS JUST ONE DRESSER. IT HAS THREE DRAWERS. LIKE IN THE PICTURE. STOP READING OVER MY SHOULDER. I AM DOING COMMERCE HERE.) 4. K2 Rollerblades With No Brakes: $10 Size 12! Slightly used! Is that gross? Probably! But IMAGINE THE SAVINGS! Non-warty former user. 5. Big Empty Cloth Toolbox: $10 For manly men (or women) who aren't afraid to say, "My toolbox doesn't clank!" And who among us has not had such dreams? Now those dreams can be realized, thanks to this bitchin' great garage sale! 6. A Big Stack of Empty CD Cases: $ Free! Are you a rock star? Was your last album rejected by purists? Have you flipped off a presenter at the Soul Train awards? Then this deal is for you! A stack of mis-matched empty CD cases are just the thing to boost your sales and audience perception of your incredible weirdness! (Alternatively, if you just have a band and want some CD cases to put your CDs in for sale at local shows, just come and... just get these things out of here. Please. You don't even have to be in a band. Although we could use your star power to draw more customers to the garage sale. So if you could tell others that you ARE a rock star and that you're coming to the moving sale, then that would be great. You can link to this ad from your Myspace page. That's all I'm saying.) 7. A Ladder: $15 Good for reducing the amount of low to the ground you are at any given moment. 8. A Fake Curled-Up Cat: $5 I am confident that if you were in an 8-bit adventure game you would really, really need this later on. Hedge your bets! 9. "Dread Pirate" Board Game: $10 Good for ages 8 and up! It's basically all luck, so even a dumb kid can win and go tell everyone at the party that he beat you and everyone laughs and wonders what the hell you're spending all that tuition money on. 10. "Trivial Pursuit" '70s Edition Board Game: $1 What could be more retro-chic than a board game where all the answers have to do with the USSR? In Soviet Russia, dollar buys YOU! 11. "Doodle Pix", Apparently?: $0.10 It can be yours for ten cents. Apparently we had this game all along. We are attempting to correct that situation. 12. Cuban Hexabox: $1 Is it a hexagon? Is it a box? Is it a humidor for cigar-like things that measure less than 3" in size? Why not all of the above! It's from friggin' Cuba, people! It's practically illicit --- at least at these prices! Zing! 13. CD Walkman: $5 All the versatility of an iPod with only one album on it, now 400% larger! If bigger is better, then you would have to be stupid not to be all over this deal! Could it be combined with the three vertical feet of empty CD cases to create the ultimate in portable entertainment?* I THINK SO! * Actual entertainment not included 14. Planet Earth DVD Game: $10 Never used, but actually looks pretty awesome. We can't play it because she gets sad whenever she thinks about endangered species, so our crippling emotional problems can be your gain! 15. Wembly, Boober, Mokie and Gobo Driving Vegetables: $5 I'm sure these are collectibles worth $100 somehow to some person, so I'll discount 'em by the probability that anyone that gives two hoots is going to stop by the site. $95 seem like a pretty small discount comparatively? Brother, you ain't met Craigslist. (Edit: No, I do not know why they are driving vegetables.) 16. Pimp Brown Aldo Shoes: $10 Didn't fit. Whoops. Never worn outside the house --- size 11 or 12. 17. Dominoes: $0.50 Now in teal for the ladies! 18. Racquetball Racquet (never used): $10 Seriously, I'm going to go right down to that health club next Wednesday and sign up. 19. Guitar books: $ Free Learnin' guitar is awesome and should be easier. Now it is, with these complicated books that no one can read since tablature and YouTube were invented! 20. A Big Red Binder Full of Secret Corporate Recipes: $5 That's right, everything from what's in the Big Mac sauce to how to make Red Lobster's delicious Diablo Shrimp. Wonderfully disturbing! 21. Door Chain: $1 The personal security device that says to burglars, "Hey! You're not coming in here! Unless you push, with your hand." Ineffective if applied to kitty doors. 22. Mice? Mouses? Meece? Mouses. : $0.50 each 23. Palm Pilots: $10 each One comes with a leather case. It broke the other palm pilot's heart and took off with its sister on a motorcycle. It just doesn't care who it hurts. 24. Ethernet Hub: $5 Answers to "Charles". 25. Game Boy Advance and e-Reader: $30 for the GBA, $10 for the e-Reader. Beats the best Amazon price by a week and five bucks. Also comes in a makeup bag, which I felt was pretty classy. 26. Phone: $5 Multi-function phone. Rings, dials, and takes both incoming AND gives outgoing calls. Cordless. All the convenience of a cell phone without the contract or pollutey satellites. 27. World's Most Awesome VCR with Remote: $10 We've had some good times, VCR. But now it's time for some other kid to enjoy editing MarioPaint cartoons of his very own. (Comes with programmable universal remote.) 28. Sproingy Clock: $5 I probably won't even sell this. It makes a HORRIBLE loud ticking noise that keeps my girlfriend awake and I just hide it all over the place so she thinks she's going crazy like in Telltale Heart. But she's making me sell it, so here it is. Avoid buying it and we'll see if in ten years I come home to find her scratching at the floorboards, fingers bloodied, hair matted, and with a look in her eye of a madness so profound that Mephisto himself could scarcely fathom a more scathing torment. Just five dollars! 29. Alarm Clock / AM/FM Radio: $10 Goes BLART BLART BLART. Alternatively, RADIO RADIO RADIO. Red numbers. 30. 300 Watt Power Source? $10 Pretty good price for a 300 watt power source. I can't remember if it's 300 or 400. It doesn't match the box. You'll have to e-mail me in order for me to muster up the energy to go look. I'm basically as lethargic as that raccoon over there. 31. Only Partially Busted Computer: $80, or best offer for components I installed a new graphics card into this poor ol' girl without checking its power requirements. Aaaaaand the story comes together. :) - 2.24 GHz Pentium 4 Processor (The 4 stands for "4get about it, it's awesome") - Hard drive removed so's you can't hack my identity. Also protects copyright on all the stuff I wrote on there. And also any folders of a... private nature. You're on Craigslist, don't act like you're better than me. - DVD-RW drive (8x?) - 48x CD-ROM drive - 2 gigs of DDR RAM - 56k modem (awwww yeah) - Either a 64 or 128 meg video card --- again, I'd have to tear 'er open to look. - 10/100 Ethernet - Inconspicuous tower casing belying the sheer awesomeness of the stuff within, excellent for spies or Jason Statham, who I think will be at the garage sale, you should come - Probably a motherboard and 220W power source what done been fried up real good 32. What the hell, a stack of Darkhawk Comics? $20 Back in the spring of '02 I had a tentative deal with Marvel's Epic line to write a new Darkhawk series for the company. Then they fired Bill Jemas, cancelled the line, and I was left nude with nothing but a tea cozy and a pair of slippers (unrelated circumstances). At least you got the offer, you say? An invaluable experience, you muster? Hardly! I value it at precisely twenty of the dollars! 