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Originally Posted: 2009-07-05 2:52pm

Summer Camp FAQs

Dear Camp Parents,
With week one of our summer day camp behind us, I’d like to share a few tips, insights, and rebuttals to your questions. You could even consider this Camp FAQs!
1. Yes, your child NEEDS a lunch EVERY day! We covered this while on the phone when you made the initial inquiry, it was in the brochure, and at the parent orientation. Hell I even used a picture of a mom handing her child a bagged lunch for you “I’m not so big on reading people.” Short of a Power Point presentation with animated cartoons that you probably wouldn’t download in the first place, I can’t get the point further through to you. Myself, the coolers in the gym would’ve been a tip-off! Don’t fret though, our staff gave up their lunch to feed your child. Oh…and you’re welcome!

2. Yes—I need your child’s physical and shot record. While you aren’t all that seemingly worried about their welfare, I for one don’t want the doctors in triage “guessing.” I know…I’m an asshole.

3. No—Your child’s cell phone can’t come to camp. We’ll handle all “emergencies” that might arise. If said emergency affects your child, they’ll probably be unconscious and unable to report said emergency to…whoever. They’ll be fine as long as I have that pesky health form.

4. No—Your child’s “DS,” handheld “PS3”, or whatever fucking device--can’t come to camp. Your kid forgets his underwear in the locker room! What makes you think they can keep track of a $200 piece of electronics!?!

5. Yes…I realize he goes EVERYWHERE with it, but you’re paying me a TON of money to provide activities for your kid. He won’t die without his video game! In fact that “exercised induced asthma” might even lessen some as tubby plays some tag. Had I know you were going to be an insistent twat about this, I would’ve raised my rates $20 a session, stuck your kid in a room, and called myself a “technology camp.”

6. No—I don’t know where your child’s Super Mario cart game went! I told you on the phone, in the brochure, and at the orientation to leave that shit home. Most games these days are the size of a friggin’ postage stamp—be glad your kid made it back in one piece and call it a day.

7. Yes—it is a big deal! Your ex-boyfriend is here to pick up your child, y’know…the one you supplied custody papers on saying he was to only have SUPERVISED visitation? I know you “gots thingz ta do” and forget to me, but I need a verbal “okie-dokie” to release him, while you violate your own court order for your convenience.

8. Yes—Your child needs a bathing suit EVERY day. We talked about this on the phone, there was a picture of a bathing suit in the brochure, and we talked about it at the parent orientation. We swim. It’s summer camp…not ski camp. No—a hot air hand dryer is NOT a substitution for a towel.

9. Absolutely—We summer camp staff morons DO expect you to wake up with your child. We expect for you to supervise them, pack their lunch, and make sure they have a bathing suit. We realize that cuts into your sleeping schedule, consider you’re NOT working, and the County somehow is only “forcing” you to pay $1.00 a week for your THREE KIDS, but bite the bullet and step up.

10. Yes—It is summer vacation, but that should not mean a “med-vacation.” There’s a reason your child’s doctor prescribed that little mood-altering pill. Without it, your child is a terrorist! He’s a blithering emotional violent assaultive hyper-active train wreck. Without his little pill, your special lil’ guy will be utterly without success, will make no friends, and we’ll wind up throwing him out of camp as you validate your “meds-are-bad” philosophy.

In closing, I’d like to address the “horrified” and “terribly concerned” parents of the “little angels” who actually had to deal with PEOPLE their own age for the week. I realize you want to protect your “little angel,” hell I got a camp of 90 “little angels.” I’m still trying to figure them out. Yes, your child will have conflicts. They’ll be upset if they are tagged, called “out,” tussle for a kick ball, get line jumped—all NORMAL childhood things that have been happening to kids since goddamn dawn of man!
In years past it was far easier to identify and remedy these conflicts. Now since NO ONE seems to parent anymore, the problems are magnified a hundred fold. I know that your child cried all not long because he/she was “line jumped.” I would submit to you that you have deeper issues to worry about than your child being “jostled,” when not being “line leader” is kicking their ass. Your child was DUNKED by another child. He wasn’t “drowned.” Kids do this. They fuck around in water. It’s called “play.” Believe or not, your child doesn’t merit a blip on the social radar and most likely one of the other kids wanted to include him. While your child may have been startled, there is no conspiracy to drown your kid.

Rest assured, the staff and I are watching the other “monsters” to ensure your child isn’t “victimized,” even as he, himself, is being a little bastard towards them. I realize that is not sufficient for some of you and I am considering changing the enrollment process to an application process for next year. A fee increase, as well as a complex bureaucratic application form, would also be likely. In such a way, I could weed out the non-readers who can’t be bothered to know what to/what not to bring camp. I’d also be able to weed out those “I gotz thingz ta do…” parents who wouldn’t have time to fill out the enrollment form. Obviously anyone left who could NOW pay my parent fee (shit I might get a raise!), would certainly ensure their kids have the basics: lunch and a bathing suit.
The rest of you non-reading, can’t-submit-a-physical, I’m-taking-him-off-meds, “mortified,” over-reacting, “concerned,” Just-didn’t-have-time-to-fight-with-him/her-this-morning shitheads can send your kid to grandma’s house for the summer!

…Oh that’s right…that BITCH can’t stand your kid for 10 hours a day either!!! Coincidence?

**This week’s tip**: Remember parents…loving your child isn’t enough. You have to parent them too! Take them out of the epi-center of your universe and help them deal with the expected little childhood “traumas” and I guarantee you they’ll become a healthy adult and won’t shoot up a school at 15!

Sincerely yours,
Your Camp Director


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