33. A CD Album: $5 All it lacks is an album cover. 34. A Framed, Matted Print of Picasso's "The Old Guitarist": $80 Celebrate the final years of Picasso's Blue Period with this proto-Cubist echo of el Greco. Covers up wall stains like a ************! 35. Poubelle: $5 C'est une poubelle qui a une place ou on peut la frappe avec un pied pour l'ouvrir. On peut voir que tous mes livres francais ne sont pas en vente avec les livres au-dessous. 36. All Six Original Star Trek Movies: $10 Note: Star Trek II appears to have rocked its cover off. It might seem a bit shady, but I promise it's not a khaaaaan * * * * * * * * * * * * * * <h2>BOOKS!</h2> CRAPPY TIER: $1 - Crappy Thesaurus - Crappy Dictionary - Crappy Rhyming Dictionary (my M.C.ing needs no further tightening) - Crappy book about how good it is to be an Aries (mostly lies) - "A Simple Plan" - "The Green Mile" (Coffey didn't do it, but they kill him anyway) - "Two Against The North" - "The Handbook of Style" (Ladies'. I didn't need one.) - "Journey into Darkness" (FBI profiler autobiography) - "The Manhunter" (U.S. Marshal autobiography) - "The Master Sniper" - "Book of Wizards" (Great for kids! Apparently not for 26-year-old women.) - "Tales from the Land of Erin" - "The Black Jade Road" - "Deathlands: Northlands Rising" (literally the worst book I have ever read. Perhaps the worst book ever written. AND IT COULD BE YOURS!) - "Magic with Everyday Objects" (Anatomy excluded) - Coles notes and satire (Miller, Letterman, Mercer, Maher) - Crappy old version of "The Elements of Style" - Crappy old version of "Fit to Print" - "The Secret of NIMH" (Not crappy!) - A 2001 copy of the Writer's Market (assuming that all small presses that will publish your crappy poetry were all well-capitalized and weathered this financial tsunami like the obsidian capitalist gods they surely are, this volume will still be of immense use to any budding scribe! $1.) OKAY TIER: $3 - "Paint Recipes" (Not what you think; actually about how to mix paints) - "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Creative Writing" (I am pretty sure Hemingway had four of these) - "1,911 of the Best Things Anybody Ever Said" (Compiled in the '90s, so all 1,911 hadn't yet been replaced by L'il Jon lyrics) - "Conan Doyle" (biography) - "The Wordy Shipmates" (note: inexplicably, does not contain "Yarrgh" - "The Intellectual Devotional: Modern Culture" (caution: Americo-centric) - "Stories in an Almost Classical Mode" - "365 Amazing Discoveries" - "Transfigurations" (weird art book) - The Eric Wilson series AWESOME TIER: $5 (Yes, the difference between something okay and awesome is a toonie. You heard it here first.) - Introduction to Politics (since textbooks cost approximately $900 each, one can only assume these are automatically in the Awesome tier) - Canadian Politics: Critical Approaches, 3rd Edition - New Society: Sociology for the 21st Century - The Book of Lists - The Practice of Social Research - "Arthur and George" LIMITED TIME PACKAGE DEAL: FoxTrot comic collection, $1/lb. Guaranteed fresh, Grade AA comics. Pasteurized. Grain fed. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Sorry about everything preceding this point. Send an e-mail along to make one of these fabulous items your very own! Alternatively, request the address for the awesome garage sale that will feature all the above items that were too hot for internet sale! Also, we are selling a door chain for a dollar. Delivery is not an option. Oh and also the rug! Shall we say, $20? Excellent for wrapping up multiple purchases or posting a desperately overworked Craigslist ad -- ACT NOW! P.S. I am sorry about how fast this got old. Pro tip: Nothing accepts an apology like buying a microwave. <ul> <li> Location: Sherbourne and Bloor <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-24T00:48:59-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/1286075140.html The First Annual, Only Moving Sale Ever #1! It's awesome, seriously. text Rescuer's answering machine http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/njy/1284564684.html A RESCUERS ANSWERING MACHINE: Hello: You have reached ___-____, Tender Hearts Rescue. Due to the high volume of calls we have been receiving, please listen closely to the following options and choose the one that best describes you or your situation: > Press 1 if you have a 10-year-old dog and your 15-year-old son has suddenly become allergic and you need to find the dog a new home right away. > Press 2 if you are moving today and need to immediately place your 150 pound, 8-year-old dog. > Press 3 if you have three dogs, had a baby and want to get rid of your dogs because you are the only person in the world to have a baby and dogs at the same time. > Press 4 if you just got a brand new puppy and your old dog is having problems adjusting so you want to get rid of the old one right away. > Press 5 if your little puppy has grown up and is no longer small and cute and you want to trade it in for a new model. Press 6 if you want an unpaid volunteer to come to your home TODAY and pick up the dog you no longer want. > Press 7 if you have been feeding and caring for a "stray" for the last three years, are moving and suddenly determine it's not your dog. > Press 8 if your dog is sick and needs a vet but you need the money for your vacation. > Press 9 if you are elderly and want to adopt a cute puppy who is not active and is going to outlive you. > Press 10 if your relative has died and you don't want to care for their elderly dog because it doesn't fit your lifestyle. > Press 14 if you are calling at 6 a.m. to make sure you wake me up before I have to go to work so you can drop a dog off on your way to work. > Press 15 to leave us an anonymous garbled message, letting us know you have left a dog in our yard in the middle of January, which is in fact, better than just leaving the dog with no message. > Press 16 if you are going to get angry because we are not going to take your dog that you have had for fifteen years, because it is not our responsibility. > Press 17 if you are going to threaten to take your ten year old dog to be euthanized because I won't take it. > Press 18 if you're going to get angry because the volunteers had the audacity to go on vacation and leave the dogs in care of a trusted volunteer who is not authorized to take your personal pet. > Press 19 if you want one of our PERFECTLY trained, housebroken, kid and cat friendly purebred dogs that we have an abundance of. > Press 20 if you want us to take your dog that has a slight aggression problem, i.e. has only bitten a few people and killed your neighbor's cats. > Press 21 if you have already called once and been told we don't take personal surrenders but thought you would get a different person this time with a different answer. > Press 22 if you want us to use space that would go to a stray to board your personal dog while you are on vacation, free of charge, of course. > Press 23 if it is Christmas Eve or Easter morning and you want me to deliver an eight week old puppy to your house by 6:30 am before your kids wake up. > Press 24 if you have bought your children a duckling, chick or baby bunny for Easter and it is now Christmas and no longer cute. > Press 25 if you want us to take your female dog who has already had ten litters, but we can't spay her because she is pregnant again and it is against your religion. > Press 26 if you're lying to make one of our younger volunteers feel bad and take your personal pet off your hands. > Press 27 if your cat is biting and not using the litter box because it is declawed, but you are not willing to accept the responsibility that the cat's behavior is altered because of your nice furniture. > Press 28 if your two year old male dog is marking all over your house but you just haven't gotten around to having him neutered. > Press 29 if you previously had an outdoor only dog and are calling because she is suddenly pregnant. > Press 30 if you have done "everything" to housebreak your dog and have had no success but you don't want to crate the dog because it is cruel. > Press 31 if you didn't listen to the message asking for an evening phone number and you left your work number when all volunteers are also working and you are angry because no one called you back. > Press 32 if you need a puppy immediately and cannot wait because today is your daughter's birthday and you forgot when she was born. > Press 33 if your dog's coat doesn't match your new furniture and you need a different color or breed. > Press 34 if your new love doesn't like your dog and you are too stupid to get rid of the new friend (who will dump you in the next month anyway) instead of the dog. > Press 35 if you went through all these 'options' and didn't hear enough. This press will connect you to the sounds of tears being shed by one of our volunteers who is holding a discarded old dog while the vet mercifully frees him from the grief of missing his family. > > ~Author Unknown, but much appreciated <ul> <li> Location: all over <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-23T09:37:12-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/njy/1284564684.html Rescuer's answering machine text Lone Wanderer seeks her Charon - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1283260350.html I know this is strange but the heart continues to want what it wants. In short, I'm a 25 year old female who's sustained some pretty harsh injuries and I'm going stir crazy. I've traveled the world as a drifter/hitchhiker, I'm currently a working musician, writer and dog trainer. I also have a degree in veterinary technology. I'm slightly insane but perhaps in a good way. Um...chaotic neutral, eager to please and have had a ridiculously eventful life. This down time is hard for me. Someone recently likened me to Harold and Maude all in one package and I that sounds about right. I look a little like a Raider I suppose. You: Charon from Fallout 3. Yes, you read that right. You are a gigantic, deceptively stoic ghoul bodyguard. Someone who can stay in character well and satisfy the strange compulsion/crush I continue to have have on that damned ghoul. Someone who is creative enough to characterize him and suspend my disbelief again. I find myself only able to speak to someone who's fronting as this character. I don't open up easily and I just...don't get it either. If you are suffering from boredom and can roleplay this character well, there is a good chance I can help you with that boredom. I don't seem to get tired of this. So. I have your contract and our time in the Wastes was short. You're still in DC and I, your "employer" am here only accessible via remote terminal. The employer/Charon relationship would be strictly instant messenger/email and possibly phone but only if you can do the voice really well. Maybe it will remain civil and friendly, maybe it will turn into something a little more adult. It usually does. I'd prefer something frequent and long term if possible, with room for progression into something different maybe. Before receiving a batch of pointless, off topic emails, I feel I have to add this: All messages that clearly don't get what I'm asking for here will simply be ignored and deleted. Do not send me your photo or your stats! Your height, weight, race, etc are irrelevant because you are actually a cranky, sexually repressed, 6'8 irradiated manservant from the Underworld. Someone over 25+ would be preferable. That is my only stipulation but it is not a hard limit. It seems that spelling and grammar improve with age is all. Good spelling and grammar are an absolute must! I had an excellent Charon before but he...vanished and I find myself sadly looking for a replacement. I need a rebound Charon in case he doesn't come back...although I am still hoping he does. Getting my heart broken by an NPC is something I'll add to the vast list of things I've experienced that make me keep writing music. Here's hoping you're out there. Please message me in character. This is important. I will make it worth your while! <ul> <li> Location: The Nothern Wastes <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-22T13:49:56-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1283260350.html Lone Wanderer seeks her Charon - w4m text Body Dumping Location Available http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bal/1282199193.html Don’t stuff grandma in the freezer! By now you’ve probably heard about the Glen Burnie family that stored their 83-year-old grandmother’s dead body in a freezer: <a href="http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/maryland/anne-arundel/bal-md.ar.freezer15jul15,0,168200.story.">http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/maryland/anne-arundel/bal-md.ar.freezer15jul15,0,168200.story.</a> It turns out that no law was broken. Yep, dumping a body is legal around here. Health care workers and other professionals are required to report deaths, but ordinary citizens are not. And, apparently, no state law prohibits the burial or storage of a body on private property. I’m a laid-off Baltimore-area homeowner. After ten months of unemployment, and the future looking even more grim, I’m willing to consider allowing my backyard to be used for body dumping. Call it private burial if you prefer. I could probably take a half-dozen bodies without arousing the attention of neighbors. It wouldn’t hurt to have one under the garden too. Me: A discreet Baltimore County homeowner with a half-acre of easily tillable property on a quiet dead-end street. You: An individual (not a health care worker or other professional required to report a death!) with the awkward inconvenience of disposing of a deceased relative, friend, colleague or acquaintance. You must provide your own trash bags, tarp, quicklime, shovel, etc. I might be available to hold a flashlight, but I won’t do any heavy lifting. Accidental deaths or natural causes only. I’m not going to get involved in any shenanigans with Omar wannabes. I will not be a participant in, or an accessory to, any sort of crime. This is a limited time offer! Act now before the state legislature changes the law! If and when the law changes (measures failed 10 years ago, after the 1999 incident), you’ll be grandfathered, literally and figuratively. Price is negotiable. Serious inquiries only. For more info: <a href="http://welcometobaltimorehon.com/?p=338">http://welcometobaltimorehon.com/?p=338</a> <ul> <li> Location: Baltimore County <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-21T20:56:37-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bal/1282199193.html Body Dumping Location Available text Dear Sir or Madam who stole my bicycle wheel -m4m- -m4w- http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1281876918.html Dear Sir or Madam who stole my bicycle wheel, I have a proposal. For several days after you stole my 26” rear wheel from my mountain bike, you caused me a dilemma. All I could think of were two options. 1) Buy a new rear wheel – This hardly seemed worthwhile because my bike only cost $25 from Goodwill when I got it and a new back wheel/tire will cost two to three times that much. 2) Buy a used wheel from the Ashby Flea market – We all know this is where stolen wheels go to find new homes. (In fact, I have searched here for my wheel to no avail.) While this option is cheap ($10), it would feel like I am benefiting from someone else’s misfortune. (Probably because I would be benefiting from someone else’s misfortune). But then I had a brilliant idea. Rather than buying a new wheel or a used wheel stolen from someone else, why don’t you sell me back my own wheel. I can pay you the $10 you would have made and then I can save the time and stress of finding a new wheel. If it makes a difference, I could even pay you in alcohol or whatever drug habit you were trying to feed. We can even meet on the same corner where you took my wheel and make it feel all natural. You can walk by and say, “Hey buddy, I notice that your bike seems to be missing a rear wheel. Well, it just so happens I have an extra rear wheel right here with me. Would you like it?” And I can say, “You’re right, kind sir. I am missing a rear wheel. That is very nice of you. It just so happens that I have $10 worth of alcohol, that I was going to use drown my sorrow about not having a bicycle wheel. But now that I have a bicycle wheel, I don’t need it. Why don’t you take it.” And then we can both feel good about ourselves. Please let me know if this works for you. Sincerely Josh UPDATE - Thanks for all the nice emails. And especially thanks to Jess who dropped off a replacement rear wheel!!!!! <ul> <li> Location: By Lake Merritt <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-21T14:25:36-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1281876918.html Dear Sir or Madam who stole my bicycle wheel -m4m- -m4w- text Large dirty fish tank, contents http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1281807221.html This fish tank is an albatross around my neck, a grimy moldy guilt inducing vile infuriating albatross. Except instead of being a sign of a transgression of my own against nature, it represents the irresponsibility of my flaky self-absorbed douchebag previous roommates who left it at the apartment after moving out. I've fed the depressing inhabitants (seriously, is there anything that makes you want to fling yourself in front of a fast approaching train more than looking at fish in a tank?) for the past year, but am moving and will be damned if I take them with me. So, please, take this burden from me. Details: Tank: Standard 5 gallon glass fish tank. Covered. in. filth. Comes with the whole filter apparatus (which probably needs a new filter pad or whatever those things are called). Also has a bubble machine that apparently serves to distract the fish from the meaninglessness and futility of their existence. Contents: Various rocks, Buddha head, plants, and all that other kitschy crap my douchebag roommate put in the tank. She was an art student with a mullet, so I assure you it is hip to the point of nausea. Also worth mentioning (I know, no pets allowed in the free section, but seriously, fish don't count): Tumor Fish and Twitch. The former: white angel fish with a large tumor on the left side of belly. This thing is a scientific wonder and will probably outlive us all. We thought it would die 1.5 years ago, the lump on its side constituting at least 30% of its body mass and forcing it to swim with the top of its body at a approx 70 degree angle to the right. The mass disappeared around 7 months ago but then grew back in February. I do not recommend staring into T.F's cataract film covered black eyes for more than 30 seconds lest you lose all will to live. The latter: Twitch is some generic fish that will never be remotely as interesting as T.F. but moves in spastic fits of motion. All of this can be yours (Joy of Joys) if you are able to come by and deal with moving the cursed thing by Sunday (the 26th) evening. Email me if interested and I can send you pictures, details. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-21T13:48:58-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1281807221.html Large dirty fish tank, contents text To The People Buying and Renting Porn at My Store http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ral/1280450188.html Dear Porn Purchaser, 1. I'll say this one time only: we do not accept returns unless the movie you purchased is defective in some way. This means the movie doesn't play. This does not mean that the video was not long enough, didn't feature enough fucking, didn't feature enough money shots, featured too many dicks and not enough pussy, featured too many pussies and not enough dicks or any other content-based complaint you may have. You bought it, you wanked to it and now its yours. Forever. kthxbye. 2. If your movie is defective, you have two (2) days to return it with the receipt and original package. This means if you purchase the movie on Monday morning, you have until Wednesday evening to bring it back. This means when you return the movie, you have to have that little piece of paper we give you when we sell you the movie and the cover and box must be intact. It's possible, but very unlikely, that we didn't give you a receipt. It's impossible that you didn't get the packaging. That's just ridiculous. Oh, and if you return a movie, I will put the movie in our DVD player to make sure it doesn't work. Yes, that's right. I'm college educated and I get to check porn for defects at work. My parents sure are proud. 3. Seriously, who purchases porn anymore? Have you ever heard of the internet? Well, in case you haven't, it's a magical series of tubes that gives you access to a plethora of pornography you cannot even imagine. Pornography beyond your wildest dreams! And, better yet, it's free! 4. Seriously, who rents porn anymore? Please see #3. 5. Why are you so fucking picky about your pornography? I really don't understand. It's a movie. With people fucking each other. A lot. The movies are separated into broad genres in our movie section for your convenience. You can find run of the mill people fucking each other a lot movies, movies with only black people fucking each other a lot, interracial groupings fucking each other a lot, only men fucking each other a lot, only women fucking each other a lot, people fucking each other a lot and doing kinky shit at the same time, and so on. It's pretty basic and usually, the titles describe what is going to happen in the movie pretty well. "Big Black Poles in White Holes," for instance, says a lot about what the movie will be about. So do titles like "Giant Goo Covered Jugs," "Girls Kissing Girls," "Anal Addiction," "Big Wet Asses," "Enema Queens," and "Hairy Cooter Bonanza." Usually, you don't have to think a lot about what a movie is about (other than fucking, of course) - pornography isn't known for being demure. 6. I have not seen every movie in our collection so I can't tell you whether "Giant Greeze Covered Asses" is better than "Big Wet Booty Poppin' Booty." To be honest, I don't even like pornography. Even if I did, I wouldn't tell you about my pornography watching habits. Please use your own discretion in determining which movie is right for you. 7. I can help you find movies by title, studio or star. If you don't have a specific title, studio or star you are looking for, please limit your question asking. We have thousands of movies and I'm not going to look through them to help you find a movie featuring double penetration, strap ons, interracial couplings, and hairy women covered in oil wearing rubber. Take your specific fetishes to the internet. Please see #3 and 4. 8. Some of you rent or purchase multiple movies every day or so. Do you have a job? Do you do anything except watch porn? How have you not masturbated yourself retarded at this point? Seriously...calm down a little bit and, for the love of God, save yourself some money and get a computer and internet access. Thanks and have a nice day, Your Friendly Adult Store Clerk <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-20T21:52:15-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ral/1280450188.html To The People Buying and Renting Porn at My Store text Coffin http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1279291878.html Guaranteed to keep your Goth hide translucent white during these hot and bright summer days, this hand-made coffin is just right for the petit Vampire or Vampette. If you are just under 5 feet tall (or can shape-shift to something smaller) with a 29-inch wing span, you will feel cozy and safe sleeping away the pesky daylight hours with this tasteful but unassuming box tucked away in your lair. Your minions can keep your chamber mobile with these fine handles made of Transylvanian hemp and the tucked and buttoned red padded lining will have you snoring until sun down. The hand-painted, one-of-a-kind, whimsical take on a Coptic cross is certain not to offend any version of Goth, vamp or even warm-blood who might have the privilege of actually seeing your private chamber. It’s hard to let this beautiful treasure go, but we’ve just run out of room. And with all of the sensible people around (see True Blood), we just don’t need to be so private anymore. It can be found and taken for free in the 3400 block of Barranca circle near Mt Bonnell. Better hurry though. It is Big Trash week in our neighborhood. <ul> <li> Location: mt bonnell <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-20T10:59:56-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1279291878.html Coffin text Garage Sale Etiquette http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/stl/1279187759.html Hello buyers and thank you for coming to our garage sale. I know our newspaper ad and signs say that we open at 7 am, but if you arrive at 6:00, go ahead and ring the doorbell several times and peer into the windows until we answer. We’ll open up early for you. Feel free to show up with your unleashed dog, and of course, let him poop in the front yard. Our lawn-boy will clean that up later. For your convenience, we’ve taken the time to mark everything with a price. But go ahead and keep asking, “How much do you want for this?” In the mood for a cigarette? Come into the garage and light it on up. Grandpa doesn’t mind if you blow the smoke right into his face. He’s only on an oxygen tank. It’s probably good for him anyway. And just leave the butts on the garage floor or flick them into the yard. We’ll take care of those for you too. It’s my mistake for not having an ashtray available. And I know 25 cents is a fairly steep price. So let’s haggle for 5 minutes about it. I don’t have anything else to do today. Also, pick up a bunch of items and then tell me what they remind you of. Be sure to tell me about every aspect of your life. Don’t leave anything out. I’d love to hear all about you. And when you put the item back, just throw it in a completely different spot, upside down or just all wadded up. Your McDonald’s breakfast is going right through you, isn’t it? Of course you can come in and use our bathroom. Be sure to look in the medicine cabinet for any prescription meds you might need. And there’s some spray up in the window in case you drop a deuce. Hope everything comes out ok! Wow, you want to buy all of our grandmother’s antiques and at our full asking price?! Oh, but you don’t have any cash with you. Well yes, you can certainly write us a check and then drive off with the merchandise! No worries. I’m sure you’re an honest person. Next time, we’ll try to be prepared to accept credit and debit cards. As you leave, be sure to rev up the engine several times, blast the salsa music and then lay a scratch as you drive away. It’s loud, but oh so cool. Have a great day! <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-20T10:13:07-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/stl/1279187759.html Garage Sale Etiquette text Porn laptop http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1278577164.html I have an older laptop, about 8 years old, it's a blue toshiba. It has a few missing keys and a few scratches, and only about 40 gigs of free space. I got a newer laptop though and I don't need this one. I call it a porn laptop because I'm pretty sure it has a few viruses and stuff, but I still use it for porn. It runs internet pretty fast and I already have about 200 favorites of porn sites saved in my favorites for firefox. It works for porn perfectly, but not big or fast enough for music/video editing or any of that. I wouldn't type any credit card info with it though, like I said it has some viruses and spyware so it's not worth the risk. Great for porn though. So if you just want an extra laptop to sneak in your office that is dedicated just for porn, I got your back. Give me an email, price is negotiable <ul> <li> Location: Renton <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-19T19:10:52-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1278577164.html Porn laptop text Room above Seedy OB Bar http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1275894215.html If the look of peeling plaster and the stench of mold and vomit and urine don't bother you, then this might be exactly what you are looking for. I lived her for six years and only recently had to move out because my new girlfriend is super uptight about all the traffic and noise and chicks knocking on my door looking for a place to crash after drinking themselves into a slutty stupor. I don't know why she cares since she was one of those slutty chicks when I first met her. This place is a friggin freak incubator. Not kidding. Serious. Whenever you flush the toilet you have to call the bar so they can clear the area on the floor where the water leaks down from the ceiling. There was a stabbing in there one night about 2 years ago because someone thought someone else had thrown a beer at them, but it was just the water from the pipes pouring down on the stupid drunk fucks head. I do not require you to be drug free, you can have any number of people living with you, you can punch holes in the wall and throw furniture out the window.... I really don't mind. You don't have to do housework or give me blowjobs. You don't have to have a job or proof of income to qualify. I can tell if I can trust you just by smelling your underwear. Paying rent is the only thing that you have to do. Serious. The minute I even think you are going to stiff me on the rent you will suffer more pain than you could ever imagine. I don't care how you get the money, just as long as you have it not more later than the 3rd of every month. I can't tell you the name of the bar because if you know where it is then you probably have crashed out here or been to one of the many impromptu orgies that have been here. If I know who you are then I probably don't want to rent the place to you. I know a set up when I smell one, so don't get any stupid ideas. I'm not stupid, but I had a stroke and I talk like I'm stupid. Too much alcohol and drugs. But it's been fun. No one has ever completely died in this apartment, but the police and fire department make courtesy checks regularly in case anyone needs a trip to the hospital. Obviously this place is not for square johns. Abbot Street at Brighton Ave (<a target="_blank" href="http://maps.google.com/?q=loc%3A+Abbot+Street+at+Brighton+Ave+Ocean+Beach+Ca+US">google map</a>) (<a target="_blank" href="http://maps.yahoo.com/maps_result?addr=Abbot+Street+at+Brighton+Ave&csz=Ocean+Beach+Ca&country=US">yahoo map</a>) <ul> <li>cats are OK - purrr <li>dogs are OK - wooof <li> Location: Ocean Beach <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-17T22:37:49-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1275894215.html Room above Seedy OB Bar text To the cute girl who just previewed our apartment, i'm sorry. - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/1275555686.html Hey! You just left our apartment with your broker and cute friends. You know, it was the one where the power had just died and you guys were knocking on our decoy door. My roommate and I both proclaimed an infatuation with the lot of you when you left! I have one problem though... you came in, saw my bedroom, the terrible state of our bathrooms, piles of videogames and the fact that I sleep on the floor. Please allow me to rationalize the situation. The bedroom - Well, I haven't cleaned in weeks and I'm at the tail end of the laundry cycle. This is usually accompanied by a rather large and unkempt pile of clothes spilling out of the closet onto the floor. This Friday was no exception. The bathroom - I am sorta glad that the power was still out for that portion of the tour. The flashlight you had certainly did not provide enough light to get a full realization of JUST how much dirt was crusted in the corner behind the door. It just doesn't get foot traffic, and normally the door it open and it's hidden from view. The videogames - Well. I play a lot of videogames. But I do a lot of other things too, I swear! The Sleeping on the floor - See above, I'm too busy doing other things than to sleep on a "bed". Pfft. Getting UP in the morning isn't a challenge when you're on top of a 4 foot tall pillowtop that requires a fireman's pole to dismount. It takes gumption to sleep on the floor! I am glad I deftly planted that Vonnegut book by the overflowing hamper that you casually noticed, as well as that bass guitar. If I had known you were coming, I would have hid the floormattress and pretended that I didn't live like a hobo, but I am glad you didn't because apparently you are of the same persuasion! Anyways, you seemed cool and I feel that it's totally unfair that you got to root through the kinda things (bathroom, sleeping area, embarrassing hobbies) that usually don't crop up until the second or third date. That being the case, I think you desperately owe some reciprocation! <ul> <li> Location: Cambridge <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-17T20:05:33-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/1275555686.html To the cute girl who just previewed our apartment, i'm sorry. - m4w text FREE CRAP! (manure) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mad/1275234651.html i have a bunch of crap (manure) that i would like to unload on you. big steaming pile on my curb; nice and fresh. Let me know if you want to deal with my crap (manure) and I will give you the address. Thanks, JIM <ul> <li> Location: north madison <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-17T15:45:15-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mad/1275234651.html FREE CRAP! (manure) text I Puked in Your Purse http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lan/1273689551.html You were sitting a couple tables across from me. I was checking you out. You noticed. I winked. You rolled your eyes and left your table to talk to some guys at the bar. You left your purse hanging unattended on the back of your chair. I felt rejected, and a little pissed. You looked hungry. On my way out, I filled your purse with a vomit cocktail consisting of 1 part hamburger, 3 parts Miller Lites and 6 parts hot yellow foamy puke. If you had second thoughts after blowing me off, hit me back. I can't wait to hear from you!!! <ul> <li> Location: Houlihans <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-16T18:32:18-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lan/1273689551.html I Puked in Your Purse text Brain Surgery Intern http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/atl/1273401167.html Need a Brain Surgery Intern ASAP! I have just been diagnosed with a brain tumor and the doctor says that I only have 3 months to live unless I have brain surgery. This is an unpaid operation, but you will receive credit and snacks while you are operating. This is a good way to build up your resume by networking with others who need free surgery. If you do a good job, and I live, this may lead to future PAID surgeries! If you have your own surgery tools and anesthesia, that is a plus and you move to the front of the line. Please respond with a link to all of the operations that you have performed, transcripts from the universities that you attended, and a copy of your MCAT scores. Please only respond if you are SERIOUS. You must be a team player and have your own car. <ul> <li> Location: Atlanta <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: no pay </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-16T15:47:35-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/atl/1273401167.html Brain Surgery Intern text Reasons why I should be your girl: The punk/alternative edition. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cle/1272500245.html If you opened this post, chances are, you're curious as to what the title alludes to. Just to put this out there, I'm real - not a bot-generated pseudo sexpot trying to stick your computer with some of the e-herpes. I'm sick of dating insipid, ungrateful assholes. I'm not going to spew a bunch of bullshit like other ads saying that "OMG I NEED A REEEALL MAAN WHO CAN TAKE CARE OF MEEE". Truth is, I'm in college, you're (hopefully) between the ages of 18-23, and probably don't have a 9 to 5 white-collar job with a 401k that pays enough for you to drive your badass porsche. And you know what? That's fine with me. Anyway. Onto the whole "reasons" portion of my ad. I will give it to you in list form because that seems better than assaulting you with a wall of text. 1. I am smart enough to use big words in appropriate situations. 2. I have a mohawk. A fairly large mohawk, a few piercings, and can sport a pretty unpleasant scowl when necessary. no one's going to fuck with you if they see your girlfriend's some punkass bitch that could probably curbstomp their head in, right? 3. I am a legit bisexual, I've dated girls before. That means I've been on your side of this whole "relationship" thing. I am not going to try and imprison you with my compulsive girly insecurities. I'm not going to make you stop hanging out with your friends or prevent you from going to shows. I won't even tell you to stop guzzling nasty PBR or to put that fatass joint down long enough to have a coherent conversation. And I'm certainly not going to bitch about it to my other lady friends behind your back (unless you fail to share said fatass joint with me.) 4. I am well-read. I am very familiar with most pop-culture references (especially ones that deal with retro shit- my specialty.) so on the off chance that you're sober enough to drop some laugh-inducing reference to a terrible 80's move you saw when watching TNT the other day, I WILL ACTUALLY GET IT. 6. I love movies. I love HORROR movies, and the older/low-budget they are, the better. I think films such as Braindead, Army of Darkness, or Nekromantik are fucking hilarious. That means that you won't have to worry about spending precious money on movie theater dates, because chances are, I already bought/legally obtained that shit. The only exception would fall under Rocky Horror midnight showings. 7. I can sew and paint. That means I can make awesome patches of your favorite crust bands, then sew them onto your totally awesome punk rock jacket for you. I can also do deathrock, anarcho, and most psychobilly logos, too. 8. Remember the bisexual thing? I'm not going to bitch when you remark about how Kat Von D/Bettie Paige/Patricia Day/[insert other pinup model name here] is totally bangin'. In fact, I'll most likely agree with you and then continue painting the Crass symbol onto the back of your favorite black t-shirt. 9. I'm loyal. Do you know how hard it is to come accross a guy like you? Of course you don't. So if you really are the one-in-a-million, smart, funny, attractive, punkass shithead that I'm looking for, I will not be looking elsewhere. I promise! 10. I can cook anything for you, as long as a microwave is involved at some point. 11. Are you computer retarded? No problem. I pretty much rule at computers and can probably fix it for you! How useful is that?! 12. I enjoy the smell of cigarette smoke. Being a smoker isn't a necessity, but if you do smoke, that's pretty damn hot, so I'm not going to bitch at you to quit. 13. I am impressed by the little things. You don't have to buy me shit to make me happy. You don't have to clean up nice and take me out to a semi-fancy restaurant. You can continue to spit on the ground, make sarcastic remarks about how society "conforms to generalizations created by capitalist pigs", and laugh about skull-fucking dead babies. Being yourself is good enough. Just be able to come around and see me every once in a while, k? Hope that covers everything. If I'm the sort of classy broad that's worth your time, please feel free to message. I have a myspace, your pic gets mine, etc. <img src="1272500245.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: cleve <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-16T02:48:07-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cle/1272500245.html Reasons why I should be your girl: The punk/alternative edition. text Wanted: Pony http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/anc/1272471632.html My kid is having a birthday coming up soon, and there'll be a lot of children around, so I figured I'd better get a pony. I suspect there'll be what - about 20 or 30 kids, and I thought a pony would fit the bill nicely. Please let me know what you feed your pony - hay, grain, whatever, so I know what to expect. Also, let me know if the pony gets a lot of exercise, or if it just kinda hangs out all day, so I know what kind of shape it is in. If you do have a pony you could sell, please contact me, and then immediately start putting barbeque sauce in it's bedding or add some Lawry's to it's salt lick - I like to marinade it early and long, so that the flavor is at it's peak by the time I take possession. If things work out well, I may contact you for other parties I'll be involved in; they kids can't tell the difference between ponies and burger, and usually they're a lot cheaper. <ul> <li> Location: Anchorage <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-15T21:52:13-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/anc/1272471632.html Wanted: Pony text FREE Hornet's Nest http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/knx/1272165936.html I have a hornet's nest free for the taking! Hornets included. You must remove. Will need a ladder, it's under a 2nd floor eave. I just noticed it today. It's almost the size of a volleyball. <ul> <li> Location: Knoxville:West Knox Cty <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-15T21:02:15-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/knx/1272165936.html FREE Hornet's Nest text Get the Big, Black Typewriter You've Been Craving http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/laf/1271066048.html I know what you're thinking, "My God, what wonderful thing have I done to deserve such luck?" Well, you must've been a good boy or girl because I have, at this very moment, a Big, Black Typewriter. And I'm willing to let you steal it away from me at the best of all prices: FREE. The Big, Black Typewriter in question is a purebred, 100% genuine IBM Correcting Selectric II, featuring a large black case, Qwerty keyboard, and light protective coating of dust. Also included is an electrical cord (presumably for plugging into a wall outlet.) The typewriter is in nearly pristine condition (because, seriously, who uses a typewriter?) As a bonus, I'll throw in the fact that I have no idea if it works, which means that you, yes you, can have the heady feeling of anticipation: will it or won't it turn on? Be the one to make the exciting discovery! Own this icon of archaic technology now for three easy payments of nothing, never. Simply stop by our office at 107 N 10th St., Lafayette (our fair city), Indiana to claim your new (used) Big, Black Typewriter. This is a limited time offer, so hurry down. The typewriter will be distributed on a first-come, first-takes basis; and don't call to ask me to hold it for you. If I wanted you to call, I'd've given you my number. Good luck! <ul> <li> Location: Lafayette, IN <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-15T10:59:13-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/laf/1271066048.html Get the Big, Black Typewriter You've Been Craving text Award winning personal here. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/fay/1270864495.html This is a guide on how to write an award winning personal I hope it helps. 1. Always start your ad out with a 2 sentence rant full of hate and cussing about how you got your last ad flagged, then tell everyone what a nice, caring, understanding person you are. 2. Always include the word “ NOW” in the title and at the end of your ad to show everyone that you need sex right this minute and how they should drop what they are doing to come meet a stranger for nsa. 3. Never and I mean never travel, always demand that you be the host, and that they should drive 2 hour round trips to you because you are just that awesome and worth it, even though you are the one looking for the hook up. 4. Always (and don’t give an inch on this one) demand face pics. Even though you are on a web site where 98% of the other people looking for nsa are in the closet and would cause them major trouble if found out. 5. Never post a pic of yourself or send one out but always make it clear that if the other people don’t send a pic in the very first response you will ignore them. This again is because of how important you are, even though you are the one looking for sex you should always demand that others reveal themselves first. 6. Always point out that you will not be had by spammers or bots and that no one should try to send you to such sites because you are too smart for that. Even though all those bots and spam are automated and never see your post it doesn’t hurt to show how smart you are and tell the automated systems to not e-mail you. 7. When you do post a pic on your ad always be completely naked except for a hat , that way everyone will think you are young and with it and have hair. Also make sure you suck in your stomach and push out your chest to look like you are in shape, it’s a good idea because everyone else is too stupid to know that is what you are doing. 8. Lie, lie, lie, lie after all it is the internet if you are 50 years old and 230lbs with a 5 inch penis no one will know once they meet you, everyone is blind and takes the internet as truth and will not notice this when meeting you all they will see is a 35 year old that’s 189lbs and got a 9 inch cock. 9. Make sure you post your ad to every single section, even the platonic one .after all heck you don’t know what platonic means why should anyone else. 10. Also always use the word discrete in your ad, but just for fun, throw everyone for a loop by misspelling it like this “discreet”. Then to throw them even further off the trail of how smart you really are, pretend you don’t know the meaning of the word either by demanding face pics. Guys when it comes to your cock bigger is better right? So here are some tips to make it look bigger that no one will ever know you’re doing(again because you are smarter than the rest remember) 1. Take your hand and squeeze as much of your cock up over your fist to take a pic. 2. First get hard then pull your nuts back as far as you can between your legs to make it look longer. 3. Again get hard then hold your fist over the end of your cock so the head doesn’t show but you really got it just inside your fist this makes it look like your cock is as long as your fist too. 4. Find the smallest bottle of something you have in your house then hold it further away from the camera so that when you take the picture it looks like your cock is as big as the bottle your holding (this is an excellent trick just remember to remove your hand from the pic so others don’t have a real reference to your actual size). 5. Hide all you got in your pants and just let the head hang out the zipper. 6. Get hard and put on some thick pants then take the pic of the outline in the pants (it’s the sweater effect just like females that wear sweaters it always makes their boobs look way bigger when adding a ¼ of cloth). If you can’t take a pic then here are some tips to calculate your size for your written response. 1. Just lie (hell 5 is 9 right). 2. Do not ever measure the shaft by itself! start back at your stomach and measure to the tip. 3. There is always the “undercarriage measurement” as I call it. That is where you start to measure from your anus out to your tip (after all the actual penis muscle is attached there so technically you are not lying right?) And remember no one will notice that you told them you were 8 or 10 inches and when they meet you they will just be so glad you came that your 4 or 5 won’t matter. Just follow these easy steps and you too will have a craigslist personal that will get you laid every time. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-15T08:29:58-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/fay/1270864495.html Award winning personal here. text WhaleMobile *UNIQUE* http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lou/1270822318.html This one of a kind "WhaleMobile" is for sale. It needs new tires, but otherwise starts right up and runs fine. Not street legal, but still fun to drive, good for birthday parties and events. A lever inside the cockpit controls the whale tail, and allows some up and down motion. Water pump inside cockpit still works, and will build up pressure to be released through blowhole up top. It has working headlights. This was a project my grandfather worked on when I was a kid, and it used to terrify me, as I have an inexplicable fear of these evil creatures. I am hoping to sell it by the end of the month, as I owe child support and don't have the cash to cover it at the moment. This was built off of the frame of an otherwise perfect 1986 Yugo Cabrio. The vehicle itself has 38,000 miles on it, but it was badly damaged in a hailstorm and the bodywork was completely demolished. My grandfather got the idea of turning it into a WhaleMobile off of some cartoon, and he took his crazy idea and ran with it. Serious inquiries only, but all are welcome to come and see the WhaleMobile in action. Please leave the harpoons at home. Call me directly at 502.448.1137 for more details, leave a message if I don't answer. <img src="1270822318.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Louisville, KY <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-15T07:22:50-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lou/1270822318.html WhaleMobile *UNIQUE* text